Macy the Toad’s strop was ribbiting TV but it’s Masked Singer’s weirdly dysfunctional judges that are show’s best bit
AS The Masked Singer demonstrated so perfectly this week, hell hath no fury like a Toad In The Hole scorned.
Or, more precisely, like a Macy Gray scorned.
So livid was the American singer, in fact, after losing Saturday night’s tie-breaking vote to Bear, that she waddled off stage as soon as the announcement was made and it took more than an hour of frantic pleading and negotiations before they could coax the old dingbat back for the big reveal.
A moment for viewers to treasure as celebrity walkouts are a vanishingly rare treat in our saccharine-sweet, PR- controlled telly world, occurring at a rate of no more than once every five years, at best.
The Bee Gees set the gold standard, of course, on a 1997 episode of the Clive Anderson show, but there hasn’t been one as good as Macy’s since Piers Morgan exited Good Morning Britain, chins first, after a row with Alex the weatherman, back in March 2021.
Less is more
Whereas Piers’ hissy fit signalled the beginning of the end of Good Morning Britain as must-see television, Macy’s strop was so gloriously demeaning and unexpected I started to think it might just lead to a revival in fortunes for The Masked Singer, which ended its second series, in February 2021, with more than 10million viewers watching Joss Stone win the title as “Sausage”.
A smarter network than ITV would’ve had the good sense to leave this phenomenon well alone.
But the fools in charge here, who don’t understand the basic economics of supply and demand or even the concept of less is more, couldn’t help but interfere and turned a genuine event into just another money-hoovering process by introducing The Masked Dancer spin-off and I’m A Celeb “specials”.
With the result? At the start of the current run, there were just four million viewers trying to guess the identity of Toad In The Hole, Wolf, Teeth, Kingfisher (Harry Hill?) and the gang, via a series of clues that even Bletchley Park in its WWII heyday would’ve struggled to unscramble.
That may be the biggest reason, in fact, why my personal intrigue has switched from the acts to the panel of judges.
A weirdly dysfunctional group, this lot, who, with one honourable exception, are so hopelessly lost without a script and an autocue, you’d struggle to believe three of them had even watched television, let alone worked in it for decades.
Maya Jama has something of an excuse, of course, even if she couldn’t ad-lib a fit of the hiccups, as she is a relative newcomer to the show and the medium.
Mo Gilligan, however, is a comedian without a funny thought in his head who only ever makes me laugh when, in all apparent sincerity, he’s looking Wolf up and down saying: “It could be Bono from U2 in there.”
It really couldn’t, Mo.
Though in terms of odd performances, he’s got nothing on Davina McCall, a woman possessed who appears to be frantically compiling algorithms, probability charts and figures from the Office for National Statistics during the performances and then turns to host Joel Dommett and says: “I think Toad In The Hole could be Courtney Love.”
Thank God then for Jonathan Ross, the only panellist who can think on his feet and is having to cover for all of them.
When they’re stupid, he has to be serious and guess correctly.
When they’re serious, he has to be funny and crack a joke at his own expense.
It was no real surprise then when it was left to Jonathan to try to dig them all out of a crater when Toad In The Hole finally reappeared for unveiling, on Saturday and revealed a woman so angry I thought for one minute it was George Foreman in that outfit and Joel was about to get a grilling machine shoved up his ar*e.
Nor did things improve during her interview.
“We are thrilled to have you here doing the show.”
“Thanks.”
“You were incredible, Macy.”
“Thanks.”
And on and on it went, until Jonathan tried to defuse the atmosphere by poking fun at the host and I started thinking that maybe Macy will be able to salvage her career and The Masked Singer will rise again to 10million viewers.
Then Joel hit her with his final question. “Macy, have you enjoyed the show?”
No, Joel, she has not. But at least she’s still got her dignity.
UNDERSTATEMENT of the year?
Crime+Investigation, a friend of The Eunuch Maker, who was given a life prison sentence for mutilating men in the most grotesque manner imaginable: “I would say he probably lacked some social skills.”
Yeah. I would too.
UNEXPECTED MORONS IN THE BAGGING AREA
LIMITLESS Win, Dec: “In current UK money, a £2 coin is worth how many pence?”
Khajal: “60.”
The Chase: Celebrity Special, Bradley Walsh: “Cathay is the in-flight magazine of what Hong Kong airline?”
Harry Judd: “Singapore Airlines.”
The Weakest Link, Romesh Ranganathan: “According to a popular saying, people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw what? Parties or stones?”
Janette Manrara: “Sticks.”
