The secret to influencing others? Validation

Caroline Fleck, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, corporate consultant, and adjunct clinical instructor at Stanford University. She received a BA in psychology and English from the University of Michigan and an MA and PhD from the Department of Psychology and Neuroscience at Duke. Fleck has served as a supervisor and consultant for some of the most rigorous clinical training programs in the country, and has been featured in national media outlets, including the The New York Times, Good Morning America, and HuffPost. In her private practice, Fleck specializes in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and other cognitive behavioral treatments for mood, anxiety, and personality disorders. Fleck’s corporate work focuses on strengthening company cultures and individual performance. She implements custom training programs for Fortune 500 companies and provides executive coaching to industry leaders worldwide.

What’s the big idea?

The secret to influencing others isn’t about persuasion—it’s about validation. In Validation: How the Skill Set That Revolutionized Psychology Will Transform Your Relationships, Increase Your Influence, and Change Your Life, Fleck reveals how acknowledging and accepting others’ experiences can strengthen relationships, defuse conflicts, and even increase self-compassion. Through captivating stories and actionable techniques, she introduces eight powerful skills to harness validation’s transformative impact. Validation uncovers how truly seeing and being seen is the key to lasting change.

Below, Fleck shares five key insights from her new book. Listen to the audio version—read by Fleck herself—in the Next Big Idea App.

1. Validation is not what you think it is.

My technical definition of validation is that it communicates mindfulness, understanding, and empathy in ways that convey acceptance. If I were to translate that into a mantra, it would be, “Validation shows that you’re there, you get it, and you care.”

• Validation is not praise: Praise is a judgment. It says, “I like the way you look or perform.” Validation demonstrates acceptance. It says, “I accept who you are, independent of how you look or perform.” When people claim that we shouldn’t rely on “external validation,” they are confusing validation with praise.
• Validation is not problem-solving: Problem-solving focuses on changing someone’s reaction by suggesting solutions to their, e.g., “I know you didn’t do well on that spelling test; why don’t we try reviewing your words on the way to school next time?” Validation, on the other hand, focuses on acknowledging the situation and the validity of someone’s response to it: “You studied so hard; I can understand why you are upset.”
• Validation is not agreement: I can validate why someone would have concerns about protecting an unborn fetus, even if I am pro-choice. If the idea of validating an opinion you disagree with makes you nervous, rest assured that validating another person’s perspective does not necessarily function to reinforce it. On the contrary, people tend to get entrenched in their views when they feel like they have to defend their own position or attack yours. A validating response from you leaves nothing to attack, much less anything to defend against.

So again, validation shows that you’re there, you get it, and you care. It is not praise, problem-solving, or agreement.

2. Validation is like MDMA for your relationships.

Validation improves relationships by transforming how they feel, increasing trust, intimacy, and psychological safety. Research has consistently shown validation to be among the strongest predictors of relational outcomes, ranging from commitment to quality across various types of relationships. This is really important given the effect relationships have on our health and life expectancy. Having poor social relationships is associated with the same death rate as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Data show that the quality of a person’s relationships can increase their probability of surviving by 50%.

Importantly, validation is critical to all our relationships, including the one we have with ourselves. Knowing how to validate your own emotions is essential to developing self-compassion and improving how you relate to yourself. I have many more tips on how to cultivate self-validation in the book.

Validation is also particularly helpful in the context of conflict. It’s basically like adding an adorable cat filter to yourself during a videoconferencing meeting—it makes you immediately less threatening and infinitely harder to argue with. Why? The answer appears to be in how it affects the validated person’s physiology. As someone becomes more upset, their ability to reason, recall, and focus sharply decreases. Their sympathetic nervous system takes over, reducing their response options to fight, flight, or freeze.

Validation tempers this response—it reduces sympathetic arousal and enhances a person’s ability to reason and engage in perspective-taking. Validating individuals in highly stressful situations has been shown to lower their heart rate, galvanic skin response (sweating), and negative emotions. Unsurprisingly, invalidation has demonstrated the opposite effect, increasing distress and conflict.

