Harriette Cole: I finally got a letter from the father I never knew, and I’m not impressed
DEAR HARRIETTE: My father and I are estranged and have been my entire life.
He and my mom had me when they were young — 19 or 20, I believe. My mom loved me and did the best she could with me, and her mother helped do the job as well.
Eventually I realized who my father was and that a lot of people in my town knew him and his new family. He is married and has a few other children, apparently.
Recently, he reached out and sent me a letter that basically explained all the reasons he never showed up for me, none of which seemed valid to me — he was too young, his mom didn’t approve, he didn’t know how to be a dad, etc.
For some reason, though, my mom really wants me to give him a chance. Why is that?
— Absent Dad
DEAR ABSENT DAD: The fact that you have a dad who is now reaching out means something, even though you don’t know him.
It doesn’t require you to do anything, but aren’t you curious? Who is this man?
As an adult who has made many different choices since he and your mother created you as teenagers, he has built a life. What can you learn from him?
It could be beneficial to you simply to meet him and learn a bit about him. You can do that without expectations.
You have a complete life without him, so you don’t need to go into the meeting hoping for anything. Go and listen to what he has to say. Learn who he is. Just be present.
After you meet him, if you decide you want to get to know him, great. If not, you don’t have an obligation to do anything more.
DEAR HARRIETTE: There is someone in my life I care about deeply.
She is kind to me and encourages me to pursue my dreams, travel more, explore new hobbies and a whole lot more.
I show up for her, too, and do my best to be supportive, but I struggle with romance and affection.
I’ve never been good at those things, and it never felt like a priority to change that. But I think it’s taking a toll on her.
I want her to know that I love her, but I really don’t know how to express myself.
— No Romance
DEAR NO ROMANCE: Your letter is somewhat vague. Are you dating this woman? Is this supposed to be a romantic relationship, but it is not because you haven’t taken a romantic step with her?
It sounds like you need to decide what you want this relationship to be and talk to her about your intentions.
You say that you have never been good at romance or affection. Why? Did something happen in your life that shut down that part of you?
Do you want to be close to this woman? Is she expecting a romantic overture? Is the type of relationship you want strictly platonic?
Whatever your intentions are, you need to make it clear to her so that she’s not waiting and wondering. If you need help sorting it out, engage a therapist who can assist you in unpacking whatever is going on in your inner world.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.