Miss Manners: If only one of you is wearing clothes, then you’re not friends

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a physician, so I am used to people addressing me as “Dr. Jones.”

That includes both patients and non-physician staff in the hospital where I work. Even out in public, if I run into someone from the hospital, it is common for them to address me as “Dr. Jones.”

However, when I go to a medical office as a patient, whether it is my primary care physician, the dentist, the optometrist or another specialist, they invariably address me by my first name.

It is my impression that I am nonetheless expected to address them as “Dr. Smith,” whether in person or in subsequent correspondence.

What is the etiquette for a patient who is a physician addressing the doctor providing care? Is it acceptable for me to use their first name, or should I always address them as “Dr. Smith”?

GENTLE READER: Did you just now notice this inequity? Or have you always addressed your patients with titles and surnames, since you expect them to use yours?

Because that is the rule. Respect should be reciprocal.

It rarely is, in these situations.

Doctors tell Miss Manners that they should be so addressed because they earned the right to that title, and that they use patients’ first names to be friendly and put them at ease.

But patients are also entitled to honorifics, just by virtue of being adult human beings. Furthermore, they do not consult doctors because they are looking to make friends. So these are formal situations, in which patients are in need of dignity and professional distance.

As Miss Manners has pointed out, when people are friends, they either both have their clothes on or neither of them do.

You could use the ploy of responding in kind, using your physician’s given name. Or, slightly more tactfully, you could ask, “Shall we call each other ‘doctor,’ or do you prefer to use first names?”

But this would only establish that you, too, are on that august level they assume. You could make both points by pleasantly saying, “I don’t call my patients by their first names — it seems fairer and more dignified to call them ‘Mr.’ or ‘Ms.’ Or ‘Doctor,’ as the case may be.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a “best” or “correct” way to seat couples at a dinner party using place cards?

My husband and I enjoy speaking with other people, and we split couples up when we host. However, our friends seat couples together.

Should one ask couples in advance whether they’d prefer to be seated together or separately? It seems a shame not to ask, since we would have liked to have been asked, but it puts guests on the spot for an answer.

GENTLE READER: Why would you want to be seated together? Or, asked another way, if you and your spouse want to have dinner together, why are you accepting an invitation to a dinner party?

It is the duty of guests to socialize with the hosts and other guests. The rule is to separate couples so that they can do so. They should not be asked, because no one wants to declare a preference for being apart.

If there is a compelling reason (“My wife broke her arm and can’t manage the fork”), the guest should declare it.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.