The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “In a novel by Alexandre Dumas, how are Athos, Porthos and Aramis better known?”
Jane: “Bill and Ben.”
RANDOM TV IRRITATIONS
M&S Food advertising its beetroot brain balls during Crime+Investigation HD’s documentary The Eunuch Maker.
BBC News propagandist Justin Rowlatt blaming absolutely everything on climate change.
BBC1 allowing the Eve Mansour character and its desperation for a “strong female” presence to destroy the credibility of SAS Rogue Heroes.
And C4’s health and safety obsessives telling Celebrity Hunted viewers, “Do not recreate anything portrayed in this episode”, thereby forcing me to abandon all the plans I had to chase Denise Welch and her husband Lincoln Townley round a Norfolk cornfield in a helicopter.
ALL THE SINGLE LADDIES
A MERE 24 weeks after the last marathon ended, up popped host Maya Jama this week, to tell ITV2 viewers: “The wait is finally over.
“It’s time for Love Island: All Stars.”
A flattering description for a fairly desperate collection of retreads, life failures and others that are simply too old for this caper, like Scott, 36, who’s “been on a journey of sobriety and personal development”, but cannot kick his addiction to clapped-out dating shows, and 39-year-old Marcel, who should be scrolling through SilverSingles for a companion to enjoy “whatever time he’s got left”.
The really daft thing about the class of 2025: Part One, though, is that if they haven’t already had each other they’re certainly overfamiliar with everyone else from the Love Island celebrity circuit, which seems to keep the franchise going during those few months of the year when it’s not actually on air.
The egos on them all are quite something to behold as well and generally begin with the Islanders trying to explain their mega-fame with a “best known” sentence.
As in, Kaz: “I’m best known for stealing Josh from Georgia in Casa Amor,” or Curtis: “I’m best known for making everyone coffee in the morning.”
If they’re “best known” for anything, however, it’s behaving like conceited jerks.
The absolute master of this dark art being an unemployed fishmonger called Luca Bish, who took one look at his own reflection, on Monday night, and sighed: “I don’t know who that is, but he is one sexy fella.”
With the crushing irony here being, I was in word-for-word agreement, right up until the “one sexy fella” part.
IF, like Crime+ Investigation presenter Marcel Theroux, you were wondering halfway through this two-part bloodbath: “Who is the real Eunuch Maker?”
I think it’s the casting director of EastEnders.
LOOKALIKE OF THE WEEK
THIS week’s winner is Linda from The Traitors and Coronation Street legend Reg Holdsworth.
Emailed in by Bailey James.
Lookalike of the week wins a copy of A Funny Way Of Life, Matt Bendoris’s definitive biography of The Krankies.
GREAT SPORTING INSIGHTS
PAUL MERSON: “The kid is 27. He’s not a kid.”
Gareth Ainsworth: “The defender doesn’t look over his shoulder even once – Not once. Maybe once there.”
And Michael Dawson: “You can’t win football matches unless you win.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
TV GOLD
THE eagerly awaited return of C5’s so-bad-it’s-intoxicating drama The Good Ship Murder, with Shayne Ward.
The Harry Hill/Stacey Solomon combination creating a strong contender for the best ever episode of BBC1’s wonderful Would I Lie To You?.
Julie Nicholson’s beautiful story about the London black cab driver, which may help restore your faith in humanity, during episode three of 7/7: The London Bombings, on BBC2.
And a brilliant return to form from C4’s 24 Hours In Police Custody: The Norfolk Narco Cartel, which couldn’t quite nail the Mr Big figure who’s been flooding the East Anglian county with Colombian cocaine, but I’m guessing it isn’t Pablo Escobaaaarrr.
CELEBRITY Hunted update: Denise Welch and Lincoln Townley have just come out of “hiding” live on ITV’s Loose Women, which was witnessed by many thousands of people.
David Whitely unsuccessfully tried to “hide” at The London Podcast Show, which was also witnessed by many thousands of people.
Duncan James and Christine McGuinness are planning to “hide” at Worcestershire’s Mello festival, which will be witnessed by many thousands of people.
And newsreader Simon McCoy is on his way to “hide” on The Vanessa Feltz Show, which seems like a smart move.
GREAT TV LIES AND DELUSIONS OF THE MONTH
Love Island: All Stars, Catherine: “The set is beautiful, but I make it more beautiful because I’m a star.”
Celebrity Mastermind, Sindhu Vee: “Comedian.”
And This Morning, “aura reader” Fiongal Greenlaw Meek: “An aura, from a scientific perspective, is . . .”
Let me stop you there, Fiongal.
Bulls**t.