My husband’s relationship with his daughter feels strange – I think they could be sexually attracted to each other
DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband has recently discovered he has an adult daughter who he never knew existed.
They are spending a lot of time getting to know each other.
I’ll admit I’m jealous and regularly feel like the third wheel but I’m also wondering if there is something unhealthy about their relationship.
The way they are constantly hugging, the deep way they look into each other’s eyes, it turns my stomach.
We have been married for five years and were both divorced when we met.
I’m 49 and he’s 51. His daughter is 24.
He already has two sons from his first marriage but was delighted when the DNA confirmation came through that he also had a daughter.
I have seen some of their messages and they are full of “I love you” and love emojis, which is very similar to the messages between us.
Recently his daughter came to stay for the weekend.
They were literally all over each other, touching, cuddling, stroking, I felt like a spare part.
That same weekend they went to a family party which I couldn’t attend because I was working.
They came home in the early hours, very drunk and woke me up.
I could hear him slurring about how much he loved her.
I went downstairs to ask them to be quiet but when I walked in the kitchen where they were making tea and toast and were looking so intently at each other it looked like they were about to kiss.
Their relationship worries me, they are so infatuated with each other.
I have tried to raise it with him but he says he’s simply enjoying having a new daughter.
I have heard about genetic sexual attraction.
Have I turned into a green-eyed monster, or is there something sinister going on?
Is this normal or am I right to be concerned?
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DEIDRE SAYS: This is a huge adjustment for all of you and your husband is building a relationship with her to make up for lost time.
Genetic sexual attraction, when biological relatives meet as adults and develop a sexual attraction to one another, is incredibly rare.
Apart from being related, your husband and his daughter’s ages are nearly 30 years apart.
Your husband will have enough love for both you and his daughter.
Try not to see her as a threat to your relationship.
You will feel differently if you invest time and interest in her.
Organise some weekends away or events to look forward to reaffirm your relationship.
Keep talking to your husband and ask for his reassurance.
In time his new daughter will settle into both your lives.
My support pack Looking After Your Relationship explains how to strengthen the communication in your relationship.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
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PANICKING OVER EX’S DISNEY TRIP
DEAR DEIDRE: I DON’T want my ex to take our children to Disney World, Florida, in the summer holidays as I worry about how they will cope.
We divorced four years ago.
I’m 36 and he’s 39.
We have two daughters aged 13 and 11.
They live with me and see their dad at the weekend.
My youngest often cries when she visits him because she says she misses me, even though she usually enjoys herself.
I don’t want them to miss out on a holiday, but I’m wondering whether I can stop him taking them out of the country.
I am worried for my youngest’s safety.
It’s so far away, and I can’t help but think she will be homesick, and this will spoil the holiday for everyone.
I haven’t raised it with my ex as he will think I’m deliberately trying to sabotage the trip.
DEIDRE SAYS: Assuming you both have parental responsibility legally, then you both need the other’s permission to take the children out of the UK.
If you don’t give your consent, your ex could apply for a court order.
Before you put a stop to it, can you try to reach a compromise you are all happy with.
Perhaps he could take them to Disneyland Paris, which is much closer to home.
Talk it through with Both Parents Matter (bothparentsmatter.org.uk, 0300 0300 363).
MANHOOD TOO BIG FOR SEX
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN we have sex, my girlfriend complains that I hurt her because I am too big down there.
I am 29 and she is 28.
We have been together for six months.
The last thing I want to do is cause her pain, so sex is non-existent right now.
She has had some problems with painful sex with previous partners, but says that intercourse with me is impossible.
I knew I was well over average but the last time we tried to have sex it didn’t go well at all.
People think being well-endowed is a gift but it’s causing me no end of problems.
We had lots of foreplay but, even so, it was still hopeless and frustrating for both of us.
I am concerned that if we carry on like this our relationship won’t last much longer.
What can we do?
DEIDRE SAYS: You can enjoy a great sex life whatever your size.
Take things very slowly to reassure your girlfriend.
Try out different positions until you find one where the depth of penetration feels comfortable.
She has struggled to have sex with other partners, so she may have experienced some earlier trauma.
Consider seeing a sex and relationship therapist who can help.
The College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk) can help you find a reputable counsellor.
My support pack, Manhood Too Large?, will help as well.
Surprise pregnancy
DEAR DEIDRE: MONEY is tight and I thought I’d made it clear to my girlfriend that I didn’t want any more children – but somehow she is pregnant again and I can’t help but wonder if she deliberately stopped taking the Pill.
I was only 23 when our first child was born.
My girlfriend was 21.
Starting a family was not something I was ready for, but I accepted my responsibility.
I’m 27 now and have a low-paid job in a factory and I’m always struggling for money.
We often go the last week of the month living off plain pasta and bread.
My girlfriend has a daughter from a previous relationship.
I have always provided for my son and try my best for him as well as helping my girlfriend with her daughter.
But every time my son or her daughter needs new clothes, I panic wondering how we will pay for it.
I knew my girlfriend wanted another baby at some point, but I didn’t appreciate how broody she was.
I’m kicking myself for not checking she was still taking the Pill.
On top of it all I am worried because I could lose my job soon and we already have some debt.
Still, my girlfriend is adamant she is keeping this baby.
I feel tricked into being a father again.
I wonder whether she really loves me or has just used me.
I thought that being in a relationship meant you made joint decisions but it doesn’t feel like this has happened here.
DEIDRE SAYS: If your girlfriend did deliberately stop taking her contraception so that she would conceive, she has deceived you and it is understandable that you are upset.
You have been blindsided because, of course, you should have made this big decision jointly.
Suggest you see a counsellor together.
The British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk, 01455 883 300) can help with pregnancy-related issues .
It will help you understand each other’s feelings – and perhaps she will think again.
My support pack, Solving Debt Problems, will help too.