I’m trapped by controlling husband I thought was knight in shining armour – now I want to escape with another man
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I first met my husband, I thought he was my knight in shining armour – now I just want to escape with another man.
I’m 29, my husband is 34, and we’ve been together for nine years.
My childhood wasn’t the happiest. My parents were controlling and spent most of their time berating me and putting me down.
As a result, I went off the rails, and they eventually kicked me out at 18, leaving me homeless and alone.
I bounced from sofa to sofa until I met my husband at a house party.
He was a few years older than me and I found safety in him. But thinking back, I definitely overlooked a lot of red flags.
Now, I realise I traded my controlling parents for a controlling partner. I can’t go anywhere any more without him giving me grief and starting an argument.
Every day is overshadowed with worry that the next incident will cause him to blow up.
I feel completely trapped in this marriage, so when I met a lovely, caring man at work, I couldn’t stop myself responding to his advances.
I hoped my colleague would be the answer to all my problems and, at first, he seemed really into me, but now he’s started to pull away.
While cheating was wrong, it felt like my only way out, and he gave me hope.
I know I need to stop trying to escape from my problems with men, but how?
READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: While it’s hurtful this man has pulled away from you, it has forced you to reflect and recognise a pattern.
The answer to your problems doesn’t lie in someone else’s hands, but in your own.
Don’t rush into another relationship, which will just complicate matters.
You will benefit from working on your low self-esteem but first it’s important to deal with your marriage.
It’s clear you’re unhappy with your husband and want to leave. If you’re certain he won’t change and staying with him will continue to make you miserable, it’s time you make the break.
My support pack, Ending A Relationship, will help you through.
If you’re worried about his reaction, contact Women’s Aid (womensaid.org.uk), who can help you leave safely.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
SO UPSET AFTER MY DOG DIED
DEAR DEIDRE: I’VE been beside myself since I had to put down our beloved family dog.
Every day I walk through the door expecting him to come running up to me, and when he doesn’t, it all comes crashing over me again.
I’m 40, and my wife and I adopted our dog nine years ago, not long after we moved in together.
He was with us for every big milestone, from getting engaged to having kids.
He became an integral part of our family, and now he’s gone. It’s left a huge hole in my life.
While the vet said we had no other choice, as his organs were failing, I feel so guilty that we had to say goodbye.
I can’t stop crying. I miss him so much.
DEIDRE SAYS: The death of a much-loved pet will take time to process.
Our animals are a part of our families so allow yourself the time and space to grieve properly.
Talking about your dog, especially to friends and relatives who have had a similar experience, can help. Some people even find that it helps to write down their thoughts and feelings.
While you can’t help feeling guilty, remember that you made the right choice for him, and nothing else could be done.
My support pack, Coping With Bereavement, will help.
LIFE RUINED BY NASTY NEIGHBOUR
DEAR DEIDRE: I’VE had a gutful of my disruptive and antisocial next-door neighbour.
Whether she’s playing music loudly, banging and making noises late at night or stealing my parcels, she’s intent on making my life a misery. She has a stream of unpleasant guests who peer into my windows as they pass.
I’m a 36-year-old woman, and I live alone in a flat. I was happy in my home until eight months ago when the neighbour moved in. She’s 54.
It’s been a complete nightmare. No matter how many times I’ve tried to speak to her nicely, she always ends up verbally attacking me.
All of my other neighbours are too afraid to say anything, but I’m at my wits’ end.
DEIDRE SAYS: Neighbourly disputes are very stressful, and it can be hard to know what to do.
Getting legal advice would be a sensible first move.
You can get free advice through citizensadvice.org.uk. I would also consider contacting your landlord or building manager about the problems that you’re experiencing.
Start taking a note of any incident so that you have a clear record to back up your experience.
And read my support pack Nuisance Neighbours, which should help.
STUCK BETWEEN FEUDING FAMILY
DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE my parents’ nasty divorce, I’ve felt stuck between them.
I love them both, but trying to keep the peace has been an uphill battle, and I’m tired of being in the middle.
I’m a 32-year-old man, and my parents separated four years ago after being married for more than 30 years. My mum is 60 and my dad is 63.
Their marriage used to be happy, but over the years, things turned sour. For the last decade, there was constant arguing, and it even got to the point where they moved into separate rooms.
When my dad finally decided they should get a divorce, my mum didn’t take it well.
Ever since, she’s been poisoning everyone against him and has successfully manipulated both my siblings into cutting all contact with him.
Now, I’m the only person that still talks to him, and mediating between everyone has become a draining and impossible task.
My dad just wants to be a part of his kids’ lives and is so torn up they want nothing to do with him.
Every time I try to talk to my mum and siblings about it, they gang up on me and guilt-trip me about still caring for him.
I’m so tired of all of it. How do I make peace?
DEIDRE SAYS: Navigating a division in a family can be incredibly difficult, especially when you are caught between two people you care about.
However, it’s not your responsibility to act as a go-between.
If your mum and siblings refuse to work through these problems, you may need to accept that peace may not be possible.
Instead, you need to set boundaries and tell your parents that, while you’ll be there for them, you can’t mediate for them any longer.
My support pack, When Parents Fall Out, should be useful to you.
And you can also find support through Family Action (family-action.org.uk, 0808 802 6666).