RFK Jr.’s Plans for Stopping the Bird Flu
“Kennedy’s alarming prescription for bird flu on poultry farms. The health secretary has suggested allowing the virus to spread, so as to identify birds that may be immune. Such an experiment would be disastrous, scientists say.”
— New York Times
A deadly strain of bird flu has been detected in the United States of America. This, apparently, is our problem, even though no one told us we were in charge of birds. But now that we’re all caught up, we here at the Department of Health and Birds(?) want you to know that there is no reason to worry. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has a plan—and we’re feeling really good about it. But just in case his first plan somehow fails (which seems unlikely, but you never know), he has also prepared some backup plans and some backups for the backups, which we are confident will be not only effective but extremely legal.
Plan A: Do Nothing and See What Happens
This plan is already in effect.
Plan B: Kill All the Birds
It might sound harsh, but even Fauci can’t deny it—you can’t have bird flu if you don’t have birds.
Plan C: Give the Birds Guns
The thing about killing all the birds is that it would probably be really gross, but that’s where Plan C comes in. With guns, the birds can kill each other, and then we won’t have to do anything yucky. Plus, it’ll be a great way to use all the extra guns we have lying around.
Plan D: Deport the Birds
We’ll say the birds are terrorists.
Plan E: Tell the Birds That They Won a Free Cruise, but Then We Just Kill Them
Similar to Plan B, but with an element of trickery.
Plan F: Make Eggs MORE Expensive
Classic reverse psychology. We are so excited and grateful to spend twenty dollars per egg.
Plan G: Write a Musical About It
Great PR.
Plan H: Flush an Ice Cube Down the Toilet
It worked when we were kids…
Plan I: Send More Money to Israel
The old standby.
Plan J: Identify the Bird in Charge, Make Promises, Earn His Trust
Once we locate the Bird in Charge (the biggest one), we will offer to back it financially in exchange for a high-ranking position in bird government. This will enable us to do whatever the hell we want, like make sure the flu spreads only to birds that don’t matter, like woman birds. In the event that the Bird in Charge is unwilling to cooperate, we will eat it.
Plan K: Call Anthony Fauci
THIS IS A LAST RESORT.