Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:

I think my problem is both common and uncommon.

It is common because my partner and I do not have the same sex drive. My partner has a much higher one than me.

It is uncommon because I’m male and she’s female. Isn’t it that usually, it’s the male who always wants sex more than the woman? That is what my partner always tells me when she finds me unresponsive to her moves. She ends up disappointed 9 times out of 10. Many times it is because I am really not in the mood. But there are times that I know that if it were someone else, and not my wife who was interested in me, I would respond more eagerly.

I have never been unfaithful to her, but I have many fantasies about other women. When she found out that I did (not how often or how many), she accused me of being unfaithful, and vowed she would never sleep with me again.

Unfortunately, the vow lasted only 10 days and then here she comes again asking for sex. My wife now wants to see a therapist, specifically a sex therapist. Do you feel that will that help?

– Marco

Dear Marco,

While you are right to think that in general men seem to want to have sex more often than women, the matter is not that straightforward.

Firstly, history shows that men had a biological imperative to propagate their genes, generally without consequences, while women favored one partner to help them protect and raise their children in a safe, healthy environment and single parenthood was until very recently frowned upon (or worse).

Then there is the religious aspect: the purity of the unmarried woman, the comparison with the Virgin Mary etc. In addition, consider the double standard that exists to this day: a sexually active man is lauded for his exploits while such a woman is often branded a “slut.” It is no wonder after centuries of such labelling that many women are reluctant to admit to this day how much they like sex. 

Secondly, not only is the worry of pregnancy more of a threat to women than men but men generally orgasm much more easily than women so sex can often be more satisfying for men than for women. Finally, think of all those women whose interest in sex has waned simply because their husbands are inept in bed. 

Factors such as these can contribute to women appearing to be much less interested in sex.

Turning to your specific case, Marco, it seems that your fantasies turn you on more than your wife. You need to explore why this is so and whether better communication between you and your wife could improve matters. If you cannot do this by yourselves, a therapist could certainly help, both to channel your fantasies more productively and also to enhance your sex lives.

It is often the case that therapy is opposed by one spouse. Here you have a willing partner who will appreciate you falling in with her wishes. Go for it; you have so much to gain and so little to lose. All the best.

– JAFBaer

Dear Marco,

Thank you very much for your letter. Mr. Baer has suggested that going to therapy would, among other reasons, help explore why your fantasies turn you on more than your wife. While it may be true that your fantasies take place in exotic resorts accompanied by challenging sexual positions, it seems the critical factor is that these fantasies are with women OTHER than your wife. That, in and of itself, is not necessarily something to worry about.

However, there are two things at play that make a dynamic difference:

1. Your wife’s reaction to your having fantasies about other women. She seems an all or nothing person, and rather than an attitude of curiosity as to why this might be so, or even of supplication (please, can you tell me what I can do so I can turn you on more — even if only in your fantasies for now?) she has adopted an attitude of righteous anger.
   
   The anger is bad enough — because this does not merely discourage open communication, it downright shuts it down! That she thinks she has a right to “punish” you by never having sex with you again shows this righteousness, a rather unpleasant trait, even more clearly!

2. Also, the reasons you find fantasies that include her unappetizing has, in my mind, more to do with your feelings about her, rather than with sex alone.

It is quite clear you do not like her, Marco. I doubt you would be as nasty speaking about someone else. For example, you wrote: 

“if someone else (were to make moves on me) I would respond more eagerly”

“She vowed she would never sleep with me again.”  Followed immediately by “Unfortunately, the vow lasted only 10 days.” 

So in answer to your final question, YES! I definitely feel seeing a therapist would help…especially if you do not limit the conversation merely to sex. Sex is merely the battlefield you have chosen for the war between you. 

ALSO, if indeed, the most important sex organ is NOT between your legs, but between your ears, (and I, for one, believe that wholeheartedly) therapy will lead you to improve things between both your ears and, with enough time, patience, and willingness, also improve things between both your legs.  

Mabuhay po kayo!

— MG Holmes  

– Rappler.com