I gave up booze-fuelled, sloppy, sad sex for sober loving at 55 and my orgasms are SO much better
STEPHANIE CHIVERS, 55, from Cornwall, quit booze after years of ‘sad sex’ with strangers.
The mum-of-two reveals why she’s never looked back . . .
SLOWLY waking after another night of binge drinking, I felt that familiar pain in my head.
I also sensed a burning on my face, as if someone had rubbed sandpaper on it.
I didn’t recognise the man in bed with me. I had no idea where I was. I felt the usual regret.
Sneaking out of his room, I glimpsed myself in the mirror. My face was raw, with a rash and sting.
I had no idea what sort of sex we’d had, only it must have been rough. As usual, I had a hazy recollection of it due to the drinking.
It had been a typical Saturday night and I had drunk at least seven double whiskeys. I was later told by friends that the man I went home with was “not a good guy”. This was not unusual.
Getting drunk always clouded my judgment, and although I did think it was a bit stupid — no one knew where I was — it wouldn’t have stopped me doing it again. I simply shrugged.
This is what some mornings looked like as a younger woman. Nights on the town, downing fizz and spirits, were followed by sex under the influence.
Sometimes it was OK, but other times it was pretty horrific.
Back then, consent wasn’t a thing we really talked about. I’m not sure how pushy that particular man — or any of the others — were. I wouldn’t have had sex with most if sober.
But I take responsibility for drinking and making myself vulnerable.
Now, as a 55-year-old gran, I’ve left that behind. Like the 22 per cent of sober women in the UK, I have changed my relationship with alcohol — and my sex life is a million times better.
Dating people for longer before sleeping with them has led to deeper connection and better orgasms.
Slowly building intimacy is much sexier. I find it a lot easier to orgasm with someone I love.
I’m now in a loving and committed relationship with Chris, a 55-year-old designer. He loves sex and wants it twice a day, and I’m happy to accommodate that.
We make time for sex, it’s important to us. Because he barely drinks either, our love-making is with sound mind.
After singer Lily Allen admitted in November that she had not experienced sober sex until her thirties, it made me realise how many women find it difficult to make love without booze. I now only indulge in the odd glass very rarely — my last was in 2017.
I had my first drink at the age of 11 and have been sexually active since 15.
Lucky escape
I have often found myself in situations which, looking back, were perilous.
Up until 35, I was becoming dangerously out of control.
I grew up in the Nineties, when booze and drugs were the norm. I would go out dancing on my own, find a guy I liked the look of and take him home. But I once fell asleep mid-sex.
I’ve had older men touch me inappropriately on nights out. I was feisty, gave them what for, and in the long-term it didn’t affect me, but I now realise I had a lucky escape.
Young females are now more clued up about sexual assault and consent. It is by no means their fault if they are drunk, but violence against women is so prevalent and women are particularly vulnerable while under the influence.
It is terrible and makes me remember how fortunate I was.
I experienced the “walk of shame” too many times, running from a stranger’s bed all the way home during the early hours, taking off my heels to get back faster in the dark.
I got chlamydia. The booze accelerated my risk-taking and I rarely used a condom.
I was lucky not to have picked up anything more serious, and the risk of pregnancy was huge.
I did not understand just how much better sex could be if sober
Stephanie Chivers
I was also lucky both my sons were born from relationships. I had my first, Tom, now 35, at age 19 with a friend I was seeing. It was unplanned and we were not drunk.
But even becoming a mum did not stop me partying. Drink made me blind to men’s flaws.
Looking back, I do not feel shame, but I do feel sad I did not understand just how much better sex could be if sober.
The turning point came just before Christmas 2005, when I was arrested in Exeter for drink-driving. I had been out all night.
Add to that a hard break-up with the dad of my second son, Elliot, who was four, and my life was in the pits.
I sat in the police cell shaking with anger and fear, tears streaming down my face. How had I allowed this? Sat in that cold cell for hours, I had an epiphany.
I had to change — not just for my children and friends, but me.
I dodged prison, but was fined £200 and banned from driving for 18 months. I vowed there and then to quit booze.
Mind-blowing sex
I have had two relapses since, and realised hanging out with friends would have to be coffee dates or walks in the park.
Not going to a pub was the difference between living and dying. I would be dead now if I hadn’t realised that.
But sobriety and sex have gone hand in hand. I started going to a weekly dance class. It led to a fling that lasted six months and included a lot of hot sex.
I also met a handsome young man on a trip to the States. I was 40, he was 25, and experiencing this gorgeous toyboy with all my senses, sober, was a real treat. The sex was mind-blowing.
I dated on and off, but the number of lovers I had as I got older plummeted. I was after quality, not quantity. And when I met Chris four years ago, every-thing fell into place.
Alcohol dulled my senses and I was never in tune with what was around me. Now I see how much better life is.
If someone had told the younger me how good sex could be without drinking, I’d have quit boozing decades ago.
- Stephanie is founder of wellness site womenwhodontdrink.com
Steph's tips for cutting back on alcohol
ALCOHOL is the biggest risk factor for ill health and death among 15 to 49-year-olds, and this month 15.5million drinkers will attempt Dry January.
Here, Stephanie suggests ways to curb your drinking . . .
1. EDUCATE yourself. Read David Nutt’s book, Drink?: The New Science Of Alcohol And Your Health. Then you can make an informed choice.
Alcohol is a drug, it’s a social lubricant to be used in small amounts. Do you use alcohol to cope with life, stress or anxiety? Be honest with yourself.
2. WRITE out the pros and cons of your drinking. What’s good about your drinking and what’s bad? How else can you get your pros? For instance, how else can you relax?
3. THINK it through. If you find yourself thinking about alcohol, having a craving, thinking about drinking, STOP, press pause, do something else for 15 minutes.
4. CHANGE your habits and routines. But if you take something away, put something new in. Be curious, try different activities and hobbies.