I take my teen daughter out on monthly dates with me. It saved our relationship.
Courtesy of the author
- As a mom of three, I'm often overwhelmed.
- It was hard to connect with my teenage daughter at home, and we both ended up frustrated.
- Now we got on "mommy and me" dates just the two of us so we can connect without interruptions.
As a mom of three, juggling work, a chronic illness, and housework, most days, I feel overwhelmed and overstimulated.
On those days, when my teen daughter tries to talk, one of us ends up frustrated, or my daughter storms off to her room. It's the same conclusion every time. She feels judged, and I want to give up.
My daughter and I have always been very close since the day she was born, but the teen years tested us both. I didn't want to lose her because of our egos or because she would grow up and never talk to me.
That's when I realized I had set up "Mommy and me" dates with my twins, each one alone with me because sometimes we forget that twins have separate characters with different needs.
But I never prioritized doing that with my teen daughter; maybe I just felt she was older now and didn't require my help as much, but in reality, she needs me now even more as she's navigating these strange and difficult years.
We have monthly dates
I started scheduling monthly dates with her, just the two of us. We started going on short drives and stopping at a coffee shop, where we'd sit and talk about random things for an hour or so.
Slowly, I felt our conversations change; her tone and demeanor even changed. I did my best not to make her feel judged or trapped. It was mainly a time to get closer to each other while working on our differences and discussions.
As she became more relaxed on those dates, we started spending longer periods of time together. I'd schedule a whole day of shopping, eating, and then going on a walk.
Even when we discussed really heavy and difficult conversations, I was able to listen to her better, and she reciprocated.
We were both vulnerable
One thing that helped us both was my being comfortable talking with her about my emotions and showing vulnerabilities, which I struggled with a lot, mainly in my life and as a mom.
I was afraid that by sharing any vulnerability I have or fear or worry, I might cause more harm, mentally and emotionally, to her. But this fear stopped me from having many meaningful conversations with her.
She told me that she feels a lot of pressure as the oldest child and that she always feels she needs to be perfect. I told her I feel a lot of burden placed on me as a mom, too, to do everything right all the time.
We were butting heads because, in essence, we both felt the same need and emotions, but our egos or fears stopped us from opening up about it. We needed to be outside a neutral zone to understand how similar we are.
This experiment with my daughter taught me never to keep my feelings sealed because there's a lot at stake if you don't communicate. I'm not stopping our dates anytime soon because we are both getting a lot from them.