Southern Charm Recap: Must Hang With Salley

Guys, I think Salley fooled me. I was all ready to be on her side and ride hard against Gaston and (yawn) Taylor, but I think I fell for it. I think I wanted to dislike them so badly that I put my faith in someone who was totally untrustworthy. What do you expect from a woman with an extra e in her name, blonde hair IRL, and brown hair in confessionals?

But before we get to Salley’s house-drowning party, we must first talk about the big story lines that we care about. You know, the ones with the old-school players. The episode kicks off with the most anticlimactic summit in the history of Bravo. Craig goes to meet JT for cold brews (and a banana), and JT is like, “I didn’t call Miss Pat a bitch,” and then Craig is like, “Uh, yeah, but you did. Roll tape!” And then a million interns looked everywhere for the tape, they tried to splice it together from a bunch of disparate words that JT had said over time, to Frankenbite it, but not all the interns in all of the world could find one instance of JT saying the word bitch, so it didn’t work.

And I hate to talk like the guys on this show, but JT does come off like a, well, B-word for not standing up to Craig and saying something like, “Yes, I was upset at the moment. I apologized, but I promise you I never use that word.” Everyone around Miss Pat knows that Craig has a … how can we put this? … loose relationship with the facts. They might understand that JT didn’t use that exact word. The problem here is that everyone seems predisposed to not like JT, and I totally understand why. He seems like the annoying Kieran Culkin character in Home Alone all grown up, someone who you’re forced to share a bed with, knowing that in the middle of the night he’s going to wet it because he drank too much Pepsi Free.

The problem is this ignites a new chapter in the feud between Austen and Craig; when Madison and Rodrigo (dream blunt rotation, by the way) find out about this meeting, they call Austen and tell him about it, and Austen is like, “How could he do this to me?” First of all, JT called him for a meeting, so it’s not like it was Craig’s idea. Also, are they all forgetting that this is a reality-television program of which he is a cast member, so they are all going to be obligated to hang out with him at some point? The same thing is true when Austen finds out that Craig and Shep are going fishing with JT. This seems less about life stuff and more about show stuff, and at this point, I think Austen should know the difference.

From this fight, we get a very revelatory quote from Craig, who doesn’t understand why everyone is mad at him for hanging out with JT. He says, “I could never even imagine caring what one of my friends is doing.” Yes! That’s exactly the problem that everyone has with him right now. He’s so up his own bleached asshole that he’s not thinking about a single other person, people he considers his friends. Maybe if he cared what his friends were doing and why he wasn’t being invited, he would have better relationships with them.

This episode seems to insinuate something that I’m not sure what to do with, especially considering recent events. It seems like the show is trying to paint our delightful Paige DeSorbo as Yoko Ono trying to break up the group. Craig calls to ask her opinion about him and Austen, and she says (I’m Frankenbiting), “You should dissolve the whole thing. What are you holding onto? Would you still be friends if you didn’t have this contractual obligation? You should start a podcast on your own called Craig and Friends. You never stop talking.”

I think this is terrible advice. The podcast is the only thing keeping these two together, and I think that’s a good thing, because Craig doesn’t know how bad it’s about to get when he breaks up with his girlfriend and he needs friends again. Also, Craig needs someone to keep him honest, and I think Austen does that. Not Shep. He’ll always think that Craig is the fuck-up he first met and will try to take him back down to that level every chance he gets. But Austen seems to really understand him and, based on what we’ve seen this season so far, has done a little bit of maturing from the fuckboy that got caught in a threesome by Madison. If Craig wasn’t stuck believing in this old version of Austen, maybe he could find more common ground.

When Craig and Austen sit down to talk about this at Salley’s party, I hate Craig’s tone. “How much would I have to give you to sign papers saying Craig owns Pillows and Beer right now?” he asks as if he’s Business Bro Ken and his only function is business, bro. Craig is looking at this as a business venture, and while it is work, it is the last remaining shred of their friendship that is functioning, and if Austen signs this away, Craig will lose a friend forever. In the moment, Whitney tells them that their problems aren’t insurmountable, and he’s right, but Craig is in the way of deciding that the friendship is over (possibly because his girlfriend told him it was) when he needs it a lot more than he realizes.

Deep sigh. Okay, now we have to talk about Salley’s housewarming party, where Venita got wasted, jumped in the pool, and almost drowned before Craig saved her and ruined the suede shoes that Paige definitely picked out for him. I have a feeling that is going to be the only thing of interest that Venita does this entire season until she pretends that she might be interested in dating JT. Salley invited everyone to the party, including Molly, who barely attended because she was at band rehearsal playing her mini tuba. (I love every single thing about Molly, but still find her superfluous to the show.) That includes Taylor, her semi-nemesis, who shows up in a brown leather bodysuit and wide-leg white pants, and it’s the best she has ever looked. I bet Paige picked those out too.

Salley was playing it really hard at the party, pushing her story line and introducing Shep to her boyfriend, Andrew, a wildlife habitat for the last remaining man bun in America, and saying that they’ve crossed paths before. Get it! Because they both slept with her and Taylor. Yuk-yuk! (Yuck! Yuck!)

Near the end of the party, Taylor asks for a chat, and that is when my whole mood about Salley changes. The moment was small, but it was very telling. Salley mentions the phone call she got from Gaston that she told everyone about last episode at Craig’s house. Taylor says, “But you called him.”

Salley then replies, get this, “We had a phone conversation.” Not, “No I didn’t. He called me.” She says, “We had a phone conversation.” Salley is basically saying, “It doesn’t matter who called who, we talked,” and she is also saying, “You’re right, I called him.” She basically admitted to it. “We had a phone conversation,” is Salley trying to obfuscate the facts because she got caught out and, damn it, Taylor was right about her all along. Ugh. Don’t make me like Taylor, sad, boring, insignificant Taylor. Don’t make me defend her from Salley, a two-time reality vet who is seizing her last possible moment and trying to make something of it.

We had so much hope for Salley, someone exciting and dynamic enough to sport two hair colors in one season. Taylor would never. She’s still living in a house with jellyfish art on the walls. (But then again, so is Austen.) Now we’re left with Salley, the victim, who at least has a hot boyfriend (in need of a haircut) and enough villainy in her to make the peripheral story lines at least a little interesting. Okay, we don’t hate Salley, but it always stings a little to be fooled.