Miss Manners: Do I tell my best friend how I feel about her fiance?
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am at a loss: My best friend has asked me to officiate her wedding to a guy I can’t stand.
I’m not sure if I should tell her the truth or try to get out of it another way.
GENTLE READER: These are related, but separate, problems, which are going to require further inquiry into the reason for your dislike.
You should certainly tell your friend if your objections contain information she does not possess, and which would constitute a substantive reason for calling off the wedding — for example, if you and her fiance are still legally married.
If your dislike affects only yourself, then you might find a reason that is less fully truthful, but also less likely to dampen your friend’s enthusiasm on the day — perhaps that, if you were officiating, you do not feel you would be able to enjoy her happiness as much as you would like.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two months ago, my parents asked if they could stay with my fiancee and me for a few nights. (They live in a different part of the country.)
After checking with my fiancee, we agreed, and my parents are coming for a four-night visit.
Last week, my fiancee announced that her mother and sister, who also live in a different part of the country, would be passing through town on either end of a vacation. We’ve agreed to host them for one night, but the other night overlaps with my parents’ visit.
My fiancee wants to offer to host them when my parents are here. I’ve suggested we pay for their hotel room instead.
There are a few issues at play: For one, my fiancee’s mother stayed with us for over a week in the spring, and my parents have never visited. And we only have one guest bed, so someone would need to sleep on an air mattress on the floor.
But what it really boils down to is that these sets of future in-laws have never met each other. I think it would be best to introduce everyone over dinner — after which, everyone can retreat to their own spaces — rather than being jammed together in our smallish house.
Am I being mean and ungenerous?
GENTLE READER: It has occurred to Miss Manners that the genie of legend may have taken to granting wishes based on an overly literal reading of summoners’ requests only after millennia of asking, “Is that really what you want?”
She has no insight into whether you are being mean or ungenerous. And she thinks many of the points you introduce will raise the temperature in an already-crowded house without solving the central question.
The question to be asked is, “Dearest, don’t you think that the best way for our parents to meet for the first time is over a lovely dinner — not fighting for towels in the bathroom?” This will then lead logically to a hotel for her relatives, since their stay is the shorter.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.