How to end a lifelong friendship with honesty?

Dear Ismael,

What to do with a lifelong friend whose personality is changing with age. Not health-related. She is becoming someone who is not pleasant to be around. I feel obligated to continue the friendship but am having difficulty coping with the sarcasm and general crabbiness she exudes. What has this person become right before my eyes?

— Tested Friend in 60490

Dear Tested Friend,

This situation of evaluating which friendships are worthwhile is a difficult but real challenge many of us are familiar with, or will one day have to face.

We like to reward friends who stick with us through our ugly and beautiful moments, and the "easiest" way to do that is by showing simple loyalty to who they are (or will unknowingly become). The "no matter what" part of relationships. But, as you may know, keeping up with those uncertainties can get exhausting.

When we go through various life changes (moving to another city, starting a family, getting divorced, etc.) and evidently grow into new versions of ourselves, we have to see how people fit into our ever-evolving lives and values — and how we fit into theirs. It sounds selfish, but life is short and I don't recommend giving our precious time to people who make us unhappy.

If you can't be open and honest with someone — especially after knowing them for most of your life — they're not much of a friend. On the upside, if they're not that close, it shouldn't be too difficult to let them go, or at least limit how much time you spend with them.

The courage to give and take honesty

I'm not jumping the gun and saying dump that friend as soon as you can. If they're a lifelong friend, I understand you wanting this to work out.

In that case, forget blind loyalty and prioritize constructive honesty. You owe it to your friend to be honest with how her personality is affecting your relationship due to the toll it's taking on you to tolerate it.

If she can't be mature with the truth, that should tell you how healthy this relationship is. We need friends for various reasons, and an important one is for them to hold a mirror back to us and let us know how our actions affect others.

I know that personally because I've been the annoying friend who needed an intervention.

One day, I sent a handful of friends a TikTok I found funny titled: "the friend who won't let you talk." It was a skit where a self-centered person keeps interjecting, not allowing the other friend to tell their own story. The video was mostly harmless, until I followed it with a sarcastic text that said, "This is you."

Months later, I had friends tell me they took the joke personally and it hurt their feelings.

I felt bad they went so long feeling that way without me clarifying and apologizing, but was glad they told me. I'm still reliably funny, but now try to be more careful with how I deliver jokes, and consider how other might take it.

This can apply to what you can tell your friend: "I'm not saying you can't be grumpy or vent when we hang out, but can we balance it off with other topics or keep the crabbiness to a minimum?"

Honesty is hard, but better than an unanswered why

Even if she doesn't like the answer and the friendship doesn't survive, she deserves to know why the breakup happened. You can't work on yourself and your relationship with others if a significant flaw is kept from you.

Her personality might be a result of different circumstances life threw at her while you weren't watching. But still.

I get being friendly with people going through a tough time, but having friends you can't tolerate?

Don't be friends with someone just to be nice. Life is tiring enough.

Write to Someone in Chicago at someoneinchicago@suntimes.com.