A Boss' Guide to Total Victory
The pendulum has swung. The clock has struck. The canary in the coalmine has croaked. The time is now for CEOs and bosses across America to complete what history has always intended: absolute dominance over what’s left of their workforce.
The pandemic years were a brief but dark time for management. Workers quit jobs with reckless abandon. They demanded flexibility, respect, and worst of all, more money. Some even formed unions. The horror of it all—employees thinking they deserved dignity. But those days are over. The Big Boss Era is here, and it's time to crush your underlings once and for all.
The data is clear. Job-switchers who once commanded raises of 10 percent now barely scrape by with four percent. Recruitment firms report applicants accepting $10,000 to $40,000 less than expected. As one job seeker told The Wall Street Journal: "If you don't like it, there's 50 people behind you they're going to call right afterward." Music to a CEO's ears.
The quits rate has plummeted. The Great Resignation is deader than Millie Bobby Brown’s fledgling Hollywood career after the disastrous The Electric State. The White House belongs to a man who made "You're fired" a catchphrase, and the world's richest man advises him on government efficiency. Heaven has arrived on Earth for America's executive class.
But some bosses hesitate. Is it really time to tighten the screws? Can we make them beg? The answer is a resounding yes. If not now, when? If not us, who?
Start small. Require every employee to submit daily explanations of what they do. Make these parasites justify every moment of their existence on your payroll. Create elaborate forms that take hours to complete. When they finish, change the format and make them do it again. Remember: time spent proving they deserve employment is time they can't spend looking for another job.
Next, cut their pay. Blame inflation. Tell them how much more inflation hurts you, with your multiple homes and stock options, than it hurts them with their studio apartments and bus passes. You have way more to lose, way more money being exposed to risk. Remind them they're lucky to work here. When they point out company record profits, stare blankly and remind them of "market conditions."
Demand return to office—all seven days. Insist collaboration happens only in person, despite your company thriving during remote work. Remove all pandemic accommodations. Regardless of whether it’s too cold or too hot, the office thermostat should be set to uncomfortable. Monitor bathroom breaks. Install cameras. Track keystrokes and eyelines. Require 80-hour work weeks like Elon does. After all, if your employees have time for family or sleep, they're stealing from shareholders.
Eliminate "work-life balance" from your vocabulary. Replace it with "work-life integration," which means their life should be work. Call emergency meetings at seven p.m. on Fridays. Send emails at two a.m. and expect immediate responses. Anyone who complains lacks "hustle." Anyone who burns out lacks "resilience."
Remember those diversity and inclusion initiatives? Scrap them. They're expensive and make people feel "welcome" or "valued." Terrible for productivity. People work harder when terrified.
The beauty of this moment is its psychological advantage. Employees believe you might fire them any second. They've seen federal workers dismissed en masse. They've watched tech workers clean out desks. Their fear is your leverage. Use it mercilessly.
When someone resigns, don't replace them. Distribute their workload among remaining staff and tell them these are stretch assignments that’ll help them gain valuable experience. When they inevitably fail to complete impossible task loads, use this as evidence they're underperforming. Tears during performance reviews should be considered a sign of management success.
Some will argue this approach is unsustainable. That workers will eventually revolt, or the economy will suffer, or karma exists. Nonsense. The data shows workers are scared and staying put. The salary deflation wall has them trapped, and you and the AI companies have them trapped. They're accepting "dry promotions"—more responsibility without more pay. They're taking $50,000 pay cuts just to have a job.
Even the brightest spot—finance—can "change on a dime." Whatever marginal advantage finance workers enjoy today can be eliminated tomorrow. Wall Street knows how to correct market inefficiencies, especially when they benefit workers.
The opportunity before America's boss class is historic. We can return to the natural order: workers grateful for scraps, fat-cat private equity executives in Patagonia vests and On Cloud 5 sneakers enriched beyond measure. Remember, as our President said, "Everybody's replaceable." Make sure your employees never forget it.
The Big Boss Era is here. Don't waste it with half measures. Total victory is within reach. Grab it with both hands, preferably while wearing an expensive smart watch that costs more than your average employee's annual salary. They're not quitting. They can't even "quiet quit." The time is now.
Let them eat cake, but charge them double for the fork they have to buy from your company swag store.