6 Definitely Not Unhinged Predictions For TV In 2025
There’s a lot happening in the world of TV right now.
The Golden Age of Television is losing its luster; the same three shows are winning all the awards; and 500 shows are still competing to be the next Game of Thrones. And yet, much of the TV universe remains confusing and frightening – a strange new world full of wonder, possibilities, and Taron Egerton’s thicc butt. Here are our (definitely not unhinged) predictions for what lies ahead.
Andy Cohen announces new spinoff The Real Housewives of Space
What’s better than Teresa Giudice flipping a table and screaming? If you guessed “Teresa Giudice flipping a table and screaming in zero gravity,” then you’re right. One day, Andy Cohen is going to run out of cities on our physical planet to colonize with his Real Housewives franchise. He will then have to turn to the final frontier: the solar system. In this groundbreaking new series, seven of the most self-absorbed, sociopathic women on Planet Earth will be sent to colonize Mars. Along the way, they’ll learn how to share freeze-dried ice cream, come to terms with their own mortality, and pee while doing a backflip. None of them will have access to plastic surgery. They will all kill each other.
The Emmys finally categorize The Bear as a Drama, are immediately canceled
Some things just can’t coexist.
Ryan Murphy announces five new American series, which are all just American Horror Story but with different credits sequences
Did anyone watch Grotesquerie? And can anyone explain to me how this campy, arch horror drama series created and produced by Ryan Murphy is not … American Horror Story? And then, can you explain how Monster is not American Crime Story? Or how American Sports Story, which follows the life of Aaron Hernandez, is not ALSO American Crime Story? Or how The Watcher is not The White Lotus Season 3? Anyway, Ryan Murphy is rich.
Studio heads announce that there will now be three years between each new season of something
Why do TV studios think they know what’s best for us? Just because we’re not actively rioting outside their doors every Sunday does not mean that we love waiting two years for new seasons of House of the Dragon. If freaking Gilmore Girls could put out 22 episodes every year, then a fantasy adaptation based on a completed source text can do it, too. Unfortunately, studios no longer care what we think, and will continue to produce excruciatingly short and delayed seasons of things as long as it saves them money. And what’s stopping them from making the seasons even shorter? Why not just make it so that each new season consists of one two-and-a-half hour episode with a budget of $200 million? They can even release it on the big screen to drum up hype for the streaming release! I’m just describing a movie now!
Jennifer Coolidge returns to The White Lotus as a ghost
TV lost a real one when Coolidge’s White Lotus character, Tanya McQuoid, made an oopsie and died in Season 2. Fans were so upset, in fact, that they assumed Season 3 would be a prequel and bring her back – after all, a hit show would never kill off such a beloved character, right? Well, it doesn’t look like Season 3 of the show is a prequel, which means that Tanya will only be able to return in ghost form now. Blessed with the ability to move between walls and dimensions, she’ll glide from room to room asking everyone for Oreo cookie cake.
Several more things from Black Mirror episodes come true in real life
Black Mirror creator Charlie Brooker is known for his passion for futurism and wide-ranging knowledge about technology. This is apparent in his work on the show which has accurately predicted many potentially concerning developments over the years. For instance, the episode “Be Right Back” predicted A.I. avatars of deceased people, whereas “Nosedive” predicted the “Social Credit System” of China, in which people could secure actual bank loans based on how other people rated them socially. Next thing you know, Ariana Grande’s brain will become accidentally linked to a doll from a vending machine in Milwaukee (like Miley Cyrus’s in “Rachel, Jack, and Ashley Too”). Then, “Striking Vipers” will come true and all straight guys will begin f*cking each other in the metaverse.