We Are Free-Speech Absolutists, Unless You Say Something We Disagree With, In Which Case, You’re a Terrorist
“President Trump’s promised immigration crackdown is here. Over the past two weeks, his administration has pushed against the limits of executive power—and surpassed them, critics say—to kick more people out of the country.”
— New York Times
For far too long, Democrats have been suppressing free speech. They’ve tried to cancel right-wing pundits under the guise of “hate speech” or “shouting fire in a crowded theater” simply for voicing perfectly reasonable opinions like “Jews control the weather” or “the COVID vaccine makes your penis fall off.”
We Republicans, on the other hand, are free-speech absolutists who would never try to cancel someone for sharing their beliefs. Unless you disagree with us, in which case, you’re obviously a terrorist.
Democrats have a long history of violating the First Amendment. Under their repressive 1984-esque rule, people could be kicked off social media for nothing more than the thought crime of being a self-avowed Nazi. Thankfully, now that Republicans control the government and most major media platforms, everyone’s constitutional right to freedom of speech is protected.
Assuming you aren’t using that constitutional right to peacefully protest the war in Gaza, of course, in which case, we will detain you without a trial, strip away your legal status, kick you out of the country, and force your pregnant wife to deliver her baby alone. But that’s a much gentler punishment than being banned from posting on a website.
Some might say it’s unconstitutional to arrest and deport people without due process just because they expressed an opinion we don’t like. But it’s important to remember that we are only arresting and deporting terrorists. And terrorists don’t have constitutional rights. How do we define “terrorist”? A terrorist is anyone we think is bad. Thus, by the transitive property, it follows that anyone we think is bad does not have constitutional rights. That said, if Mike Myers doesn’t keep his mouth shut, we’ll be deporting him next. His impersonation of Elon Musk on SNL was comedic terrorism.
Of course, our crackdown on terrorism won’t just be limited to speech. Democrats were so busy implementing totalitarian cultural Marxism (preventing white supremacists from holding recruitment rallies at college campuses) that they went completely soft on crime. That’s why we’re rounding up suspected Venezuelan gang members, whom we’ve also labeled terrorists, and deporting them without a trial. And if it sounds to you like we’re doing that without legal precedent, you’re wrong. We’re using the same statute we used to detain Japanese Americans in concentration camps during WWII. So we’re confident our approach is legally and morally sound.
For those asking—no, we are not disclosing the names of those terrorists or providing any evidence of their crimes. And yes, for all you know, those Venezuelan gang members may not be Venezuelan, or even gang members. But you’re just going to have to trust us when we tell you that they’re bad hombres. Even if they’re technically neither bad nor hombres. In fact, we have reason to suspect that Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez may herself be a Venezuelan gang member, and we are fully prepared to deport her. Just because she’s a US citizen doesn’t mean we can’t pick a Latin American country at random and ship her there.
A policy where we can harass, question, and detain anyone without trial under the guise of terrorism might seem as if we could use it to make anyone whose views we disagree with disappear, even US citizens. But don’t worry, as long as you never peacefully protest, write an article, or text your friend that meme of Elon Musk and Donald Trump where they look like Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber, then you have nothing to fear.
Besides, there are plenty of Americans we would never go after. Like the brave freedom fighters who took a self-guided walking tour of the Capitol on January 6, 2021. They’re not terrorists; they’re patriots.