Harriette Cole: I just found out why we’ve never had a proper date
DEAR HARRIETTE: I met a nice guy recently when I was running an errand in my community. He and I have had coffee together a few times and have taken walks in the neighborhood.
Initially, I liked how he asked me to do things that don’t cost anything but time, and our outings have been very pleasant.
I discovered the other day that he is unemployed and has been for nearly a year. That’s why he hasn’t invited me out on a proper date.
I know these things can happen, but I’m concerned. I don’t hear him talking about pounding the pavement to find a job. I hear more of what sounds like despondency or even depression.
I like this guy, but I am not inclined to be his savior. I don’t want to abandon him, but I don’t have the inclination to help him turn his life around. What should I do?
— Met A Man
DEAR MET A MAN: Continue to be kind to this man and encourage him to find a job. Set boundaries around what you will and will not do with him. Be clear about what you want in a relationship — including character, values and stability.
Talk to him about his goals and desires. If you want to be his friend, say as much. It is also okay to kindly wish him well and pivot away.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I have been together for about five months now. When he first asked me to be his girlfriend, he said he was ready for a serious relationship.
I’m starting to feel like he doesn’t have any time for me, and I’m questioning whether he’s as committed as he claimed to be.
He’s always either working or traveling, and while I understand that his career is demanding, it feels like I’ve been pushed to the back burner. We rarely spend quality time together, and even when we do, I can tell his mind is often elsewhere. He’ll take calls during our dates or cut plans short because of work obligations.
It’s gotten to the point where I sometimes feel more like an afterthought than a priority in his life.
I’ve tried to bring this up a few times, but his response is always the same: He tells me how much he cares about me and reassures me that things will get better “once work slows down.” The problem is that work never seems to slow down, and I’m left feeling lonely and unfulfilled in the relationship.
I don’t want to come across as needy, but I also don’t think it’s unreasonable to want my partner to make time for me. Do you think I should break up with him?
— Distracted Boyfriend
DEAR DISTRACTED BOYFRIEND: It’s time for a heart-to-heart.
It is still early in your relationship, but it has been long enough to have a sense of the rhythm you can expect from your boyfriend. Since you are not comfortable with how he engages with you, you must talk about it directly.
Explain that you don’t mean to be pushy, but you do expect him to carve out time to pay attention to you. You have to make it clear to him how you want him to show that you are a priority. Then, see if he tries.
If you like him enough to see if you have a future, you have to be open and direct with him about what is important to you and what you want from him. Otherwise, he cannot know.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.