I’ve been married 19 years – I would forgive cheating but these are the 3 non-negotiables that could spell divorce
I KNOW a lot of women will think I’m mad for saying this, but if my husband Brian cheated, I would wholeheartedly forgive him.
But there are three non-negotiable rules I live by and if he was to ever break them I know I’d be headed straight to the solicitor’s office.
And while these might not seem as bad as infidelity to some of you, I know I’d be dreadfully unhappy.
Boredom. Resentment. Feeling unfulfilled. These are the three things I will never let into my marriage. I’d, quite frankly, rather get divorced.
If Brian cheated I’m sure I would feel some kind of resentment and anger but an infidelity, if it was a one-off, feels like something we could tackle.
But a resentment that feels as though it would stretch on forever is what I’d struggle with – the no hope of change is what I couldn’t face.
Just the other day, I came into the kitchen to find crumbs and cheese just left on the chopping board, the lingering evidence of my husband’s Brian’s snack spread all over the kitchen counter.
I begrudgingly tidied them away while he mumbled that he was about to clear up the mess himself.
Though the fact the snack was finished and he was on the sofa, ensconced in something on the telly, made a mockery of that statement.
It’s a daily occurrence in my house, a simple annoyance which triggers tiny flashes of resentment – one of the three specific and non-negotiable reasons why I could eventually call time on our 19 year marriage.
If Brian cheated on me I’d try to turn a blind eye and if I couldn’t ignore it we’d go to counselling. That’s because if everything else is right in a marriage I don’t see why infidelity should kill it.
Mel Fallowfield
If I was to also end up feeling bored and therefore unfulfilled because of the man my husband evolves into, that would kill the love and could in turn kill my relationship.
And I’m not alone in this. My friends and I can talk for hours about our spouses’ irritating ways, that day in day out monotony that when you come home you just know they’ll have left their used tea bags by the sink.
It would honestly lift my heart to come home and not find them there – I’ve told him countless times but it makes no odds.
It’s not grand gestures that most women crave, but little everyday things that show us he’s thinking of our needs, not just his.
The actual clearing up after him takes a matter of minutes and for the time being I’m resigned to it because he’s done it since we started living together 25 years ago.
Because so many men do, it seems ‘normal’ – my father certainly wasn’t exactly house proud and I feel you can’t teach old dogs new tricks.
But a decade on from now there’s a chance that my tolerance will evaporate and I will develop a seething and unhealthy resentment about the crumbs on the chopping board and the way he puts the mugs in the glasses cupboard when he empties the dishwasher.
That’s because Brian, 53, is saying his needs are more important than mine.
He knows I’m ruffled and after 19 years of marriage, what was once endearing or something to joke about is slowly becoming as grating as nails down a blackboard.
I suspect if my marriage ended there wouldn’t be a huge explosive moment.
Even if Brian cheated on me I’d try to turn a blind eye and if I couldn’t ignore it we’d go to counselling.
That’s because if everything else is right in a marriage I don’t see why infidelity should kill it.
Marriage is about love, feeling appreciated and supported as well as and it is definitely far more than just sex.
If Brian gambled away our savings, I’d get him help for addiction or if he was suddenly ill or disabled there’s no way I’d leave.
But feeling resentful, bored or unfulfilled aren’t the ingredients for a happy and healthy marriage, if it’s to last.
‘We have to be realistic’
You only live once but these days we live for longer, so the idea of falling out of love in my 50s or 60s and remaining in the marriage for another 20 or so years is an impossible prospect.
And that goes both ways because I’m sure I have my cheese on the chopping board moments which can be just as infuriating.
I know it drives Brian mad that I insist on always sitting in the same place on the sofa and can happily watch The Big Bang Theory on repeat and invite friends round without checking it’s convenient for him.
Even high profile, seemingly solid and long partnerships are breaking all around us.
If it’s just me and Brian, I worry that I’ll feel flat and what happens if he fills the void of them leaving with gardening or worse still, golf, which I hate.
Mel Fallowfield
Man City boss Pep Guardiola, 55, and his wife Cristina Serra split up after 30 years together and three children.
It’s rumoured that he’s fighting for his marriage and earlier this month he went to Barcelona for a three-day trip, staying at the family home.
But if he can’t patch it up, is there hope for the rest of us?
And at the start of the year ex Top Gear presenter Richard Hammond, 55, announced the end of his 23-year marriage to Mindy. The pair had been together for 28 years and have two daughters.
Statistics show that while the divorce rate in the UK overall is falling, in the over 50s it’s rising – since 1990 it’s doubled and experts are predicting it will have tripled by 2030.
So we have to be realistic.
Pulled back from the brink
While neither of us have stayed together for the sake of our two children, aged 18 and 15, having them in common has undoubtedly been a glue that binds me with Brian.
We laugh about their antics, we share the same worries about them the pressures of exams and whether they’re safe and happy or not, and we cheer the boys on together from the sidelines when they play rugby.
We are completely united in always wanting the best for them.
At times when Brian has been absolutely infuriating, like the occasion he refused to cancel a boys’ trip leaving me at home with two young sons with norovirus, or we’ve been through an inevitable rough patch where we feel like strangers, the thought of their devastation if we were to split up has always pulled me back from the brink.
However, when they fly the nest a huge chunk of our daily life will change and in turn that could change the whole dynamic of our relationship.
We work extremely well as a four, but I don’t yet know whether we will still work as ‘two’.
‘We’ve evolved together’
Life has changed us – we’ve been through sad family losses and in 2017 I had breast cancer, all of which changes your perspective on life and so far at least, we have evolved together.
The boys keep us endlessly entertained – we are never bored – and they make us both laugh.
If it’s just me and Brian, I worry that I’ll feel flat and what happens if he fills the void of them leaving with gardening or worse still, golf, which I hate.
I can imagine feeling bored rigid as he muses over which club to use, or perfecting his hole in one.
I’m watching the boys get ready for the rest of their lives.
It’s so exciting observing them feel their way into adulthood and I love helping my eldest plan his year abroad and perfect his university application.
I miss that youthful optimism and I’m not prepared to shelve it for good, nor end up feeling unfulfilled, just because I’m in my sixth decade.
I’ve always imagined taking a year out of work and travelling the world.
‘You only live once’
I still want to do that but Brian isn’t as keen and even if we did travel together we like very different things.
He’s happiest skiing in the mountains or fishing while I prefer walking along the beach and dawdling in cafes.
At the moment we take the odd holiday apart but we have time constraints dictated by the boys and work which means we rarely spend more than a week away together.
If I could lie on a beach for a month, I know I’d be tempted, ditto Brian if he could go fishing for weeks on end.
Our separate holidays could lead to separate lives – and ultimately to a separation.
I’m a huge believer that we only live once and should enjoy our lives – if it isn’t fun then you should change it, and if that means changing your partner or going solo after nearly three decades together then so be it.