Although I Voted for You to Be Turned into Soup, There’s No Reason We Can’t Be Friends Before You Are Liquefied
A small percentage of my friends, coworkers, and loved ones may soon join the ranks alongside other hot liquids I slurp for nourishment. But there’s also an equally probable chance that this won’t happen, which means you’re overreacting a bit.
People were once able to respectfully disagree, but civil discourse in America has been plagued with a bitter toxicity that has become increasingly difficult to ignore. The vitriol in your eyes when you see me is discouraging, Frank. You have crudely reduced me to “the man who will eat me,” which is unfair. When I see you, I see Frank from accounting, my best friend in the firm, a proud single father of two beautiful girls, and yes, someone who could potentially be made into soup.
Please do not resent me for casting my vote for the person who seemed to best represent my interests. I promise you that I’m acutely aware of the myriad issues America is facing, such as which bathrooms to use, the Little Mermaid’s skin tone, and what we are having for dinner. Both candidates offered compelling points on the economy, but I am not an economist. I’m also not Hollywood, Appalachia, or the Rust Belt. I’m just me, someone who was genuinely undecided until his tummy started to rumble after vaguely recollecting the one candidate’s platform included Operation: Everything Soup—a stance that would provide an unprecedented amount of soup-related dining options while also reducing our carbon footprint.
Calm down. If you actually researched the policy, you would know there’s a clearly defined pecking order. It goes criminals, illegal immigrants, protesters, and I forget the rest. You can check out the updated Food Chain on WhiteHouse.gov if you’re curious. Technically, everyone is on the menu, but I doubt people will be lining up to eat an accountant.
Besides, turning people into soup is just a pipe dream, which would never get support in the House or Senate. Do you really think Big Soup is going to let our government implement a state-of-the-art, sustainable, near-infinite supply of eco-friendly soup?
What’s that? Every branch of government is unified on this one? That’s… surprising.
Well, that just shows you that I voted for the right guy. You know how terribly inefficient our government is. How many decades have they been working on high-speed rails? Meanwhile, my guy’s been in office for a few months and was already able to turn every American into a viable food source. If any other president ended world hunger, you’d be demanding a damn Nobel Peace Prize. The smart thing is he’s being proactive by decidedly not ending world hunger. He’s going to put America first so other countries can’t mooch off us. I’m not trying to sound heartless, but we can’t be the world’s savior anymore. Unfortunately for everyone else, only America can eat itself.
The problem is you think this is all about you, but this is bigger than you, bigger than all of us. The Melting Pot began as an experiment and has since become a stew, a savory milestone that has other nations salivating. After everything America has done for us, we’ve been given a once-in-a-lifetime chance to sacrifice our lives to season the country we love. I mean, can you name anywhere else in the world that grants its citizens all the freedoms we take for granted?
Europe? That’s a continent, not a country. Besides, I don’t think the Second Amendment made it overseas, boss.
I know I’m not one of the at-risk people facing immediate liquefaction, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have an opinion. We’re finally in a position to balance the nation’s checkbook all while becoming innovators on the forgotten soup front, and the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and—
Wait, when were unpaid parking tickets added to Tier 1 of the eligibility matrix? That doesn’t even make sense.
God dammit, this country is so fucking cooked.