Dad, 40, died HOURS after taking himself to bed with earache – leaving his wife ‘physically paralysed with shock’
A MUM whose husband died just hours after complaining of ear pain has described how grief left her “physically paralysed”.
Lou Hynes lost Pete, aged 40, in December 2022, after he contracted meningitis, and the family’s world was torn apart in a day.
The couple met in 2012 while working at consumer goods giant Unilever.
Lou, from Leeds, was in the middle of a divorce and admits she had no interest in a new relationship but over time her feelings changed.
The couple welcomed son Charlie in 2014 and a daughter named Matilda in 2015.
Lou already had one son, Will, from her first marriage.
They tied-the-knot in 2017 and built a life together with the three children.
But in 2022 tragedy struck – Pete took himself to bed after complaining about a pain in his ear, then collapsed.
Rushed to hospital by ambulance, he was declared brain dead only a few hours later.
Brain death is when someone no longer has brain functions and they cannot survive without machinery support and there is no chance of recovery. It is legally confirmed as death.
The cause was bacterial meningococcal meningitis. Meningitis is an infection in the membranes that cover the brain and spinal cord and can be caused by bacteria, viruses, fungi or parasites.
Widowed and left with three children aged six, eight and 14 at the time, Lou forced herself to press on – getting her children to school on time and overseeing an extension project on her house.
But the grief she had pushed away eventually caught up with her in a form of psychological paralysis with no other obvious cause.
“The construction work was done and I had the house to myself for a few weeks,” the 48-year-old says.
“That’s when it hit me. I had essentially been in shock for the previous 15 or 16 months and dealing with my family’s grief on top of my own.
“That Mother’s Day weekend, I just couldn’t get out of bed. I’d never experienced anything like it. The kids were coming in and talking to me, their mouths were moving, but I couldn’t hear any words and I literally couldn’t move.
“The paralysis was the culmination of all those months of not having processed Pete’s death at all. Reality suddenly hit, ‘This is my life now,’ and it culminated in that kind of breakdown.”
When reality suddenly hit
Every Mother’s Day Pete would celebrate his wife.
“When someone dies, the rational side of our brain knows that that person’s not here anymore, but subconsciously, we’re still looking for that person for months,” Lou says.
“I still expected him to walk in through the door at six o’clock like he always did.”
Lou’s eldest son called a family friend who rushed round while her mum took care of the children.
“Everyone was so worried about me, coming in and trying to get me to rouse myself out of it. I simply couldn’t,” Lou recalls.
I honestly felt that anyone could have said or done anything and I wouldn’t have cared, I had completely zoned out
Lou Hynes
“The children were scared, as only 15 months earlier their Daddy had been ill in that very same bed, they didn’t want to lose me either.
“I honestly felt that anyone could have said or done anything and I wouldn’t have cared, I had completely zoned out. My body gave me no choice but to rest in bed all that weekend.”
She eventually recovered and began to rebuild her energy, and her life.
A pragmatist, she sought to learn from her circumstances and find a way to use her experience for good.
Lou had left her job at Unilever in 2020 and already retrained as a careers coach – and her experience sparked an idea to adapt her tools to help others dealing with a loss.
“It was a catalyst really, it sowed the seed that working and helping others in the grief space was what I’m here to do,” she says – explaining that she went on to become a qualified Grief Edu-Therapist.
What is meningitis and how you can you avoid getting it?
MENINGITIS is an infection of the protective membranes that surround the brain and spinal cord (meninges).
It can be very serious if not treated quickly – it can cause life-threatening sepsis and result in permanent damage to the brain or nerves.
Symptoms include:
- a high temperature (fever)
- being sick
- a headache
- a rash that does not fade when a glass is rolled over it (but a rash will not always develop)
- a stiff neck
- a dislike of bright lights
- drowsiness or unresponsiveness
- seizures (fits)
Call 999 for an ambulance or go to your nearest A&E immediately if you think you or someone you look after could have meningitis or sepsis.
Meningitis is usually caused by a bacterial or viral infection.
Bacterial meningitis is rarer but more serious than viral meningitis.
Infections that cause meningitis can be spread through:
- sneezing
- coughing
- kissing
Vaccinations offer some protection against certain causes of meningitis.
These include the:
- MenB vaccine – offered to babies aged 8 weeks, followed by a second dose at 16 weeks and a booster at 1 year
- 6-in-1 vaccine – offered to babies at 8, 12 and 16 weeks of age
- pneumococcal vaccine – 2 doses offered to babies at 12 weeks and 1 year, and a single dose offered to adults aged 65 or over
- Hib/MenC vaccine – offered to babies at 1 year of age
- MMR vaccine – offered to babies at 1 year and a second dose at 3 years and 4 months
- MenACWY vaccine – offered to teenagers, sixth formers and “fresher” students going to university for the first time
Source: NHS
“Unlike depression or other mental health issues, grief can’t be fixed. We all want to try to fix it, of course, which is why people say well-intentioned, but misguided, things like, ‘At least he didn’t suffer. At least he’s in a better place now.’ But the first thing we need to realise is there is no fix.
“A second element is that pain, anger, resentment, guilt, sorrow, sadness, longing, and all the emotions that come with grief, we’re told not to show them. We are deeply uncomfortable when those emotions surface and we don’t really know what to do with them.
“The analogy that I use is that we’ve got a bag that we put pain, anger, guilt, fear, shame – all of those feelings into and we carry it around.
“I take people through a process to unpack that bag and I get to see this lightness come over my clients. It might not alleviate all of it, but it gives them the tools to lighten the load.
“If another loss comes along, they are better equipped to handle it.”
Mother’s Day 2024 was a trigger for her and Lou appreciates that people dealing with grief can struggle at certain points of the year.
“It feels very different for me this year,” she says.
“It’s not a day I look forward to at all and it’s so much harder now that Pete isn’t here to help the children make me feel appreciated.
“It’s taken me by surprise as I assumed that this wouldn’t be a day I’d find challenging but it’s one where Pete’s absence is really felt more than usual.
“I know my children have been plotting and scheming in secret though and my daughter (now aged nine) asked her Granny to take her to the shop as she’s been saving her pocket money.
“Doing the job of two parents on your own every day is hard, so a coffee and a bunch of daffodils to say ‘thank you Mum’ will certainly be appreciated, when all so often this solo parenting role I’ve had to take on is so thankless.”
Having used her business to help others, Lou finds comfort in the knowledge that she knows Pete would fully support her.
“He was always my biggest cheerleader,” she says.
“When I began my career coaching, I volunteered at a place to help women find work. He would say, ‘Yes, go and change women’s lives today, Lou. I’m going off to my corporate job to not make a difference’.
“I can hear him saying that to me all the time. And I think now with this work that I’m doing, I can feel him with me. He helps me make decisions. He is fully supportive, and says, ‘God, only you could make something good out of this’.”
Lou's tips to deal with difficult days
Anticipation: The lead up to challenging days can feel worse than the day itself. Acknowledge the build up and give yourself permission and space to have those feelings.
Plan ahead: Decide how you want to spend the day. Whether that’s alone or with loved ones, make sure it feels right for you. Take the day off work if you think that will help. And remember, you don’t have to do what others expect.
Avoid social media: Exposure can be challenging and potentially triggering. Take a break, mute interactions or re-curate your feet. Set boundaries. If you don’t feel like responding to messages that day, that’s fine.