Ditch the ‘3-date sex rule’ for my guide on how long to wait & here’s why you keep picking bad boys, says neuroscientist
HOW long do YOU wait before sleeping with someone you want to pursue a relationship? Is it right after the first date? Or perhaps a month or so later?
According to a YouGov study, a significant portion of British people would be comfortable having sex relatively early in a relationship, with around one in five (20%) saying they would get frisky after seeing someone for the first time.
Roughly 12% follow a “three date rule” approach – however, the most common opinion is to wait around a month before engaging in sexual activity with a new partner.
But what do the experts say?
Well now, one renowned neuroscientist and psychiatrist, Dr. Tara Swart, has lifted the lid on all things sex and finding true love, trust, and connection.
Chatting to TV host Paul Carrick Brunson, Dr. Tara explained that, in short, ”the longer sex is withheld, the higher the hormone levels will be”.
Before taking the next step, the neuroscientist and author added that there are plenty of other ways to connect with your potential love interest – and keep the oxytocin (a natural hormone that manages key aspects of the female and male reproductive systems) levels high.
This exciting build-up includes holding hands, cuddling, stroking, kissing, maintaining eye contact and even such simple yet important elements like talking and listening.
However, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you should wait and delay getting nookie with your future partner-to-be forever – and singletons should take a look at the new relationship and evaluate where it’s going.
”I think that would be something you would judge in your relationship – like, are we becoming friend-zoned, do we need to move things to the next level?
”Are we both ready to move things to the next level?”
The way to answer this, she explained in the interview, is to assess ”if there’s sufficient bonding perceived by both parties that it’s not going to be disrupted by having sex”.
Another key hormone that will be released in significantly higher levels if you decide to wait a little longer is dopamine – often called the “feel-good” hormone because it’s released in the brain when you experience something pleasurable.
During the chat, Dr. Tara also explained how women’s menstrual cycle can affect whether she will more likely gravitate towards ”a bad boy” – or someone who’s on the lookout for something more serious.
”When a woman is ovulating, she is more likely to choose a bad boy – but when she’s on her period, she’s more likely to choose someone that she would end up pair-bonding with.”
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This, she noted, is because ”when you’re ovulating, you have a drive to reproduce” – however, when a woman is not in her fertile phase, she wants to find ”a man that wants to stay”.
But how to keep the levels of the essential hormones high once you’ve had sex?
In short, the answer is ”repeated mating” – or to keep on sleeping with one another, the expert said.
”Having lots of sex will actually increase the bond.
”When you are in a pair-bond with somebody who you want to stay with and you’ve got the high levels of oxytocin, then having sex actually drives the wire of the brain differently in terms of how it interacts with those hormones.
”It’s not just about the presence and levels of those hormones, it’s about which receptors they’re binding with and where.
”We see that the dopamine receptors in the monogamous brains are in the reward areas more.
”In the promiscuous valves, they’re not as concentrated in the reward areas, so you don’t get the same feeling from seeing someone, even if you’ve had sex with them.”