“Pete Hegseth, President-elect Donald Trump’s pick to lead the Defense Department, faced senators at his confirmation hearing on Tuesday, where he fielded tough questions from Democrats over his views on women in the military and an allegation of sexual assault.” — CBS News, 1/14/25

As a conservative, I believe Hegseth is the perfect person to address the most pressing issues in the military, because they’re all issues he’s been accused of perpetrating himself.

For years, sexual assault has been a problem in the military. So, who better to address sexual assault than someone who has been accused of sexually assaulting women? When it comes time to brainstorm policies to put in place to prevent sexual violence, Hegseth just has to think, “What would I do in this situation?” and then establish rules that would prevent people like him from doing what he would’ve done.

Hegseth said during his testimony that allowing women to serve in combat roles should not come at the expense of “lethality,” implying that women are, generally speaking, less effective in combat than men. While former defense secretaries have insisted that women are vital to the military, Hegseth understands that discouraging women from enlisting is a worthy tradeoff. After all, women in the military cannot be sexually assaulted if they never join. That’s a more sensible strategy than putting in place policies that would hold predators accountable.

In addition to handling sexual assault, Hegseth will also be adept at solving substance issues in the military, because it’s something he, too, struggles with. Rather than seek professional counseling to get help with his problem, Hegseth has instead promised to stop drinking if confirmed—which is exactly what someone who struggles with alcohol would say. That’s why I’m confident he’ll put a stop to excessive drinking on America’s military bases. He’ll know exactly where his subordinates have hidden all the bottles.

To top it all off, Hegseth has financially mismanaged two nonprofits related to veterans affairs. Given that the Department of Defense has a long history of wasting taxpayer dollars—everything from $2 trillion fighter jets to $1,200 coffee mugs—Hegseth’s incompetence with money is yet another feather in his cap. He’s only ever managed around a hundred people before. Imagine how much money he’ll be able to misappropriate when in charge of over three million.

Throughout his testimony, Hegseth denied many of the allegations against him but also admitted to making mistakes, insisting that he’s “redeemed by [his] lord and savior Jesus Christ.” This is the perfect answer, because if there’s one thing Democrats and Republicans agree on, it’s that when you think of Pete Hegseth as secretary of defense, the first thing you think is “Jesus Christ.”

Some have expressed concerns about Hegseth by pointing out that his own mother once called him a “threat to women.” But one can’t help but wonder if, as a woman, Hegseth’s mother might be biased against him. As for whether credible allegations of sexual assault could hurt his nomination chances, I believe the answer is no. As a Republican, they can only work in his favor. The allegations are the perfect distraction from the other so-called disqualifying factors, like his alcoholism, his financial malfeasance, his ties to Christian nationalism, or the fact that he has repeatedly called for a holy war. All minor quirks that would’ve been blown out of proportion if he weren’t already an alleged rapist.

Thankfully, the sexual assault allegations will give Republicans the cover they need to paint opposition to Hegseth’s nomination as a culture war issue. Any focus on his being unfit for the position will go out the window, and those senators currently tut-tutting will fall in line. As we saw with Brett Kavanaugh’s Supreme Court confirmation, it’ll only be a matter of time before Susan Collins caves. And if Susan Collins is good at one thing, it’s being the senator who eventually caves.

If anything, Donald Trump should be putting forward more candidates with credible allegations of sexual assault against them. It’s proven time and time again to be the most reliable way to get a Republican man into a position of power, and there’s no better evidence of this than Donald Trump himself.

After Hegseth is confirmed, I look forward to seeing all of the defense-spending boondoggles he’ll get his department roped into as he shambles about Washington. And once the military crusades against civilians start, I’ll rest easy knowing women will be protected.