This is how and when you should show vulnerability at work
Executives and managers are traditionally reluctant to express any tender inner feelings from their teams and peers. Yet leaders who are willing to tap into the power of vulnerability are seeing benefits to their ability to connect, motivate, and lead teams.
The experience of vulnerability might feel weak to some, but researchers like Brené Brown have reframed the expression of vulnerability as an act of courage, a superpower that can boost psychological safety and foster a culture of innovation and creative risk-taking. Leaders and managers who share experiences of uncertainty can also create personal connections that can help motivate and inspire others.
However, expressing tender, sensitive, or risky thoughts and feelings can be tricky—how do you share uncertainty or challenge without undermining the trust and confidence of others?
Encouraging vulnerability
In my work as a facilitator of the Stanford Graduate School of Business’s popular organizational behavior elective, “Interpersonal Dynamics” (nicknamed “touchy feely”) we encourage MBA students to experiment with sharing vulnerability in small groups of peers.
Many of these high-achievers come from families and cultures that push away difficult emotions and conceal vulnerability. The curriculum emphasizes emotional self-awareness and intentional self-disclosure as a means to build trusting relationships, grow influence, and resolve conflict.
Our small groups provide a learning laboratory in which, despite discomfort, many students take the risk to share (some for the first time ever) their challenges, uncertainties and dreams. Through sharing and listening to others, they build trust and grow their capacity to empathize, connect, and resolve conflict, ending the class with new lifelong friends. But as powerful as this experience is for students, they often wonder how to apply these classroom lessons to the “real world.”
They’re not wrong to be cautious. Thoughtful expressions of vulnerability can foster authenticity, trust, and innovation. But careless, unregulated, or excessive vulnerability can be costly. Intense vulnerability can create a burden on the team by increasing their anxiety or requiring care-taking, and some might interpret it as weakness or incompetence. The most effective leaders are self-aware, know their triggers, and balance competence and presence with authentic vulnerability. They calibrate and make conscious choices about when, how, and with whom they share vulnerability.
If you’re seeking ways to bring more of your authentic self to work, below are some helpful key guidelines to follow:
Be intentional
Leading with vulnerability isn’t about unguarded or careless eruptions of emotion. As with any communication, pause and check that your intent is constructive and generous. You should act in support of your team, rather than reactive and self-serving.
Put the needs of the team above your own and always consider your potential impact on your audience. This might mean disclosing a personal challenge to foster a culture of openness, voicing uncertainty about your opinion in order to invite contribution or model risk-taking, or sharing your hopes and dreams to help inspire others.
Avoid venting. As much as it can provide momentary relief, it might be costly to relationships and morale, or burden a colleague. If feel grips of intense emotion, anger, fear, or sadness coming along, take a break, self-regulate, and make a conscious choice about what to communicate.
Maintain boundaries
Be mindful of oversharing. Drawing appropriate boundaries around what you share protects your team from having to take care of or manage you. Self-regulation and healthy boundaries aren’t just about protecting others; they also serve to protect you. Women, particularly women of color, and other under-represented groups are subject to greater scrutiny, bias, and criticism when they express vulnerability, uncertainty or anger and may not feel safe or supported when they share.
The right level of sharing will depend from person to person. One piece of guidance is to “share scars, not wounds,” meaning that it’s generally safer to share something that you’ve processed or healed rather than something you’re still working through. Reserve those conversations for your friends, family, or a therapist.
Modulate
It’s also important to modulate the intensity of your communication. Simon Sinek cautions that leaders, especially CEOs, often need to tone down their releases of emotion because “a whisper becomes a shout.” People might interpret your concern as panic, hear your irritation as fury, or conclude that your musings are a mandate. Pause before sharing and choose your words carefully. Your words will reverberate, so dial it down to avoiding undermining credibility and competence. For example, to acknowledge your own uncertainty and rally the team to collaborate in the face of a challenge, you might say, “I don’t have all the answers but I am confident that we can work together to identify a path forward.”
Try positive vulnerability
Oftentimes, students enter our class thinking that they must share their most painful stories—experiences of hardship, loss, and grief—but vulnerability isn’t just about pain or uncertainty. Telling a colleague, “Meetings always run better when you are there,” or “Your presentation changed my perspective,” might feel awkward, but these sentiments create an opening for connection with little downside.
Clients and students sometimes worry that appreciation or words of affirmation can sound “cheesy” or inauthentic. But true positive sentiment—care, gratitude, or acknowledging someone’s influence on you—can create connection without negative baggage. Another positive approach is to share learning or “crucible moments”—when you faced a challenge, however imperfectly, and came out changed by the experience—which demonstrates vulnerability, humility, and growth.
Authentic, calibrated expressions of vulnerable thoughts, feelings, and experiences can improve your effectiveness as a leader. After all, we’re all human, and tapping into our shared humanity can be a powerful tool to create connection and foster innovation.