Power play & selfishness – relationships may fail due to ‘birth order’ so should you date an oldest or youngest sibling?

HAVING a successful relationship that stands the test of time can be challenging – but could you and your partner’s birth order play a part?

Many people claim that whether they are the oldest sibling or the middle child, it has affected their personality.

So it follows that some people believe this could spill over into dating life too.

Some psychologists insist that couples may be more or less suited to one another depending on the order in which they were both.

Expert Kevin Leman wrote a book on how he believes birth order can influence a relationship, called The New Birth Order Book: Why You are the Way You are.

In it he references a study from the Journal of Marriage and Family that looked at the relationship quality of 236 couples and their birth orders.

Using this book and a number of other studies, we’ve compiled a guide to who you should really be dating based on your own siblings.

Of course, each relationship is different and it’s important to note there may be some exceptions to the rules…

If you are the eldest child…

Traits: Organised, in charge, ambitious, authoritative

Best match: Lastborn

Worst match: Another firstborn

If you are a firstborn child, you stand the best chance if you are paired with a lastborn.

This is according to a study conducted on 3,000 families by Walter Toman, a professor of Clinical Psychology at the University of Erlangen-Nuremberg in Germany.

Kevin’s book claimed this is down to an “opposites attract” relationship.

While the eldest born person likes to take the leads, the youngest born person keeps the relationship light-hearted and easy going.

Apparently this works best if you are a firstborn female and lastborn male.

A firstborn and a firstborn pairing can lead to a power struggle, as they both like to be in control.

Meanwhile, a firstborn can be left confused at a middleborn’s lack of ability to open up.

However, if your pairing isn’t optimal, this doesn’t mean it is destined to fail from the start.

Kevin advises that eldest children should learn to be patient and not criticise their partners and roles should be defined carefully to avoid a power struggle.

If you are a middle child…

Traits: Peacemaker, accommodating, eager to please

Best match: Lastborn

Worst match: Another middle child

Kevin found that middle children may struggle to communicate compared to first and lastborn children – which can make two of them a difficult pairing.

He found they tend to bottle up emotions and don’t confront others.

However, they can make for loyal partners who are good with compromising and keeping the peace in a relationship.

This works as long as they don’t put aside their own needs, which can lead to resentment.

Middle children tend to get on best with lastborn people who are often socially outgoing with good communication skills.

If you are a lastborn…

Traits: Sociable, fun, daring, care-free

Best match: Firstborn

Worst match: Another lastborn

Having two lastborn people in a couple can be chaotic, according to the research.

It was found that they can have a tendency to get into financial difficulties and struggle to both take responsibility for bills and chores.

Kevin advises you should avoid being defensive and hold each other accountable for getting things done.

Dr Caroline West further explained to Glamour: “Lastborn children may be adventurous and social as they grew up with older siblings and often tried to keep up with them. 

“This sense of risk taking and adventure can be fun in a relationship, but can cause issues when dealing with issues that arise. The initial honeymoon stage is fun and exciting, however lastborns may struggle as this phases passes and develops into calm emotional intimacy.”

If you are an only child…

Traits: Independent, ambitious, assertive

Best match: Firstborns or Lastborns

Worst match: Another only child

Growing up alone instils a confidence and independence that can serve you well in life but can be tricky if you date someone who is the same.

Dr Caroline West advised: “Whilst used to being on their own, only children may struggle with compromise or feelings of loneliness.

“In relationships, this might impact how arguments are solved, or how partners are supported. For a relationship to be successful, emotional maturity alongside empathetic and understanding approaches to resolving conflict is key. Create space where each partner feels that they are safe to be vulnerable and talk about their true feelings.”