[Two Pronged] Best of both worlds? A man is courting me and another woman at the same time
Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr Baer:
Recently I got this text from a man (let’s call him Peter) who has been courting me. He is courting another woman and me. What do you think? Should I give him a chance?
TEXT:
“I am trying my best to come out with an appropriate solution from a difficult situation I’m in. I’m stuck. I wish I could get out of this predicament without hurting anyone. My heart goes out to you. You know I feel so happy and complete when I am with you. Is there truly such a thing as forbidden love?
Let’s just see each other and enjoy each other’s company in the short time I’m here, ok?
Please have patience with me. I pray that our hopes and dreams will come to fruition. You never know.”
(END TEXT)
I am so confused. I want to give Peter a chance, but I feel what he is asking of me is unfair. Any advice would be welcome po.
— Ana
Dear Ana,
Let’s look at this from both your and Peter’s perspective.
From your comment, ”I want to give Peter a chance,” it seems reasonable to presume that you consider him a potentially worthy suitor, someone with whom you could have a proper relationship. However, this is a man who is simultaneously courting another woman which casts an entirely different light on matters. In his favor, he has been honest with you about the other woman but this does not expunge the fact that he has singularly failed to commit to an exclusive relationship.
And what sort of relationship with you is it that makes him “so complete and happy” when he is with you and yet the next day he is courting someone else? As for his not wanting to hurt anyone, does he really think that you are not already hurt knowing that he has someone else in his life?
As for you, it appears that you want a real commitment and will not settle for less. Persevering with this attitude will encourage him to decide between the two of you and clearly demonstrate that his “why buy the cow if you can get free milk” approach won’t work with you.
It will also doom to failure dishonest attempts on his part to absolve himself from the blame for the situation (e.g. references to forbidden love and prayer). If he really believes that he can resolve this situation without any pain and without committing to one or the other of you, then he probably isn’t the man for you and it’s good to know this before it’s too late.
All the best,
JAFBaer
Dear Ana:
Thank you very much for your letter. There are several reasons Peter’s text makes my skin crawl. I shall point out parts of his text and then state the reason why, okay?
- “My heart goes out to you” implies he is really feeling so bad for you, parang ikaw ‘yung kawawa (as if you are really the one suffering) yet you would only suffer if you do what he wants.
- “Let’s just see each other and enjoy each other’s company in the short time I’m here, ok?” sounds like he is asking you to be his mistress. I take it back. He is asking you to be a happy-go-lucky girl who is okay with seeing a man who has other commitments and may not stick around for the long haul — which is very ok if that is what YOU want. HOWEVER, his skin crawly statement #3 below implies he doesn’t really expect you to be nonchalant about your relationship because…after all…
- “(He prays) that our hopes and dreams will come to fruition.” This dream he mentions, is it that you end up together for good? And is he merely presuming you feel this way or did you tell him that being with him over the long haul is, indeed, what you want?
If the former, then what an arrogant SOB he is! If the latter, then…um…do you still feel this way about him?
- Finally, his last line: “You never know.” According to the Cambridge dictionary, this phrase means “ a possibility that something good might happen, even if it is slight.”
In other words, if you do as he asks and are just grateful for his company while he’s with you, and do not resent his being with another woman when he chooses to, then maybe, just maybe, you and he might end up together? After all, “you never know.”
Do you really want to wait around for a man like that, Ana?
I hope and pray not, but you, of course, are the bossing of your own life. However, if you are willing to settle for a man incapable of giving you a greater commitment than this, then, maybe give yourself some more time and space? Believe me, many men will fall in line once they find out you are willing to settle for only this much.
Wishing you the very best (especially in terms of discernment),
— MG Holmes
– Rappler.com