Harriette Cole: My traumatized husband says real men don’t do therapy
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been married to my husband for a year, and I love him, but I’ve come to realize that he has a lot of unresolved issues from his childhood that still affect him today.
He grew up in a tough environment, and while he’s worked hard to build a good life for himself, I can see how the pain and trauma from those early years linger in his behavior and mindset.
He struggles to open up emotionally and often bottles up his feelings until they come out in bursts of frustration or anger.
I believe therapy could help him work through his challenges, gain some peace of mind and improve his overall mood and outlook on life.
The problem is, whenever I bring up the idea of therapy, he shuts it down immediately. He says he doesn’t need it, that he can handle his issues on his own and that therapy isn’t something “real men” do.
It breaks my heart to see him carrying such a heavy emotional burden, especially when I know how much better he could feel if he allowed himself to seek help.
How can I encourage my husband to consider therapy without making him feel like I’m criticizing him or questioning his masculinity?
— Therapy Now
DEAR THERAPY NOW: Be patient. It may take time for your husband to consider therapy.
Meanwhile, look for books that may provide insight into dealing with childhood trauma that may open his eyes. One title, “Healing Childhood Trauma,” by Robin Marvel, may help. It is available as an audiobook.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m in my 20s, and lately, I’ve been struggling with a serious case of FOMO (fear of missing out).
Most of my friends are in a position where they can afford to go out regularly, whether it’s dinners at trendy restaurants, nights out at bars or weekend getaways.
I am on a much tighter budget, and I can’t keep up financially.
I see their group pictures on social media or hear them talking about the fun they had, and it’s a constant reminder that I’m missing out. They invite me to join, but I often have to make excuses or decline because I simply can’t afford it.
I’ve tried suggesting cheaper alternatives, like movie nights at home or potlucks, but they seem more interested in going out and spending money.
I don’t want to isolate myself or seem like a boring, broke friend; at the same time, I’m trying to be responsible with my finances and prioritize my long-term goals, like paying off student loans and saving for the future.
How can I deal with these feelings of FOMO?
— Managing Relationships
DEAR MANAGING RELATIONSHIPS: Congratulations on working to be responsible for your life, especially in the face of the great temptation to try to hang with your friends who have deeper pockets. It is not easy to keep your eyes on your goals, but you are doing it.
Look at your friend group, and identify who you feel closest to. Confide that you would like to spend more time with them, but you simply can’t afford it. Ask if that person would ever consider doing alternative fun activities that don’t require too much money.
Open your eyes to see who else in your orbit would enjoy your company. It may be time to expand your friend group so that you push past FOMO and create your own experiences.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.