3. Research suggests that validation is a catalyst for change.

I made this point earlier when discussing how validation is used in DBT. However, neuroimaging research can help us understand what’s happening here. The question of whether validation can drive people to change their behavior hinges on the degree to which it is perceived as rewarding. Anything that is rewarding has the potential to serve as “positive reinforcement”—a reward given after a behavior that increases the likelihood that the behavior will be repeated. For instance, if a dog that has been rewarded with a treat for sitting on command is more likely to sit on command in the future, we know that the treat functioned to positively reinforce her behavior.

Positive reinforcement activates the reward center of our brain, releasing neurotransmitters like dopamine that create feelings of pleasure. For instance, opioids, orgasms, and cash giveaways all produce this effect. Neuroimaging studies have demonstrated that feeling understood stimulates these same reward centers as well as areas linked to social connectedness. Returning to our question of whether validation is enjoyable enough to prompt behavioral change, the answer is a resounding yes.

4. Validation is a skill set anyone can master.

Therapists are trained in specific skills to help them reliably and authentically communicate validation. In Validation, I describe how I’ve adapted these therapist skills so they can be used by anyone in any relationship.

The model I developed is called the Validation Ladder. It includes three subsets of skills that map onto each of the three main qualities of validation. You’ve got two skills for conveying mindfulness, three for understanding, and three for empathy. Validation only works if it’s authentic, so if you don’t understand or empathize with someone’s experience, the Mindfulness skills might be all you can use.

An example of a Mindfulness Skill is Attending, which requires you to focus on answering this two-part question:

1) What’s a better way to make this person’s point?
2) Why does it matter to them?

You don’t need to communicate your insights. As a mindfulness skill, these questions are designed to inform how you listen. By focusing on these questions, you’re more likely to signal engagement and naturally ask more targeted questions, rather than concentrating on your rebuttal or allowing your mind to wander.

To apply understanding skills, you need to genuinely see the logic in someone’s response. An example of an understanding skill is Equalizing, or normalizing. If you can imagine that you would react similarly to whatever the other person is experiencing, you simply communicate. For instance, you might say, “Anyone in your shoes would want a second opinion” or “I would have done the same thing.” By indicating that someone’s reaction is consistent with what you would think, feel, or do in that situation, you convey that it’s understandable.

Finally, the empathy skills are the most validating, as they convey mindfulness, understanding, and empathy in one fell swoop. An example of an Empathy skill is Emoting. You might tear up if someone is relaying a sad story or jump up and down when they share good news. Emoting allows you to enter into the other person’s experience, not as a spectator but as an active participant.

When I first learned validation skills as a therapist, I wasn’t blown away by their novelty. Many of the skills in the Validation Ladder will be things you’ve heard of or practiced before. Their transformative power only becomes apparent once you’ve honed your ability to know when to use them. Validation is much like baking; the steps involved seem deceptively straightforward, but if a novice and a master baker follow the exact same recipe, the outcome will be noticeably different. Timing, technique, and understanding how to pivot when needed—these minor adjustments determine whether or not someone will appreciate or be reinforced by the “treat” you provide them.

5. Find the kernel of truth.

You should only validate a person’s experience to the extent that you actually consider it to be valid. The aim is to find the “kernel of truth” in someone’s experience and validate that. Generally speaking, a person’s experience is composed of their thoughts, emotions, and behavior. Psychologists consider thoughts to be valid if they are logical or reasonable based on the facts of a situation. Behaviors are considered valid if they are effective given one’s long-term goals. As for emotions, well, you can presume that emotions are always valid. Trust me, you don’t want to get in the business of arguing with people about how they feel.

A person’s behavior and emotions may be valid even if the thoughts that gave rise to them are not, and vice versa. For example, if someone believes there is an imminent threat of an alien invasion, they would understandably feel anxious and fearful. Anxiety and fear are reasonable reactions to an impending danger. It also makes sense that this individual would vote for a politician with a plan to address the alien invasion. Their thoughts in this scenario are invalid as they are based on misinformation, but their emotions and behavior are understandable given the misinformation they are operating under.

Recognizing the valid doesn’t mean you can’t work on changing what’s invalid or problematic. On the contrary, if the last 30 years have taught us anything, it’s that people are much more receptive to collaborating, receiving feedback, and even changing when they feel seen in their experience.

This article originally appeared in Next Big Idea Club magazine and is reprinted with permission.