The stress of looking after our adopted son led my wife to cheat – now I feel worthless and can’t even get an erection
DEAR DEIDRE: THE stress of looking after our adopted son led my wife to cheat with a man she met online.
Now I feel worthless and I can’t even get an erection.
How can I get our marriage back on track?
My wife and I have been together for 12 years. Three years ago, after failed infertility treatment, we adopted a two-year-old boy.
Although we love him to death, our son went through some trauma with his birth parents, which has left him with some behavioural problems.
We do get support, but looking after him is often very difficult and stressful. It left us with absolutely no time for each other. We often row and haven’t been sexually intimate in years.
I tried talking to my wife about our issues, saying we needed to work on our relationship, but she said she didn’t have the head space.
A few weeks ago, I discovered she had been seeking comfort elsewhere.
She’d gone on a hook-up site and met a man in a hotel for sex. I was in bits.
When I confronted her, she told me it was a one-off, not an affair.
She said she’d needed to feel desired and sexy.
She assured me she still loved me and would never do it again.
We have been talking. But whenever we’ve tried to be intimate, I simply can’t perform. Please help.
READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: The act of becoming new parents can have a negative effect on many couples.
Adopting a child with extra needs is even more stressful.
It’s no wonder your relationship has suffered.
The good news is, in spite of your wife’s indiscretion, you love each other and both want to make a go of your marriage.
My support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It?, should help. But it’s not surprising your self-esteem has been affected.
This, together with all the stress, is almost certainly why you can’t get an erection.
See my support pack about Erection Problems for more information.
Rather than trying to have intercourse, focus on kissing and touching for now. And keep communicating.
If things don’t improve, some relationship counselling would be a good idea.
See tavistockrelationships.org or call 020 7380 1975 to set up an appointment.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
DYING WISH TO MAKE UP WITH MY BRO
DEAR DEIDRE: AS I contemplate dying, I want to make amends with the brother I fell out with 25 years ago.
But I’ve been told he doesn’t care if I die, and doesn’t want to see me.
I’m a single man, in my late sixties, and have terminal cancer.
Many years ago, my younger brother asked me to be the guarantor for a large loan so he could help his children buy a house.
I agreed but then panicked that if anything went wrong, I might lose my home. So I pulled out. My brother stopped speaking to me.
Now that I know I don’t have much longer to live, I would like to repair our relationship and see him again.
The thought I’ll go to the grave with this unresolved is keeping me awake at night. What can I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: The fear that you’ll never repair your relationship with your brother is clearly painful.
But your sister might be wrong. Perhaps you could write to your brother and tell him how you feel.
Even if he won’t see you, at least you’ll have made your peace. Just the act of writing may be cathartic.
It would help you to speak to someone about your feelings. Contact supportline.org.uk (01708 765 200).
FORCES HIMSELF ON ME IN NIGHT
DEAR DEIDRE: I KEEP waking up in the middle of the night to find my boyfriend touching my private parts.
On a few occasions, I’ve woken to find him on top of me, having full sex with me. I don’t like it and I’ve told him not to do it.
We’ve been together for five years. I’m 28 and he’s 30, and we have a young son together.
It started a few months ago.
The first time it happened, I just thought I was dreaming.
But then it happened again, and I knew it was real. I ask him to stop, but he says he can’t until he’s finished.
When it’s over, he rolls over and goes straight to sleep. But I can’t get back to sleep afterwards. I lie awake, thinking about it, feeling dirty and used. It’s really affecting my mental health.
I’ve made it clear I don’t want him to do it, and he says he’s sorry – but he clearly doesn’t mean it because he keeps on doing it.
He claims he has a really high sex drive and sometimes he can’t help himself because I’m “irresistible” and he gets so frustrated.
What makes this even worse is that he knows I was sexually assaulted when drunk, when I was younger. It’s making me hate him. I don’t know how to make him stop.
DEIDRE SAYS: I know it’s hard to hear, but your boyfriend is raping you.
He is having sex with you when you are unconscious, without your consent, and when you ask him to stop, he won’t.
The fact he knows you’ve been assaulted before makes this even worse. He is abusive. No man is unable to control himself.
Please get urgent help. See my support pack, Have You Been Raped? for details of support organisations. They can also help you decide whether you want to go to the police.
Also see my support pack, Abusive Partner, which has details of people you can talk to.
TRAPPED IN WORK MISERY
DEAR DEIDRE: MY job is making me so unhappy, but I can’t afford to give it up.
My partner is really sympathetic, saying he will take extra shifts so I can leave, but I don’t think that would be fair.
I’m 29 and he’s 30. We’ve been living together for three years. I work in a call centre for an insurance company.
When I started there after graduating, I thought it would be temporary.
But I’m still here and I feel trapped.
The company is badly run, everyone is unhappy, and I have no work/life balance.
I’ve applied for several other jobs, but never got further than the first interview.
Our mortgage is big and I don’t know how we’ll cope without my wage.
DEIDRE SAYS: Being unhappy in your job is affecting your mental health. Something needs to change.
You’re lucky to have such a supportive partner.
Perhaps you need to set yourself a deadline – if nothing improves, hand in your notice.
In the meantime, keep on applying for jobs and think about taking a course to get a new skill – take a look at freecoursesinengland.co.uk.
My support pack, Help For Job Hunters, should be useful too.