Hegseth vows to implement new 'Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell' drinking policy
WASHINGTON — After weeks of meetings with senators where he tried to explain that he didn’t actually mean what he said two months ago about women and gays in the military, Secretary of Defense nominee Pete Hegseth announced a new policy that he would implement on his first day in office.
“There have been a lot of rumors about my drinking habits, so to address these concerns, I’ll be launching a new ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ alcohol policy based on the same standard I hold myself to: you see me sloshed the night before and I come to work the next morning smelling like tequila, ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.”
Hegseth has been working hard in the halls of Congress to shore up support for his nomination since allegations emerged that his core motivation for waking up in the morning is getting his dick wet. When stories about his party habits started popping up, Hegseth admitted worrying about the success of his nomination but was determined to meet the new charges head-on.
“Yeah, it’s going around that I’ve got the alcohol tolerance of a high school girl,” he said while taking a swig from a glass that he insisted was just Diet Coke, “and don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of high school girls until they age out and I dump them for a new model. But like the patriot I am, I decided to fight these allegations while setting the new standard for good order and discipline that I hope will distinguish my time at the Pentagon. So from day one, if one of our warfighters sees their buddy stumbling into walls and trying to insert a slice of cheese into a CAC reader, just, you know, shut up about it, okay? And while you’re at it, keep the lights dim and the conversation around your buddy at a low volume since their head really hurts, and they’d appreciate you not making it worse.”
Reaction to Hegseth’s proposed policy was mixed. Five-time Lance Corporal Jedediah Hash was enthusiastic, recalling the long tradition of using military discipline to improve personal behavior.
“Sometimes all it takes for a person to leave destructive behavior behind is being entrusted with real responsibility, and the best way to see the impact of that trust is never to ask about it again. That’s what this policy achieves. Plus, he promised not to drink on the job, so he doesn’t even need this policy, but he’s doing it anyway. I made the same promise to my squad leader — I’ll quit drinking, show up to formation in the morning, and stop beating my kids if you make me fire team leader.“
”So from both Pete and me, you can take our promises to the bank. Because when has an alcoholic ever promised to sober up and not followed through?”
Others at the Pentagon were concerned about the precedent such a policy would set.
“We’re hearing that if the new ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ gets implemented successfully, Secretary Hegseth has a number of follow-on mandates he wants to try,” said Undersecretary for Personnel Samantha Bongino. “There’s a fiscal reform program he’s calling ‘Don’t Pay, Get Laid,’ loosely modeled after his stewardship of veteran advocacy groups. He wants the JAG Corps to revise the rules of engagement in the ‘Take No Prisoners’ initiative. And, of course, there’s the ‘Don’t Pick on Me or I’ll Tell my Mom’ annex to the new National Defense Strategy.”
Bongino noted that, despite her skepticism, she might take advantage of the new “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” drinking policy should Hegseth be confirmed.
“I’m gonna have to find the SECDEF an aide-de-camp, and booze will be the only thing giving me the strength to prevent him from trying to turn his aide into his fourth wife.”
Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.