I regret having a child at 48 – my daughter asks about me dying & everyone always asks me same humiliating question
EXHAUSTEDLY slumped on a park bench, Rachel Rigby looks enviously at the younger mums playing with their kids.
At 53, running around after five-year-old daughter Anna isn’t an option, especially as she is recovering from knee surgery.
Having put motherhood on hold to pursue a career in the media, Rachel waited until she was 48 to have a child via IVF.
It is a decision that is becoming ever more popular, too.
The rate of births for women over 45 is the highest it has been since records began.
But it’s a decision Rachel regrets.
“I love Anna more than anything, but older motherhood has its downsides,” says the single mum from East London.
“I wish I’d had her sooner. I want to be the energetic, fun mum she deserves — and I wish I had more time with her.”
Last week TV comic Sara Pascoe, 43, told how she is glad she waited until she was over 40 before having kids.
In contrast, Rachel says being an older mum has several drawbacks.
“My health is deteriorating and I’m exhausted all the time,” she says.
“I can’t keep up with Anna’s energy and I am worried about the future.
“Previously, I thought a career and stability were key, but it’s actually about being healthy and having the energy to be there for your kids.”
Rachel, who grew up in Scotland, always wanted children, but after landing a high-pressure job with a US financial publication, she focused on her career.
Mistaken for gran
After her husband decided he didn’t want kids, Rachel divorced and, aged 46, paid £6,700 to start private IVF treatment in Prague, using donor sperm from a friend.
“I didn’t think about my age,” she says.
“I carried the baby without any problems, but two or three years later I realised becoming an older mum had a big impact on my life.
“You’re not prepared for the toll IVF takes on your body, and now Anna is five, my health has deteriorated.”
In 2024, Rachel was diagnosed with arthritis, torn cartilage in her knee, and even a cataract for good measure.
She says: “Money I should be spending on my daughter, and which I had put aside for retirement, I actually need to treat my ailments.
“I’m ageing badly and I believe my health has been compounded by having Anna later in life.”
But it’s not just physical issues causing problems. There is also the humiliation of being mistaken for Anna’s grandmother.
She’s often told, “Your gran has come to pick you up”, says Rachel.
“While it’s embarrassing to me, it can be hurtful to her. She corrects them and says, ‘No, that’s my mum’.”
More of a worry are little Anna’s fears that her mum might not be around for very long.
“She has a thing about me dying,” Rachel reveals.
“She always says, ‘Mum, I never want you to die’. I don’t know if this is common for children to say. I hope I didn’t fuel that thought with something I said?”
With Rachel’s parents and Anna’s biological father all living overseas, Rachel says she lacks support and is under greater financial pressure.
The older you get, the harder it becomes to keep up with a young child
Rachel Rigby
She says: “It sounds brutal, but if I’d had Anna earlier, I probably could have retired in my late fifties. Now, I’ll be lucky if I can stop working at 75.
“Luckily, I have already bought my own home.”
Rachel is now urging other women to reconsider leaving motherhood until they are older.
She warns: “It’s great that technology can make babies happen for women in later life, but there are many reasons why women maybe shouldn’t wait so long.
“The older you get, the harder it becomes to keep up with a young child.
“You just don’t realise how much your body changes. I thought I could handle it, but I’m dealing with issues I never expected.”
Becoming an older mum has also impacted Rachel’s love life.
“I just don’t have the energy for it,” she says. “Men don’t understand that I can’t just drop everything to go on dates.
“It’s also too much to juggle and I want to focus on my daughter.”
More of a worry is Rachel’s concern that she might not be around to see Anna’s milestones, such as getting married and having children.
“When I’m 78, she will only be 30,” she says.
“That thought can keep me up at night.
“I feel like I’m racing against time, always thinking, ‘What if I’m not here when she’s older?’. So I want to give her as many happy moments as possible now, while I still can.”
With that in mind, Rachel has started a blog (see globetrottingmoms.com), where she shares her and Anna’s travel adventures, as well as tips for other parents.
“I know I won’t be around for ever, so I want my daughter to look back and see all the beautiful places we’ve been together, like Patagonia and Sardinia,” says Rachel.
She and Anna have also travelled to Malta, Madeira, Spain, Greece, Portugal and the Azores, all journeys which are documented on her blog.
Rachel, who has also written a novel, Under And Over, says: “I don’t regret having Anna. I adore her so much and can’t imagine my life without her.
“I just wish we could have more time together on this earth.”
- Some names have been changed
‘Yes, it’s a tough option – but there are positives, too’
SENIOR fertility nurse Marija Skujina is the founder of clinic Plan Your Baby.
She says: Becoming a mother later in life can present unique challenges for a woman’s physical and mental health.
As women age, their bodies undergo natural changes that can make pregnancy, childbirth and the early years of parenting more physically demanding.
Additionally, women who have children later in life may experience menopausal symptoms during the same period they are raising young children.
Hormonal changes associated with menopause can lead to mood swings, fatigue and difficulty sleeping, all of which can add to the challenges of parenting.
That said, many older mothers bring life experience, emotional maturity, and financial stability to parenting, which can contribute to a positive family environment.