11 Pieces Of Love Advice From The 2009 Hit ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’

Before He’s Just Not That Into You was a corny movie with star-studded actors and actresses, it was a corny book that I am apparently unashamed to tell the world I own.

No matter how much this book can be critiqued—and it can and has been, mercilessly—I still think some of it is just flat-out honest reality. And yes, maybe that reality is subjective, culturally and generationally specific, and all the rest. But still, I thought I’d review the given advice…

1. “He’s just not that into you if he’s not asking you out.”

Like many other women, I was told this from the jump, and it’s hard to get away from. As I always tell my male American friends, they are the luckiest men in the world because, as much as they complain, many American women (compared to women in other places) ask guys out. In theory, I believe this advice is pretty childish. Does it really matter who asks whom out? (And based on gender of all things?!) But the answer in practice… it depends. I often cop out of asking guys out by saying, “The kind of guy who I would be interested in is the kind of guy who would ask me out.” But let’s be real, not only is that unprovable, it’s a pretty lame excuse. The way I see it, no guy on earth who is interested in you would be mad if you asked him out. I could be wrong, though—guys are weird.

2. “He’s just not that into you if he’s not calling you.”

In a generation that somehow became really afraid of picking up the phone and calling people, I can see how some might think this isn’t telling of anything. But it is. And it’s not just calling that’s up for consideration, but the overused communication method we call “texting.” The reality is, when you like someone and you have their number, you find any excuse to talk to them. If you’re always the one calling, texting, and reaching out first, and it’s not reciprocated, don’t wait until it gets pathetic. Stop calling, stop texting, and soon enough you’ll have your answer.

3. “He’s just not that into you if he’s not dating you.”

Sometimes I really despise being part of a culture that is losing the ability to date—and face it, we are. But it’s really hard to tell if someone is into you when the entire cultural approach to dating has flipped on its head. Maybe the guy who texts you late on Friday night while clearly under liquid courage does so because he doesn’t know any better (but is really into you). Or maybe it’s just a booty call. One thing is for sure: in this day and age, anyone who says they want to go on an actual, real-life date with you is definitely into you.

4. “He’s just not that into you if he’s not having sex with you.”

This is where I have to put on my practicing Catholic hat and say, “This is definitely not always true.” People have religious, moral, and other reasons for which they don’t want to have sex (at least not yet). Moreover, attitudes toward sex differ greatly, and like it or not, people’s views on sex can be deal-breakers. In my observation, though, sometimes it’s the people who want to wait who are actually really into you. So again, this advice depends heavily on the values and perspectives of those involved.

5. “He’s just not that into you if he’s having sex with someone else.”

I would love to give a simple black-and-white “absolutely” to this one. But unfortunately, life isn’t so black and white. Cheating is disgusting. It’s a betrayal, it’s disrespectful, it’s cruel, and it’s often the reason people lose those who deeply care for them. But it’s also complicated. People cheat for different reasons, but in that moment, they choose to ignore their partner’s feelings. As much as I’d love to say cheating proves someone isn’t into you, it doesn’t always. It does, however, suggest the person might not be worth your time—that’s for you to figure out.

6. “He’s just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he’s drunk.”

If the dude texts you vigorously every Friday night but only on Friday night, yeah, he’s definitely not into you. Take your heels and run, lest you become the booty call.

7. “He’s just not that into you if he doesn’t want to marry you.”

This one is tough. Some people genuinely don’t ever want to marry anyone, while others aren’t sure about marrying the person they’re with. We all know someone who dated someone forever and then broke up, only to marry someone else within months. While the book insists love cures commitment-phobia, I think it’s more about shared values. Maybe someone is really into you but doesn’t believe in marriage. Then it’s a question of whether you’re okay with that. But don’t believe you can change someone because you’re dating them. Most of the time, you can’t. For me, this would be my cue to bid the dude bon voyage.

8. “He’s just not that into you if he’s breaking up with you.”

Breakups aren’t fun. What’s even less fun is seeing someone not accept that they’ve been broken up with. There’s no way around this one (apart from getting back together, I suppose). If he’s said he doesn’t want to be with you anymore, he’s just not that into you. It might be you, it might be him, or it might be both of you. Either way, let it go.

9. “He’s just not that into you if he’s disappeared on you.”

Duh. Save your dignity and never talk about him again. Ever.

10. “He’s just not that into you if he’s married (or otherwise unavailable).”

I could rant about why you should never be interested in someone who is married (or similarly unavailable). But life isn’t always black and white. Still, sometimes you have to put your principles ahead of your feelings. Stop wondering if he’s into you and get out. Fast.

11. “He’s just not that into you if he’s a selfish jerk, a bully, or a really big freak.”

This should be obvious, but I constantly hear ridiculous dating stories that leave me speechless. Anyone who makes you feel less than—when they should make you feel greater—shouldn’t even be considered. Issues aside, here’s what my mother drilled into my head: what you deserve is more important than what you want. If he’s a selfish jerk, bully, or freak, he’s not just not into you—he’s terrible. Stay away.