SHPRC abandons Sex Week after dorm, roomcest increase
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
In a recent anonymous survey conducted by the Sexual Health Peer Resource Center (SHPRC), approximately one in five Stanford undergraduates admitted to having engaged in a sexual relationship with someone within their dorm building since the conclusion of Sex Week. The revelation is causing an uproar among SHPRC leaders, who are concerned their flagship sex-positive program may have contributed to — or even caused — the rise of intra-house sexual relations.
“We believe in supporting all forms of consensual intimacy at Stanford, but we have to draw the line somewhere,” said Emily Marcus ‘25, a representative of SHPRC. “Sex positivity is one thing, but we’re better than dormcest. In response to this alarming development, SHPRC has decided to course-correct with a new, week-long, abstinence-only, faith-based teaching regime titled ‘Chaste Week.’ It will begin on Jan. 26, as a means of reinstating monogamy, modesty and good Christian values on this campus once again.”
SHPRC has already begun a soft launch of this new program by removing condoms, lube and sex toys from shelves at their Vaden storefront. They have also done away with their lending library, replacing it with four dusty VHS tapes used for classroom sex education in the 1990s and the largest collection of King Charles Bibles in the Bay Area.
The Daily was able to acquire a copy of Chaste Week’s upcoming programming. Events included “Are You Purer Than a Holy Man? Trivia @ The Arbor” with Rev. Joel Osteen, “Suppressing Desire” in partnership with Memorial Church, and “Modesty With Style” featuring Stanford Drag Troupe. Joseph Flanders ‘25 had never attended a Sex Week event in his four years at Stanford, but he said the new Chaste Week program is “much appreciated as I attempt to keep my carnal desires at bay, lest they lead me to walk hand-in-hand with Satan, forcing God and my future employers to forsake me in my shameful ruin.”
Not all students are as enthused by SHPRC’s recent changes. One dorm couple in Robinson House discussed the new programs on the condition of strict anonymity: “This is really just a slap in the face to all people who believe in loving whoever you want without concern for where they come from. Like, think about what SHPRC was doing just the other week. One moment they’re fine selling me a Mountain Dew flavored dental dam, and the next they have a problem just because I get it on with the guy across the hall? It’s seriously hypocritical.”
Whether Stanford students welcome changes at SHPRC or reject them remains to be seen, but the leaders of SHPRC have promised that they will not rest until every case of dormcest is cured either by the might of God or the power of abstinence.
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