Miss Manners: It was my party, and this friend tried to take over
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I entertain frequently. We get a lot of joy out of hosting longtime friends and family for holidays and special occasions.
We are attentive to the vibe and move things along at a pace that matches it. Everyone always tells us we host lovely evenings and that they can’t wait for the next one.
The problem is with one of our longtime friends, who always tries to dictate when we will do what during the evening.
A recent example: We were hosting a dinner party and everyone was saying they were so full after the three-course dinner that they couldn’t even think of dessert yet. So we decided to delay it by about 30 minutes and play a card game so everyone had a chance to digest a little bit before dessert.
Around the 20-minute mark, I excused myself for a moment to put the coffee on and returned to the game. Less than three minutes later, this guest announced to everyone that this would be the last hand and it was time for dessert.
I interjected that I had just set the coffee to brew and we would wait until it was done. We played another few hands and then it was time.
This was not the first time this particular guest has announced, at a party they were not hosting, that it was time for something. I find it a bit insulting, if I’m honest, and would like a way to tactfully speak with my friend about this behavior.
They are a treasured friend, and I don’t wish to exclude them from future gatherings. But I also do not want them to continue taking part of the hosting duties from the hosts, which leaves other guests confused and me a bit sore.
GENTLE READER: There is a longstanding theater etiquette rule that states: There is only one director. Writers, producers and actors with feedback must filter their notes through said director so as not to confuse the performers onstage.
Miss Manners suggests you apply this rule to your dinner parties. Tell your friend that you appreciate the input, but if they would take you aside to give it, that would be less confusing for the other guests. And — you may omit saying — stay out of the kitchen, too.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I ate at a fine dining restaurant on a cruise ship and ordered a rack of lamb.
I cut as much meat as I could off of the bone, but there was still a tasty morsel or two on the bone.
May I discreetly take that bite from the bone, or is that too rude? I do mean discreetly, not gnawing at it like an animal.
GENTLE READER: If you can guarantee Miss Manners that you can do it quickly and without getting caught, fine. But she thinks that unlikely without the aforementioned animal gnawing.
So the official answer is no, with apologies to those tasty morsels.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.