I'm the primary breadwinner in my home, but I hate my job. How do I get my partner to go along with me quitting?

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• For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
• This week, a reader wants to quit their job and isn't sure how to talk about the cost.
• Our columnist says they should put together a plan that makes a career change realistic.
• Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.

Dear For Love & Money,

I've been married for 11 years. We were young and just starting our careers when we got married and had kids, and I had no idea what I wanted out of life beyond being financially secure enough to take care of my family.

The decisions I made at the time were all based on that goal, and in fairness to myself, I achieved it. My partner and I both work full-time, but I am the primary breadwinner, and my income covers most of the bills.

The problem is, I hate my job. I'm miserable, and it's not just the job that is killing me; it's the entire career. I don't want to do any of it anymore, and there are so many other careers I know I would love and dream of exploring.

I have told my partner how I feel time and again, but I never feel heard, and no action is taken to fix what is becoming a debilitating issue. I assume that much of my partner's disinterest in even talking about it is due to money. I'm not even sure we could make it without my income, but I would like to discuss it at least and try to figure something out.

I'm hurt by my partner ignoring my suffering and can feel myself becoming resentful. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Burnt Out

Dear Burnt Out,

You've repeatedly told your partner how you feel, but it sounds like you haven't explicitly told them what you want them to do about it. Until you do, it's only natural that they brush off your suffering as ordinary midlife doldrums.

Few people want to blow up their lives because their spouse hates their job. This doesn't mean they are happy with your unhappiness, just that they, too, are at capacity and not interested in fixing something they aren't convinced is broken.

Eventually, you will need to spell it out for your spouse and ask them to support you while you pursue your new career, but that isn't where you should start. Instead, begin by making a real plan. Figure out what you want to do and the steps you must take to get into that field.

For instance, if you currently work an office job but want to become a carpenter, research what certifications you need to be competitive where you live, how much they will cost, and how many hours a week you will need to devote to the certification program.

Once you know what you want to do, figure out exactly what you need from your spouse to do it. Will you need them to cover 100% of the bills for a while? If so, how long? Will you need them to cosign a personal loan? Will your new schedule require them to handle more dinners or chauffeur the kids to all their extracurriculars on weeknights?

These questions may feel too detailed to answer before you've begun, but try to get as specific as possible. Asking your partner to commit to helping you quit your job sounds like you're experiencing a midlife crisis and expecting them to pick up the pieces — a terrifying and exhausting prospect. If you're instead pitching them a life upgrade that will only require a few well-defined sacrifices on their part, that's still scary but also exciting, doable, and worthwhile.

Notice I said, "a few well-defined sacrifices." Your spouse is obligated to support you; that's the whole deal of marriage. But that goes both ways. This will require an awareness on your part of how much you're asking and how much they already have on their plate.

I've been married long enough to know that you likely have an inner tally of reasons your partner owes you this. Maybe you worked them through college, let their parents live with you, or spent the last decade packing your spouse's lunch. No matter how strongly you deserve this or how right you may be, remember they have a tally of their own, and you're asking them to add another big ticket item.

Think of ways to minimize your career pivot's impact on your partner by looking for sacrifices you can make before asking it of them. For instance, while you're putting together your budget, cut your book club memberships or Fantasy Sports League buy-ins before you cut your spouse's favorite streaming channels. Or, if you want to cut back on your family's take-out, make sure you're doing the meal planning, grocery shopping, and cooking to make it possible.

Once you have a detailed strategy, bring it to your spouse. Be vulnerable about your burnout and your dreams for the future. Tell them your plan and outline how you'll minimize the stress this will put on them. Demonstrate to your spouse how much you've thought about this and, in turn, how important it is to you. Then, ask them for their support.

I'm confident they will tell you to go for it. If I'm wrong, and they say it's not the right time or the risk is too big, don't be coy about disagreeing. Resentful martyrdom can feel easier than facing something as big and intractable as a major disagreement in your marriage, but your happiness is worth fighting for and working to achieve.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.