I resent my mum’s choice to have me in her 40s, I was picked on & dressed as a frump, I had my kids as young as possible

WALKING through the school gates Rae Radford turned to give her mum a hug and joined the throng of other school children beginning their first day of secondary school.

“Hey what’s your granny doing dropping you at school?” sneer a trio of year seven girls.

It’s a comment that Rae was totally used to, even at the age of 12. It was not the first time she’d heard that comment and it wasn’t the last.

The reason is simple Rae, 62, is a late in life baby, born when her mum was  in her forties.

While the average age of first time mothers is getting older with the Office of National Statistics (ONS)  revealing most women wait until they are just over 30 or 30 years nine months to have their first child, Rae, now 62, is keen to urge the next generation not to wait to procreate.

“My mother was 40 when she had me,” she tells Fabulous.

 “We never properly bonded and I was constantly teased about my grandmother’s being my mum.

“Being raised by a late in life mum can have a devastating impact.”

 So scarred was Rae by her older parents, with her dad being 40, that she took steps to make sure her own children wouldn’t experience the same.

 “I had my children early in life, I was determined to not make the same mistake in my generation,” she says.

 “It was the best decision I ever made.”

 “My children are my friends; we share similar hobbies and we’re properly bonded.

 “Whereas later in life mums often do not have the energy to keep up to their children and cannot connect.

 “I have mourned the lack of a bond with my mother. I am urging other women to not make that mistake.”

 Social media marketer, Rae, lives in Broadstairs, Kent with her partner of six years, Shaun, 65 a builder and is mum to Tom, 38, and Greg, 36 and a proud grandmother of one.

 “I was 23 when my first child was born and 25 when my second son came along,” she says.

 “I was full of energy and as a stay-at-home mum I could always keep up with them whether that was physically or metaphorically.

 “As I was younger I was always there  to keep my finger on the pulse when it came to their interests”

 According to triple divorced Rae, she says her own childhood was a far cry from the one she gave her boys.

 “I loved my mum, Irene who sadly passed away at 89 but we never shared a proper mother and daughter bond,” she says.

 “I don’t think it was planned and while mum did her best we never connected in the same way.”

 Rae was born in July 1962 when her mum was 40. 

 “I had two brothers who were 12 and 10 at the time,” she says.

 “A year later mum started menopause and was working as a telephonist.

 “She never had the time for me. She was constantly knackered. Bless her.

 “Mum would constantly tell me ‘She wished I was 18’. 

 “That had a damaging effect on me, I know she didn’t mean anything by it but it really stayed with me.

 “I felt as though I had done something wrong.”

 Rae was just seven years old  when her father tragically died in a motorbike accident at just 46  and her mother was  the  age,

 “My mum was devastated, and she took on even more responsibility working full time as a telephonist to support the family” she says.

 As Rae hit her teens, she says that the relationship with her mum became even trickier.

 “I do not think mum properly thought through what having a daughter at 40 would mean,” she says.

 “She did not understand young women and their wild fashion trends.

 “When I went to her for fashion advice, she would suggest I wear a twinset and pearls like she did. 

 “We clashed because I wanted to be on trend and wear jeans. Mum was all about sensible tweeds, high collars and pearls. Our age gap was just too big, the decision to have me at 40 was in some ways.  flawed.

 “I don’t blame my mum nor am I criticising her, I am just being honest.”

I am concerned about the impact on children who have mums who are choosing to put off having children until their forties

Rae Radford

 However, despite Rae’s concerns, it seems that more and more mums are putting having children on hold until they are older.

 The Office of National Statistics (ONS) figures reveal the conception rate of women over forty having children has more than doubled since 1990.

 The study showed 29,000 women aged forty over conceived in 2017, compared to just 14,739 in 1997. Since then that number has continued to rise.

 However overall, the number of pregnancies is falling in England and Wales, but older women are the only age group that has seen an increase.

 Meanwhile an MTV survey for Teen Mum UK discovered one in five mothers or 20% believe they had a baby “too late” in life.

 One in two mums or 50% of ‘late in life mums’ admit they struggled to keep up with their child due to their age.

 While 12% of older parents wished they became a mum earlier and were closer to their child’s age so they could do things like ‘go clubbing together’.

 Nearly a quarter or 23% of mums felt “very aware” of the difference in age.  

Rae admits she finds these stats very worrying.

 “I am concerned about the impact on children who have mums who are choosing to put off having children until their forties,” she says.

 “I know what it is like to be a child of a late in life mother. The age difference was huge. I searched for a connection with my mother all your lif only really discovering it when I was  in my mid teens.

Just because you can conceive in your forties and fifties doesn’t mean you should

Rae Radford

 Rae believes her decision to have her children in her twenties has led to them being better adjusted, more bonded and feeling more loved and wanted.

 “I see celebrities like model Naomi Campbell and actress Bridgette Neilson who gave birth in their 50’s and actress Hilary Swank who had twins at 48, becoming first time mums in their late forties or fifties either by having children themselves or surrogacy,” she says.

 “People think in the present. They don’t imagine having a 14-year-old when you are 60. 

 “I am pleased women can choose when they have children but I think they need to really think about the impact their age has on their children.

 “I know first-hand what it is like to have a late in life mother.

“My advice is to have your children earlier in your 20’s or 30’s. Waiting until later does mean more risks and less options for you and your child.

“Just because you can conceive in your forties and fifties doesn’t mean you should.”