I'm a military spouse and thought solo parenting would be fine while my husband was deployed. Then I got pregnant.
Courtesy of Naomi Carmen
- I thought solo parenting would be fine with my husband away a third of the year.
- Then, I got pregnant with my second child and was puking nonstop, severely anemic, and mostly alone.
- I learned to ask those around me for help and was shocked by how many people were willing.
For three years straight, my husband, who's in the US military, was home less than a third of the year.
My daughter took it hard because she was too young at the time to understand why her stepfather couldn't just ask his boss to come home.
Before remarrying, I'd already mastered the art of being a single mom: timing mowing the lawn during naps or after bedtime, balancing work with being present and attentive to my toddler, and including her in my workouts and runs.
So when I remarried and knew my husband would be gone for months at a time, I was confident we'd survive and may even enjoy the alone time.
What I didn't anticipate was how challenging life and parenting would be when I became pregnant with my second child.
For most of my pregnancy, I was puking nonstop, severely anemic, and mostly alone. Through it all, though, I saw a golden opportunity to make lemonade out of the lemons life had hurled at me — and that made all the difference.
I created a support system that strengthened my existing friendships, created new ones, and helped me learn to accept other people's help.
People genuinely wanted to help; I just had to let them know how
Friends and neighbors stepped in to mow the grass, bring food, and help clean and organize my house.
At first, it was difficult to accept their generosity when I knew I couldn't repay them enough, but I eventually learned to welcome the help.
Living nine hours away, my in-laws became a new level of support I also didn't anticipate but welcomed. They got a long-term rental spot for their camper, only 10 minutes from my house, and would stay for up to three weeks at a time.
For much of my pregnancy, I was severely dehydrated and wasn't keeping fluids down because of morning sickness, so my father-in-law, a retired ER doctor, traveled to administer IVs in my living room.
My in-laws also picked up my daughter from school and played with her while I was in the hospital, pregnant with COVID-19.
My husband had to leave again when our son was 3 weeks old, so I called on that same support system
I shouldn't have been surprised, but I still was when many people happily came to hold my newborn while I showered, napped, mowed, or went to a doctor's appointment.
All of this happened because I asked for and accepted help. Had my husband been home, I would not have contacted anyone for help.
Although I would have loved for him to be with us during that time, the bonds and relationships I formed would never have been built to that degree otherwise.
Years later, I still cherish and maintain those strong friendships.
After my husband was back home, it took us months to learn how to all live together
This summer will be one full year that my husband has been home.
It's wonderful to have the help of getting the kids from school in the afternoon and having another capable and active parent involved.
However, we all had to figure out how to fit him into our lives again, and that was extremely challenging.
Initially, my 2½-year-old son would cry when my husband went to work, thinking he wouldn't see his father again for a while.
My daughter, who is 7, wasn't as upset as my son but still whined and begged him not to go. But then she'd be delighted when he was there at school to pick them up.
It took the kids several weeks of seeing him every day to get used to the idea that he was not actually going away again.
It took an additional five or six months for all of us to finally figure out how to live together again full time.
He and I also had to face our issues head-on as opposed to sweeping them under the rug because of the "we only have two days together" excuse. Thankfully, marriage counseling saved the day and our marriage.
In my experience, you attract what you're looking for. If you seek out miserable people, they will seemingly be everywhere, complaining about anything possible. If you seek out people who embrace their experiences, you will find them. I strive to be the latter.
The best thing I've ever done in any new place I've lived is to seek out people with the same positive mindset.