Asking Eric: It will be a large will. Can I leave out those who don’t call me uncle?

Dear Eric: My spouse recently died, leaving me with a substantial financial estate. Now I have to decide what to do with it.

We had no children (we were a male couple). My spouse had three younger brothers, two of them still living, and I feel closer to those two than to any of my own relations (I am an only child).

The youngest brother and I have been friends for years, and he has two children and two grandchildren, all of whom I am very fond of. I am seriously considering leaving a large part of my estate to that brother’s children and grandchildren. The oldest brother is childless.

The problem is the long-deceased third brother, with whom I was not close. I have never had a good relationship with his widow; I have a friendly but not close relationship with each of his three children.

The youngest brother’s children have always called me “Uncle” and communicate with me regularly. The children of the other brother never communicate with me. If they weren’t my spouse’s nieces, I would have no relationship with them at all.

I am concerned about possibly causing problems within my spouse’s family by favoring one brother’s family with substantial bequests and ignoring the other family.

I suspect that if my spouse had survived me, he would have split the bequests much more equally among all of his brothers’ children. However, it is my money now, and I don’t really want to give it to people toward whom I feel no actual warmth.

I also expect from experience that in my old age, I will be able to depend on the one brother and his family to willingly help me, regardless of whether they inherit anything from me or not.

Any suggestions of what to do when I meet with my lawyer to make the will?

– Uncle Dilemma

Dear Uncle: I’m sorry for the loss of your spouse. I’m glad that you have family to lean on. I’m also glad that you’re planning to talk to a professional who can look at the legal and financial specifics of your situation and advise you.

We can’t control what people do with bequests or how families react. So, if your nieces, with whom you aren’t close, feel some entitlement to an inheritance from you, that’s on them to deal with.

You’re deciding based on your emotional reality and the relationships that you have, which is absolutely fair. Ideally, bequests shouldn’t be seen as “repayment” for familial kindness, but they’re also not owed simply because you see each other at the holidays.

I’m curious about your suspicion that your spouse would have divided things more equally. That’s something that you should drill down on. Why would he have done that? Do you feel you owe it to him to honor that wish?

If so, it may help you to think of your will as a reflection of both of your values and split the difference. On the other hand, if he had strong feelings about the way the money was passed down, perhaps he could have talked it through with you or made a provision in his own will.

There’s no wrong way to do this, but when you talk to your lawyer, trust your gut and compose a will based on the relationships as they are now, knowing that if things change, you can adjust it.

Dear Eric: Several months ago, a friend’s boyfriend broke up with her. She is devastated over this as she loves him very much.

Even though he treated her very poorly by saying she is stupid and is an embarrassment, she still loves him.

She continues to speak to him, even helping him out. She calls me to tell of the latest hurtful situation he has done.

I have told her I wouldn’t tolerate being involved with a negative person like that, but she can’t bring herself to cut ties with him.

I’m frustrated with the continuing “woe is me” conversations. She doesn’t seem to be able to move on, which is very difficult for me to hear the same sob story over and over.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

– Frustrated Friend

Dear Friend: It’s OK to set a boundary here and stick to it.

Tell her something like: “I love you, I care about you and I can’t stand by while you get hurt. It’s not your fault; your ex-boyfriend is mistreating you. But when we talk about you continuing to engage with him, I get frustrated because nothing changes and you deserve better. So, I can’t talk about him with you anymore. Remember that I’m here to help you at any time, but rehashing the last bad thing he did doesn’t work for me.”

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.