Coparenting my tweens is harder after my divorce. Their time is split between 2 households and we have different rules.
Courtesy of Isobella Jade
- My ex and I have joint custody, which means I only get to see my two kids every other week.
- It's difficult to teach them responsible independence because their routines constantly shift.
- Giving my kids phones has significantly improved my stress. I check on them daily when they're away.
When I signed the divorce papers, both of my kids were in elementary school, and I hadn't considered what their fast-approaching tween era would be like with joint custody.
Then, in the blink of an eye, my daughter was 10 and my son 12. Both were on their way to more independence but what that looks like differs in my home compared to my ex's.
In my home, I run a tight ship. On school nights, they have a steady curfew unless they're at an extracurricular activity. And when they want to go somewhere by themselves they must get my permission first.
Courtesy of Isobella Jade
These hard rules are necessary because I only see my kids every other week, and these are the years when they're learning how to become their best selves. As I try to teach them how to be responsible young adults, I know these rules might not look the same at the other parent's home.
The inconsistency can be frustrating — both for me and the kids. However, as a divorced parent, I've learned there is nothing I can do to guarantee our different home routines will align.
My divorce was high conflict and involved a lot of stress. As a result, my ex and I don't typically chit-chat unless we have to, and even if I send a text message, it's not guaranteed I'll get a reply.
I felt out of touch so phones became a priority
The first year after the divorce, I felt extremely out of touch with my children when they were at the other parent's home.
Courtesy of Isobella Jade
When they would return to my home a week later, that's when I'd find out one went to a sleepover, or had a sunburn, or a homework assignment wasn't done.
I didn't like being out of the loop. I wanted to know if my daughter was going to a friend's house or if my son was going to the arcade with friends.
That's when phones became a priority. Giving my kids phones has significantly helped my stress as a divorced parent who shares custody.
Now, I text or call my kids daily when we're apart to check in about how they are doing, their whereabouts and plans, and to send reminders about getting homework done.
I'm also serious about getting healthy sleep. Often, when I call to say goodnight when the kids are at the other parent's home, they haven't gotten ready for bed, yet.
That's why, lately, I'm teaching them to value their own well-being, health, sleep, and academics. That way, no matter which home they're in, they can make positive choices for themselves.
I recognize that living in 2 households may not be the best for the kids
Courtesy of Isobella Jade
Overall, I think my kids would be more independent if we weren't a divorced family because then they would have the same daily routines, which can affect independence.
My ex doesn't keep me informed during his time with the kids about how they're doing, and — to be honest — I don't either, unless he asks or it's about extracurricular activities, pick up, drop off exchanges, or an emergency. It's a hard lesson in how communication dies after a family breaks up.
Although I'm not always there in person, I can at least try to teach my kids about what responsibility looks like with friendly text reminders and check-in calls when they're away. It's a small but comforting win.