Dear Abby: I want to deal with my anger better than my dad did
DEAR ABBY: I have anger issues that were passed down among the men in my family. My mother is a strong woman and wouldn't let my father get away with too much, but still, the impact is there. As a young adult, I realize I am exhibiting some of the same behavior as my dad.
I've never raised a hand to anyone. I can hang onto my cool when arguing with my girlfriend. I usually ask her calmly to lower her voice and change her tone. When she gets animated, I feel bottled up. I would never forgive myself if I did something I regret. I want to raise children and be a devoted father and husband. I envision myself as a strong, dependable person within my family and friend circle. Please give me some tips on keeping angry outbursts in check. Thank you. — JOSEPH IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR JOSEPH: You are an intelligent and insightful young man, and for that I congratulate you. You didn't mention what causes the arguments with your girlfriend. Recognizing the cause of the flare-ups can prevent them from erupting. Saying, "We both feel strongly about this. Can we discuss it another time?" and going for a walk can help regain a calmer perspective.
Your father's outbursts are another matter. He could be someone who takes out his frustrations on innocent people around him. While anger is something everyone experiences at one time or another, most people learn to control it during childhood. Clearly your father didn't. The excuse that it "runs in the family" is unacceptable. Threats of violence are intimidating. Acting on them is against the law.
My booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It" contains suggestions for managing and constructively channeling anger in various situations. It can be ordered by sending your name and address, plus a check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mt. Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.
We are living in a time when the level of anger in our society has reached new heights. As we have seen all too often in the media, explosive anger is the most dangerous of all. I have mentioned before that perhaps dispute resolution and anger management should be taught in schools to help people more effectively communicate in a healthy manner.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my wife for 10 years. She is the first and only woman I have ever been with. I continue finding myself looking at porn, talking online to other women and asking them for pictures. I don't know why I do this, and I don't want to continue down this road. What would be a first step to take to show my wife I'm serious about kicking this big problem to the curb? — SEES A PROBLEM IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR 'SEES': A strong step in the right direction would be to tell your wife you recognize your online activities have gotten out of control and start talking about them with a licensed psychotherapist. There are also 12-step groups you can find online to help you kick the habit. I congratulate you for having taken the first step by writing to me.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.