I Regret to Inform You That Sandoval Steals Every Scene in The Traitors
Spoilers follow for the first three episodes of The Traitors season three, which premiered on Peacock January 9.
The Traitors is as much a show about strategy as it is about vibes — the energy a competitor gives off, the baggage they bring into Alan Cumming’s Scottish castle, the reputation of the reality shows they previously appeared on. Tom Sandoval’s vibes? Suddenly, they’re entertaining! On Vanderpump Rules, this man was smug, pathetic, punchable. On The Traitors, he’s so far out of his depth I can’t stop laughing at him. The way to redeem Sandoval wasn’t through a true-love story with Rachel Leviss. It was by surrounding him with his reality-TV peers barely disguising their glee at him fumbling this game over and over.
In the first three episodes of season three, multiple strategy patterns have emerged. Some players are keeping quiet and observing more than reacting, like Britney Spears’s ex Sam Asghari. Some are playing both sides, like The Challenge’s Wes Bergmann, who tells former Real Housewife of Potomac Robyn Dixon that he agrees with her distrust in Survivor winner Tony Vlachos, then reassures Tony minutes later that he’d never vote him out. There are the competitors who actually seem to be here to make friends, like Selling Sunset’s Chrishell Stause, former professional wrestler Nikki Garcia, and ex-Bachelorette Gabby Windey, who form a clique and call themselves “the Bambis.” Then there’s Dylan Efron, the type who immediately (correctly) identifies a Traitor but must convince doubting players. Dylan in particular seems plagued by the same curse as actor brother Zac — he’s a good player, dammit, but no one is taking him seriously because he’s just too hot!
Tom’s strategy is based on a mixture of treacly ingratiation and misguided assumption, which … yeah, that’s Sandoval for you. He’s desperately trying to make friends, he’s working up a sweat during the physical challenges (perhaps to make us forget that time JoJo Siwa carried him around on Special Forces: World’s Toughest Test), he’s spouting off baseless theories at the Round Table. None of these are necessarily atypical tactics. Sandoval’s first maneuver — sniff out the Traitors immediately after Cumming secretly selects them by assessing irregularities in the other players’ behavior — is how many past competitors approached the game. The problem with these strategies for Sandoval is that this man possesses neither the self-awareness nor the people skills necessary to pull them off. Rather than a potential winner in the making, he seems more like someone the Traitors will keep around as a useful rube — and, perhaps, some very entertaining TV. Here, 20 Sandoval highlights from Traitors season three.
1. Showing up at the castle wearing sunglasses, that famed lightning-bolt earring, and a kilt. Tom, it’s Scotland, and overcast as hell. From what weather phenomena are you shielding your eyes?
2. During the introduction phase of the premiere, future Bambis Nikki and Gabby establish a rapport by uniting against Sandoval. I laughed.
3. Sandoval looks at the Traitors cast portraits and mutters that he looks “like an inmate.” Well, buddy, you are kind of in an infamy prison of your own making.
4. In less than 12 seconds, Alan considered Sandoval’s desperate desire to be a Faithful, sniffed at his plaid kilt, and called him out for his infidelity. Incredible.
5. At the first Round Table, Sandoval:
• Rips off his blindfold
• Leans forward
• Scans everyone else’s faces like he’s the Terminator
Shout out to Chrishell for aptly describing him as “turning on murder mystery” and “giving me the Spock eyebrow with the spotlight.”
6. Sandoval’s scrutiny is that much funnier because, of course, he immediately tells Carolyn and Danielle that he knows both of them are Faithfuls, when … you know … they’re not. Whoever on the editing team added in that little musical stinger to punctuate Carolyn and Danielle’s surprise at how thoroughly off the mark Sandoval is, thank you.
7. You know what, rowing is hard. Your forearms probably would hurt a lot if you didn’t know how to move the oars on a boat while surrounded by many other people who also don’t know how to move the oars on a boat. But man, does Sandoval milk that pain in this talking-head interview. You guys didn’t even row to get that extra $20,000!
8. Look at Tom’s little jig at gaining a protective shield after that first challenge. Who does this guy think he is, a hobbit?
9. Only sharing this one because you know it hurts Tom to be seen without all that hair product.
10. Because as soon as he could, he got back to the castle and slathered that pompadour back to eat a chicken skewer in the most unsettling way possible. Why so much eye contact, Tom???
11. I almost wish former RHONY cast member Dorinda Medley had stuck around; look at how much she unnerved Sandoval with her criticism that the other competitors sort of sucked, actually, for eating so much dinner and leaving so little for the players who sacrificed themselves during the first challenge and were left out on the water.
12. How clueless Tom is about who the Traitors actually are, Part 1: At the beginning of the second episode, “Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold,” this man is literally sitting behind the three Traitors — two of whom are weeping — as they pretend to mourn the murdered Dorinda. Tom has absolutely no idea. His intuition is in the trash.
13. Does Alan keep the castle at like 85 degrees? Does that help him roll his R’s better? Did Tom’s hair gel melt down his body and collect under his armpits? What nightmare material is that shirt made out of? Is the stress just really getting to Tom 24 hours in? That amount of perspiration is concerning!
14. Watch out, Tom Cruise, Sandoval is trying to Highlander you!
15. How clueless Tom is about who the Traitors actually are, part two: While trying to convince new competitors Derrick, Wes, and Boston Rob — three actual gamers far better at reading people than he is — that Bob the Drag Queen and Carolyn are Faithfuls, Tom says he has a “good” feeling about their loyalty. Wes calls Tom’s perspective “propaganda,” which is needlessly mean, but he’s not wrong. Sandoval’s just out here spouting spin.
16. Tom’s beleaguered “so is everybody” when Chrishell says she’s friends with Ariana Madix during the second Round Table … this man would crawl under that table if he could.
17. Now, I appreciate what Chrishell is trying to say here, but naming Tom as a Traitor would have been the most anticlimactic choice for Alan to make, and Alan is not that unimaginative! Look beyond your own dislike, Chrishell!
18. They’re giving ex-lovers who hate each other forced to spend time together at parent-teacher night. The “We’re having fun, aren’t we?” smiles are too tight.
19. Tom’s one true moment of happiness in these first three episodes involved getting covered in glitter. That fear becomes unabashed glee so quickly!
20. Sandoval replies to Nikki’s comment about his creepiness with, “It’s just my face,” and I take back everything I said about his lack of self-knowledge.
To quote Rust Cohle, this man knows who he is, and there’s a victory in that. Just probably not one on The Traitors.