Asking Eric: Our mother’s mania for travel is out of control
Dear Eric: My parents are in their late 80s, and I feel very fortunate they live independently and are financially secure.
However, my mother has developed a mania for travel over the past few years which has caused my sister and me a lot of stress.
This year alone, she’s taken five international cruises and at least as many domestic trips.
My mother has mobility issues and was diagnosed with cognitive decline, and her doctor advised her against solo travel. My father, who is almost 90, threw up his hands long ago.
When my schedule permits, I’ve gone along, and seen her forget to eat meals, get confused about what city she’s in, struggle to walk during tours and develop aches and pains, and spend half the day sleeping. Just last month, she couldn’t figure out online check-in for her cruise or how to find the car I’d booked when she docked in my city.
She stayed with me for several days afterward and barely left the couch, complaining frequently about how tiring the trip was.
Less than two weeks later, she announced she’d planned a lengthy cruise to Asia next year; she’d clearly forgotten about her experience on the one she’d just taken. I was so upset I had to end the call.
At this point, what can we do? My sister and I don’t want to take away something she looks forward to, even if she doesn’t really enjoy it much at this point, and offered to alternate taking her on three or four shorter trips each year. It didn’t help.
Should we investigate cutting off her credit cards or other drastic steps?
– Globe Trotter
Dear Globe: I know this is concerning and you want to do what’s right to protect your mom, but don’t grab the credit cards and the scissors just yet.
Trying to disempower her may cause her to withdraw or cut you off. She’s going to need you in her corner going forward.
If it’s possible, you or your sister should go to the doctor with her and talk through exactly what the nature of decline the doctor is noticing. Compare what the doctor says to what you’re noticing and experiencing.
With the doctor and your mom, clearly lay out your concerns about travel and ask for the doctor’s advice. Even if the doctor just reiterates that solo travel isn’t advisable, ask for alternative strategies and ways of helping your mom to remember. You’ll want to make her a partner in her care.
With cognitive decline, it’s often necessary to have multiple conversations before a loved one makes a change. But continuing to be honest and compassionate with your mom, while also being insistent about the need to be more involved in her care, will help her feel empowered while also providing her the care she needs. The Alzheimer’s Association has a wealth of resources and guidance to support you, as well.
Dear Eric: My husband and I hope you can help us with a sticky situation.
About six years ago, we met a couple on a cruise and as they had friends near us, we invited them to visit when in our area.
This happened, and all went well as we share many common interests.
However, as the years progressed, this couple has repeatedly invited themselves to our house, even more than once a year and always during the winter months.
I should also add that we live in Florida, and they are Northerners, and this invitation is never reciprocated.
The lady of this couple is highly abrasive and we have reached our tolerance level.
I’m sure they have no idea of our true feelings, although we never invite them to visit us. How may we extricate ourselves from this uncomfortable situation?
– Cruise Out of Control
Dear Cruise: Wow, these snowbirds really found the golden egg when they linked up with you on the high seas. They may not realize they’re overstepping, so it’s time to clip their wings, as it were.
You can have a direct conversation, telling them that things have changed on your end, and you think it’s best you all go your separate ways. This avoids confusion but runs the risk of ruffling feathers, especially if all has seemed well-and-good to them up until now. Their bruised feelings are their responsibility to deal with, but I understand if this is a little more hawkish than you’d like.
The other option is to simply tell them you’re not available to host them anymore the next time they call to invite themselves. “We’re glad you enjoyed yourselves, but things have changed for us down here and we can’t welcome you as we did in the past.” If you want to preserve civility, perhaps offer to get a meal if/when you’re next near their nest.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.