Asking Eric: My husband’s strategy is to keep talking about his problem until I fix it
Dear Eric: My husband is in his mid-80s and I’m in my late 70s. My husband has always suffered from anxiety, whereas I am calmer.
Over the years, my husband has used various anti-anxiety drugs under a doctor’s supervision and found one that helps, but it doesn’t allow him to stop cycling around and around about his worries. He has tried some mindfulness techniques, but at times of high anxiety, he doesn’t use them.
When he is in this loop, he will refer to the issue frequently but not take any steps to fix the issue. This really stresses me out. He will “blow up” if I offer a suggestion.
His technique has always been to verbalize the problem over and over until I can’t stand it anymore and take care of it without bothering him.
After he had an operation recently, I had to be his caregiver for a period of time. He really thanked me for it. But he has “lost a step” physically. I’m constantly worried when we go out together that he might injure himself, and he resents my nervousness.
I want to enjoy our time together and not be made nervous by his anxiety attacks and physical decline. I’m no longer as calm as I used to be! Any advice?
– Anxiety Overload
Dear Overload: One of the wonderful things about cultivating mindfulness is that it’s available to anyone at any time. It’s a way of thinking about one’s physical, mental and emotional state without judgment.
Many people who experience anxiety find that it helps them to break out of a stress cycle, or at least to pause it long enough to gather their thoughts. I’m glad that it works for your husband, and I think that it might work for you, too.
It sounds like you’ve done a lot of work over the decades of your relationship to navigate your husband’s journey with anxiety. Some of the methods you’ve adopted, however, may not have given you what you need. For instance, if you’re focused on trying to help him find a solution to something he’s stuck on, you may be placing your own emotional regulation second. After his issue is solved, you’re left to navigate any tension, stress or anxiety that you’re feeling on your own.
That’s becoming more of an issue now. You can be a good caregiver and companion while also tending to your own emotional needs. In fact, doing so makes you a better caregiver and companion. The Calm app or the book “The Miracle of Mindfulness” by Thich Nhat Hanh are great places to begin.
When you find yourself getting nervous, acknowledge that feeling without judgment – you may even want to tell your husband, “I’m feeling stress; I’m going to take a second. Thank you for your patience.” You’ve spent years giving him the time he needs to reset; give yourself that time, too.
Dear Eric: I read the question and your answer to “Undecided Plans,” who was having cold feet about retiring.
I retired a few years ago at 71, and a few times a year I’ve been teaching an all-day workshop on retiring. I have several things to add to your suggestions.
1) Many people are ready financially for retirement significantly before they are emotionally ready.
2) After 50 years of saving for retirement it is challenging for most to start spending down what they have saved.
3) Most of us know what we are retiring from but aren’t always sure what we are retiring to.
4) Research indicates that transitioning into retirement is more successful for those who’ve planned for it.
– Retire Well
Dear Retire Well: Thank you for sharing your knowledge. I love that you teach a class; these are life skills that can be learned and honed.
Dear Eric: With regard to “Undecided Plans” – retirement doesn’t have to be “all or nothing” in terms of a paycheck.
When my husband retired for similar reasons of time and health, he continued to work part time at a climbing gym, making his own schedule and doing something that he enjoyed. He brought in a small paycheck for eight years until the pandemic closed the gym. Now he is fully retired.
“Undecided Plans” could look around for something that fits his interests and transition from fully employed to fully retired at his own pace.
– Part-Time Retirement
Dear Retirement: A number of readers wrote in about how important a part-time job was in helping them transition. It provides a financial cushion and helps give days a structure, without overloading one’s schedule.
Volunteering also came up as a great way of continuing to engage with people and ideas while learning what excites you in this new phase of life.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.