My ex-boyfriend called me paranoid for accusing him of cheating – but left me a week later for another woman
DEAR DEIDRE: MY now ex-boyfriend called me paranoid when I told him I thought he was cheating on me – but I had good reason.
I was pregnant with his baby and went out for a walk to the park one day after we’d recently had a row about him being secretive with his phone.
I was shocked to see him sitting on a bench, kissing and hugging another woman.
He didn’t see me and I didn’t confront him as I didn’t want to get too stressed while expecting, but I did later say I thought he was playing away.
I am 25, he is 22. We had been together for two years and he had been a loving and supportive partner and seemed as overjoyed as me when I became pregnant.
He attended all my appointments and scans and said he was looking forward to becoming a dad.
After our baby was born, it was OK at first, but then he became obsessed with his phone, just like he had when I was pregnant.
Again I worried he was cheating on me. He dismissed me, saying it was rubbish, and he accused me of being paranoid.
Then one morning I was out with our daughter and spotted him hugging the same woman in the park.
I was so distressed and couldn’t stop screaming and crying. He couldn’t deny it, but he said that he loved her and he left me within a week to be with her.
I’ve also now left the flat that we shared to move back in with my parents.
My mind is in turmoil. I can’t stop thinking about him and he keeps asking me for naughty photos, so I live in hope that he will dump her and come back to us.
READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Please don’t send him pictures. It’s a sign he is trying to maintain control over you, to keep you hooked.
Politely but firmly refuse his request and accept that he is not going to come back.
Make you and your baby your priority and focus on building a life without him as your partner.
He does have a legal obligation to provide financially for his daughter – and it would be better for her to grow up knowing she has a dad who loves her and who wants to be a part of her life.
My support pack Mend Your Broken Heart will help you to pick up the pieces and try to move on.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
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SMITTEN AGAIN BY FIRST LOVE
DEAR DEIDRE: MEETING up with my first love brought back all the feelings I had for her over 30 years ago – and what’s more, she feels the same way about me.
She found me on Facebook and sent a message. I was thrilled to hear from her as I have thought about her many times over the years and hoped she was well and happy.
We arranged to meet up for old times’ sake. I thought it would be safe because we are both married but as soon as I saw her, I was smitten all over again.
We looked at photographs from our time at university, and family pictures, and talked about our lives since then.
It was a real trip down memory lane for both of us. I’m 49 and she’s 48. We met at university and spent a lot of time together. We drifted apart after graduating, but I never forgot her.
She’s the woman I should have married but I went on to meet my wife and we have been married for 20 years.
I’m still seeing my first love, but she cannot leave her relationship because of her two children.
My wife is becoming suspicious and says she’s noticed a change in me.
I know that I need to end this affair, but I’m swimming in such a sea of nostalgia for what might have been.
DEIDRE SAYS: Nobody forgets their first love – it’s a uniquely intense relationship, normally before the hard reality of responsibility beds in.
This woman has told you there is no real future for you as a couple, so you really do need to stop holding on to this unrealistic dream that is damaging your marriage and potentially your family, too.
My support pack Your Lover Not Free? will help you think this through.
If your first love hadn’t reappeared, would you have been content to stay married?
If so, then put your focus and energy into your marriage and leave your first love to the life that she has.
ANXIETY IS LEAVING ME EXHAUSTED
DEAR DEIDRE: ANXIETY is getting the better of me and it’s exhausting.
I can be looking forward to something but in the weeks leading up to it, I become anxious. These negative thoughts won’t go away. They keep going around in my head.
I am a 31-year-old man and have been struggling for a while.
I was really looking forward to going away on a city break with my girlfriend. She is 29.
I was fine when we booked the flights and hotel and started to look at all the things we could do while we were there.
But then I started to worry the travel agent might be scamming us and then those worrying thoughts become all-consuming.
This then leads to me sleeping badly, being constantly tired and then, of course, I worry about everything even more.
DEIDRE SAYS: Please don’t suffer alone. Confide in your girlfriend. Do please also think about getting some counselling where you can learn techniques to manage your suffering.
You can find support through Anxiety UK (anxietyuk.org.uk, tel: 03444 775 774). My support pack Living With Anxiety will help too.
STRUGGLE SINCE PAL VANISHED
DEAR DEIDRE: MY friend has suddenly disappeared and I’m struggling to deal with it.
I’m a 33-year-old single female. My friend is 36 and married with a child. We met through our local running club over three years ago.
We got on well from the start. He had become a friend and a confidante.
We often told each other our innermost thoughts on a range of subjects but I have known for some time that he was not happy in his marriage.
I listened to him and tried to offer advice as best I could but all of a sudden, he disappeared with no contact whatsoever. I don’t know how to deal with this. It was completely out of the blue.
While I never would have made a move on him, if our friendship had taken a romantic turn, I would have welcomed that.
I valued his friendship, and I miss him. I just hope he is OK.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m sorry you have lost contact with your friend especially when he hasn’t explained the reason why.
The lack of an explanation says more about him than you. Move on and focus on keeping your social life going.
There are plenty of great guys who are unattached. Find one who is worthy of your love and who wants the same as you.
