I am losing motivation to care for my ill wife who treats me like a servant
DEAR DEIDRE: KIDNEY dialysis has given my wife a second chance at life but I feel like mine is over. She’s 58 and I’m 60.
She had been unwell for a while and a routine blood test revealed her kidneys weren’t functioning properly.
Now she has to use a kidney dialysis machine at home four days a week for four hours each time.
Because of this schedule, she’s had to give up work. But she’s also given up doing anything around the house.
All she does now is watch TV, knit, or snoop on the neighbours out of the window.
She never wants to go out. When I suggested a drink in our local pub, she just laughed.
I work full-time. I’m tired when I get home but before I can relax, I have to cook dinner for both of us and tidy up the mess she’s made during the day.
My weekends are spent tackling the housework and the laundry.
She also needs help to change her dressings and to shower.
I could cope with all of this if I got any affection in return but she treats me like a live-in carer.
She never touches me, has lost all interest in sex and we sleep in separate bedrooms.
The only texts I get from her are reminders to pick up her pills.
I feel guilty saying this because she’s not well but I don’t know how much longer I can do this.
DEIDRE SAYS: Caring for another person, even a person you love very much, is incredibly hard.
It’s common to feel resentment, stress or guilt.
Talking to a sympathetic pal or relative will help you let off steam.
You might feel your wife is well enough to do housework but chronic kidney disease often causes fatigue, or anaemia which leaves people feeling exhausted.
It might be worth talking to her GP about her tiredness.
Also, reach out to Kidney Care UK (kidneycareuk.org, 0808 801 00 00).
It is a kidney patient support charity providing advice, help and financial assistance.
Have you told your wife how you’re feeling?
She’s probably been so caught up in her health struggles that she doesn’t realise the impact they are having on you.
Is there any reason why you can’t share a bed again, for instance?
Tell her how you miss being close to her – you may find that she feels the same.
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