The Ultimate Replacement
On Wednesday evening, I tried to watch The Ultimate Thrill directed by Robert Butler and starring Britt Ekland but my tape player ATE THE TAPE so after half an hour I had to watch the rest of it on YouTube. I realize that they didn’t have “straight to video” in 1974, or even video for the masses, but Jesus, this movie looks like it was made with two pennies rubbed into one. At least half of the dialogue is dubbed, as well as the sound effects; the photography is flat and uninteresting, which is almost impressive for a movie set at a ski resort starring BRITT EKLAND; the music is generic 1970s symphonic syrup but still gorgeous; the acting is extremely bad across the board.
Well, unless you can appreciate line deliveries like, “That was when I fell in the river—with your milk, incidentally,” and “Listen man, I never liked you, and I never have, you’re RUDE!” This man says this to the criminal mastermind of the piece, and within five minutes he’s skiing off of a cliff into the side of the mastermind’s helicopter. The mastermind lands the helicopter, goes over to the guy’s mangled but still living body, ties a rope to the helicopter and then ties the guy’s leg to it, and then he takes off and finishes the job in the air, using the trees. Pretty awesome way to kill someone in an action movie—and all for hitting on your wife (Britt Ekland) like a total dork.
What else is new in the zoo? Da Boss’ movie intake is still higher than usual, a necessary nirvana during every January to renew and refresh. The Ultimate Thrill isn’t a good movie, but even I know that as an editor and, I imagine, as a director, one can learn a lot more from a bad movie than a good or a great one; often, it’s clear as day what’s wrong with a bad movie from the minute it starts. At first you wonder why or how anyone involved could’ve let something like this happen, it’s so obvious what’s wrong, whatever it is—casting, locations, the script, the director, the cinematographer, and so on—until you actually make a movie yourself. I will say that although Da Boss rides me like Trigger in the editing bay, he’s right that there’s value in making more films and necessarily making some that are better than others, rather than attempting to make a masterpiece each time out.
Everyone is too hung up on their first big break, their statement, their cree duh core, you know. But it’s really not that complicated. First-time filmmakers should get it out of the way, their first film. You know, it’s really not such a big deal. Do it with someone you love and care about. That’ll matter more than the movie’s quality, at least to you and your development as an artist. “Monica, I have to tell you something.” Da Boss is interrupting me now, one second… yes… yes… umm… wait… when?… what?… WHO?!
Oh, okay, so, just because it’s THE NEW YEAR, I’m being REPLACED by another rooster! I’m not even a rooster, I’m a HEN! We’re not safe!! Ladies, we’re not safe!!
I recommend The Ultimate Thrill starring Britt Ekland.
—Follow Monica Quibbits on Twitter: @MonicaQuibbits