New York Times News Quiz, ca. 2045

1 of 11: Former President Donald J. Trump, the first U.S. president to serve during a Civil War since Abraham Lincoln in 1861, died this week at 98. Which of the following was his last recorded statement?

• “I’m not dying”
• “I’m running for president”
• “Pass me that gun so I can make sure JD goes before me”
• “Covfeve”

2 of 11: Congress passed a bill this week that is set to increase the federal minimum wage to what hourly rate?

• $7.50/hr
• The rate remains $7.25/hr but now includes a voucher for 15% off at Amazon.com
• The bill failed to pass, by one vote
• The rate decreased, actually

3 of 11: The CDC reported that the latest strain of Hand, Foot, Mouth, Ear, Nose, Throat, and Torso Disease has accounted for five million deaths nationwide. How many Americans have received the latest vaccine?

• 5 percent
• 0.5 percent
• Approximately 10–15 people
• The CDC was dissolved 20 years ago

4 of 11: In 1957, U.S. Senator Strom Thurmond (SC) spoke for 24 hours and 18 minutes in protest of the Civil Rights Act, marking the longest filibuster in Senate history—until this Wednesday when the record was broken. Which senator spoke for 30 hours, and what was the subject of their filibuster?

• 103-year-old Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT); health care reform
• Sen. Josh Hawley Jr. (R-MO); Equality for the Security of the Border Act (a bid to build walls around the northern, eastern, and western U.S. borders)
• Sen. Kim Kardashian (D-CA); Regulatory Oversight of the North American Petroleum Industry and SKIMS Act of 2044
• 111-year-old Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA); unintelligible

5 of 11: After hundreds of injuries and several fatalities, Jeff Bezos suggested it may be time to suspend Amazon’s Prime Intelligence Shift Supervisor Program. How have Prime Automatons been harming factory employees?

• Prime Automatons have inadvertently photon-blasted Amazon’s remaining human employees who’ve discussed unionizing
• Prime Automatons have inadvertently starved Amazon’s remaining human employees by photon-blasting their bagged lunches
• Prime Automatons have inadvertently lured Amazon’s remaining human employees into a false sense of security, before seducing them and ultimately frying their genitals
• Prime Automatons have done all of the above, but have done so following direct programming orders. The nonfatal injuries were the result of a human programming error. That employee has been fired

6 of 11: A law passed in Louisiana last week will allow public school teachers to remove what topic(s) from previously mandated curricula?

• Foreign language requirement
• American History, 1776–2016
• Geometry, in its entirety
• Anything they see fit

7 of 11: Floppy disks, beepers, and Xerox machines are all on the rise. What primary grievance has Generation Beta voiced as motivation for ditching today’s technology?

• Cyber-security threats jeopardizing user-sensitive data
• The $79,999 price tag of Apple’s iBody 5
• Neuralink’s inability to produce paper copies
• Retinal Combustion Syndrome (RCS)—a recent phenomenon linking 20+ hours of daily screen time to the singeing of users’ retinas

8 of 11: In a landmark case, all 18 Supreme Court justices unanimously ruled that human life begins at conception. According to Chief Justice Kavanaugh’s written opinion, what else was determined to be enforceable by law?

• All women must be referred to as “mothers”
• All “mothers” must rear children
• All “mothers” who undergo hysterectomies will be tried for murder
• The Ten Commandments “must be read aloud to the mother” directly following conception in an effort to “start the fetus down the right path”
• All of the above

9 of 11: Viatris Inc., the supplier of EpiPen, is facing a $1 trillion price-gouging lawsuit. Why has demand for EpiPens skyrocketed in the past month?

• In conversation with Texas Governor Joe Rogan, Boca Raton Mayor Tucker Carlson falsely claimed that the use of epinephrine prolongs male pleasure during sex
• Hordes of college males have begun using EpiPens recreationally
• Due to a lack of research funding, more Americans suffer anaphylactic allergic reactions than ever before
• All of the above

10 of 11: Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk agreed this week to compete in a tie-breaking, winner-takes-all fifth MMA fight, to be live-streamed exclusively on XMeta Media in the summer. Why?

• Machismo
• To raise awareness for those suffering from RCS
• To fund the rescue of 12 Americans stranded on Mars after a failed SpaceX mission
• Your guess is as good as ours

11 of 11: As much as it pains us to say this, just this morning, Rupert Murdoch successfully completed his hostile takeover of the New York Times, making this our last-ever NYT News Quiz. Per today’s press release, how does Murdoch plan on reshaping our company?

• Replacing The Daily’s Michael Barbaro and Sabrina Tavernise with Greg Gutfeld and Ann Coulter
• Launching a version of Connections that asks the user to match Murdoch’s twelve children to all eight of his wives
• Dissolving the company entirely
• Wait, he actually just died of RCS, so now we have no idea