I walked in on my cousin having sex with my husband – it has destroyed me but I don’t know if I want divorce
DEAR DEIDRE: MY cousin has always been an incorrigible flirt but even by her naughty standards, she has gone too far this time.
I’m 33, and my whole world has fallen apart after walking in on my husband having sex with her.
He’s 35 and we’ve been married for eight years. We’ve had ups and downs like any couple, but I never thought he would betray me. I feel destroyed.
Last weekend, my cousin came to stay because she wanted a shoulder to cry on after her boyfriend dumped her. She’s 29, pretty, and has always been the “fun” one in the family.
She’s like my little sister and closest friend. I always thought my husband found her annoying, but I noticed he was especially attentive to her that evening, leaping up to top up her wine glass, and laughing at everything she said.
As my cousin drank more, she kept telling me how lucky I was to have my husband, touching his leg and complimenting him for being so handsome.
She even shimmied past him unnecessarily at the dinner table, momentarily lingering on his lap. I found that quite embarrassing, but my husband seemed delighted.
It was a long evening and we all drank a lot. I ended up passing out on the sofa. I woke up around 4am, and the room was empty.
As I stumbled up to bed, I checked my cousin was OK.
Pushing open the door, I heard moaning and realised my husband and cousin were entwined on the bed.
They were naked, and it was clear they were having sex. They didn’t notice I was there until I screamed.
I left the house the next day and have been staying with a friend.
My husband and cousin have both been calling me repeatedly, swearing it was a “one-time mistake”.
I never wanted to get divorced, but I’m not sure I could ever trust him again.
READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You don’t need to make any decisions yet. You’ve been horribly betrayed and you’ll need time to process this.
Many couples recover from infidelity, especially if it was an impulsive one-off.
But it’s not an easy task, and especially not when you’re dealing with a double betrayal.
Read my support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? which will help you decide what you want to do but you’d also benefit from speaking to a therapist who will help you unravel whether you want to try again with your husband or walk away.
Whether you go as a couple or alone, taking these decisions a step at a time will help ensure you are making the right long-term choices.
Tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1975) offer couple and individual counselling, in person or online.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
SUCH A FLOP IN BED AFTER WIFE’S DEATH
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM scared I’ll lose my girlfriend because I can’t get an erection.
My wife died four years ago, leaving me a widower at 60. I never thought I would find another woman as beautiful and kind as she was.
But I met a lovely woman at a New Year’s party last year, and we’ve been dating ever since. She’s 57.
As she was the first woman I had been with since my late wife, we took things very slowly.
Physically, everything was great and it was obvious we both fancied each other, but when we were finally ready to do the deed, I couldn’t get an erection.
I assumed it was nerves, so I didn’t worry too much. But it keeps happening.
On my own, I’m fine. I often wake up with an erection, and I can masturbate. But as soon as my girlfriend is there, I just can’t do it. I manage to satisfy her in other ways, but it’s frustrating that we can’t enjoy a normal, fulfilling, sex life.
I fear I’m washed up as a lover, and that my girlfriend will lose patience.
The fact you still get early-morning erections means there is nothing wrong physically.
If you weren’t achieving erections at all, I would suggest you saw your GP because it can be a symptom of an underlying health issue.
Your problem most likely has an emotional cause, especially since it only started after your wife died. Some men experience guilt about moving on or find that sex reminds them of everything they have lost.
The Sue Ryder charity (sueryder.org) has a useful website about grief, including information, advice and a forum.
It also offers six weeks of free online grief counselling which could help you understand, and work through, your feelings.
You are probably also experiencing some performance anxiety, which is made worse by your fear of being dumped.
The best way to overcome that is to have an open and honest chat with your girlfriend.
The two of you should read my Understanding Male Pleasure suppot pack together. It will teach you both what stimulates and excites you, and will help you work past your nerves so you can enjoy sex.
FAMILY FORUM
DEAR DEIDRE: THE worry that my stepchildren are plotting to make me homeless is making me miserable.
I’m 70 and my husband is 85. We met when he was unhappily married to his first wife. The children he had with her never took to me.
I understood that at first but we’ve been married for 20 years now and they still mostly ignore me.
I can just about handle their disdain, but now I’m worried they are trying to disinherit me.
My husband’s daughter has approached him for money to help her son buy his first flat.
Because my husband dotes on his grandchildren, he agreed immediately. Now he’s talking about selling our house – the one I also live in – to release some cash.
He is even suggesting we rent a flat near his daughter! I can’t imagine anything worse as she lives 100 miles away in an area I don’t even know.
I’m happy where we live now. It’s near my friends and I love our neighbours. I’m also scared about what would happen if we sold this house and put the cash into savings
If my husband died first – which is quite likely – I could be left penniless. This house is my security.
DEIDRE SAYS: With so much unpredictability it’s entirely understandable you feel worried.
You need good, independent financial advice. Contact Rights of Women (020 7251 6577, rightsofwomen.org.uk). This is a family law advice line advising women on their rights in domestic abuse, divorce and relationship breakdown.
Tell them everything you’ve told me here – they will be able to advise you.
Contact the charity Surviving Economic Abuse (survivingeconomicabuse.org), which has a financial support line, run by Money Advice Plus (0808 1968 845, Mon-Fri).
Also, have you and your husband made wills? If not, do this now.
It sounds as if your husband isn’t considering what would happen to you if anything happened to him.
Tell him you’re not happy to move. Don’t be scared to speak up.
SECRET WORK CRUSH
DEAR DEIDRE: SHOULD I come clean about my secret work crush?
I’m a woman in my late 40s and I’m infatuated with a female colleague who is 27.
We get on well and have a good laugh.
Recently we’ve had to work closely together, and I can’t get her out of my mind.
She is bisexual. I sense she likes me too.
Do I risk telling her how I feel, or stay silent and hope these feelings disappear?
DEIDRE SAYS: At some companies workplace relationships are frowned upon so check your employer’s policy first of all.
Because you work closely together and you value the friendship, it might be wise not to rush in.
Due to your age gap, there is probably a big difference in your emotional maturity.
Why not try to develop the friendship more and see if that naturally brings you together?
If nothing comes of it, it may be best for you to look further afield for someone who does want to be in a relationship with you.
CAN'T LAST IN BED
DEAR DEIDRE: ALTHOUGH I used to be able to make love for hours, lately it’s all over in a flash.
I’m 55 and I have been married to my gorgeous wife for 11 years.
Nowadays, I’m lucky if I last for 60 seconds. My wife is being patient, but it’s frustrating us both.
I’ve tried a few things to help but if anything, the issue is getting worse.
DEIDRE SAYS: This is one of the most common problems men write to me about. What was going on for you around the time this started?
Was there any anxiety for you, or some other issue in your sex life?
Once you identify the trigger, you can start to change those conditions, which can help.
Perhaps your teenager had returned from college to stay and you felt uncomfortable about sex with them in the house so rushed it.
In this case scheduling in a night of intimacy when they are out can help.
My support pack Want To Last Longer? has plenty of other self-help steps that you can try.