Dear Abby: My late friend’s lonely husband calls me too much
DEAR ABBY: My friend of 30 years passed away two years ago. Her husband, with whom I had a cordial relationship, has been calling me and other friends of his wife nonstop. He usually calls with irrelevant nonsense.
One time, I decided not to answer any of his many calls per day. When I finally felt guilty and answered, he was furious. He demanded to know where I was so that I was not able to answer the phone. I fabricated a story that I was out of state visiting family. Sometimes, I lie and say dinner is ready, someone is at my door or I'm just about to leave the house.
My initial reaction to his calls was that I am lucky I'm not so needy and lonely. I manage to cut the conversation to three to five minutes, and I'm never rude. This man is 80, lives by himself and has an adult child near his home. It is my unprofessional opinion that because of his many health issues and inability to drive and really care for himself, perhaps he should be in assisted living.
His constant calls are more than I can handle. Should I call his adult child or just not answer most of his calls? I think he may also be calling his children, and they may be aware of his behavior, but I don't want to upset them more than they probably are. My friends and I have done our best to talk to him, but it has reached the point that these calls are invasive. — OVERWHELMED IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR OVERWHELMED: You would be doing everyone a favor — yourself included — if you made that call to inform this poor man's grown children what has been going on. Loneliness and isolation after the death of a spouse can eventually cause serious health problems, particularly in the elderly. Assisted living may be the solution he needs, not only for physical care but also for socialization. I'm glad you wrote.
DEAR ABBY: Being the least favorite is hurtful, yet my mom makes sure to convey how much she hates me every chance she gets. Mind you, she would never say that in front of my dad or my sisters. She says it standing behind me, rubbing it in. My sisters get text messages from her telling them how much she misses them. Me? I get comments like "I wish you were never born." I have tried hard to please her, but nothing has worked. Sadly, my youngest sister is rude and hates me, too. Please advise. — UNLOVED IN TENNESSEE
DEAR UNLOVED: Unfortunately, we cannot pick our parents. Your mother's behavior is more than a little toxic, and now it has rubbed off on your little sister. This is why I am suggesting you see as little of your mother and younger sister as possible.
If you must see them, spend as little time alone with either of them as possible. Start developing relationships with people who are caring and supportive. Many people form "chosen families" when they come from families that are as dysfunctional as yours.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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