Southern Charm Recap: Party Pooper

I’m not sure exactly what Taylor is doing on this show. I mean that in two different senses. I’m not sure what she’s doing on the show as in I don’t understand why they asked her back for another season when she’s never been an especially dynamic or exciting character. She seems like a nice enough lady, but I have never cared about her either as Shep’s girlfriend or as his ex.

I’m also not sure what she’s doing on the show in that I don’t know how she’s playing the hand she is dealt. We see her and her mother, Leslie, go out for soft shell crabs on her 30th birthday, the first one since she lost her brother to a drug overdose. They have a very sweet and heartfelt conversation about how his death has affected them and how she’s thinking about this birthday when her mother asks what she wants more than anything for her big day. “To be left alone,” she says. That’s totally understandable; I get it, but then why is she canceling her birthday party, which I’m assuming was a tentpole event for the episode, at the last minute and not telling anyone why?

She shouldn’t be forced to have a party, of course, but can’t she tell the rest of the cast — or at least the cast members she’s still close with — what is happening and give us a little confessional about the reasons behind it? It seems not, which leaves others to write their own narratives. Craig and Paige pick up the slack (so that Craig can show off his backyard once again) and invite everyone who is going to be at Taylor’s party. As for the reasons behind pooping all over her own party, we just hear a few rumblings from Rodrigo, currently Taylor’s closest friend on the cast. He says Taylor says that she was emotionally exhausted from Salley with an extra E coming around and talking about her relationship. So, wait. Does this have nothing to do with the brother? Is the brother just a red herring for Taylor not wanting her boyfriend to be on camera, or her boyfriend not wanting bad things to come out about him?

Yes, that renews my question about what she is doing on this show if she’s not going to talk to people like Salley and not show us her boyfriend. She knows what the deal is; she knows what she has to do to keep cashing those Southern Charm checks and if she doesn’t want to do them, maybe she should just get into pharmaceutical sales where she belongs.

At Paige and Craig’s party, Salley sits down with Madison and Paige to gossip. If there is any place I want to be at a party, it is sitting across from Madison and Paige to gossip. If someone ever told me to picture my happy place, it would look just like that, and maybe Craig is sitting on my lap wearing a Speedo, but also maybe not. We don’t need hot guys to be happy, but they sure do help. Salley spills a lot of tea. She lets them know that Gaston dating her and Taylor overlapped a little bit and that Andrew, the guy she’s currently dating, was sleeping with Taylor when Salley was sleeping with Gaston, and they got together by helping each other get over their exes. You know how they say that this town isn’t big enough for the two of them, Charleston is literally not big enough for the two of them. It’s like they’re those twins in the womb where one kills the other by taking all of the food, but instead of a womb, it’s Charleston, and instead of food, it’s available D.

Salley also tells us that Gaston called her the day before and told her to stop talking about him. When Madison goes to Rod to ask why the party got canceled, she puts forth a very valid theory, which is that Gaston may have asked her to cancel the party to save him the hardship of having to answer difficult questions about his past with Salley on camera. Even though Salley wouldn’t have been there, it surely would have come up, but it’s also doing Gaston no favors that he really doesn’t know anyone on the cast who can defend him and say he’s a nice guy. Madison’s over here knocking the guy’s looks, and I think he’s a total hottie. I mean, he’s not Brett, but he’s cute enough that I would subscribe to his OnlyFans for a month, watch all the good videos, unsubscribe, and then never think about him again. (Brett, well, I would need a lifetime subscription and would probably pay for his used socks. Wait. How did this recap get so horny?)

While Venita breezed through the party to tell us her boyfriend dumped her when he got a role on Broadway, the only other gossip from the party is that Craig didn’t invite Austen because he was mad that Austen came over and “knocked his hustle.” Ugh, it’s so Craig to see it this way. Austen doesn’t have a problem with Craig working all the time or trying to make the most out of his life; he has a problem with Craig putting zero effort into maintaining his friendships. Rodrigo agrees, saying in confessional, “Craig needs to give some concession to keep these friendships going.”

Even Shep, strangely enough, agrees. After showing Craig a wonderful montage his phone made for him featuring all the photos of these Three Musky-teers (that’s because you know not a single one wears deodorant), he says that Craig needs to try to mend the frayed relationship because it took them years to build it. Shep also says it’s sweet that Austen misses Craig, and I agree. When talking about the feud at the party, Paige asks, “What kind of grown man tells another grown man that he misses him?”

I love Paige and hate to disagree with her, but this, right here, is the problem. Men (even gay men, but especially straight men) aren’t socialized to have deep friendships like women are, as we see by comments like this. Guys are lonely. They don’t make friends easily, they don’t maintain friendships well, and they tend to cling to the friendships they do have for dear life because making more is difficult. Why? Because they’re raised to think that showing emotions and needing people makes them weak, and you can’t have friends without showing emotions and needing people. I think what Austen is doing is showing strength. To me, he seems to be saying, “I know that your life has changed and I still want to be a part of it, so let’s find a new way to be together.” What Craig is saying is, “I only want you around to work and even then I don’t like it that much.”

When Craig tells Madison and Paige in his kitchen that he recorded their podcast without Austen, that is when I was like, “Damn, shots fired.” Last episode, Craig was at least holding out that they had their podcast time together so if they couldn’t be friends at least they could work. Now Craig is taking that away too. That was the one thing they had left and Craig wants to distance himself from it entirely. I’m sorry, but I’m a little bit more on Austen’s side in this argument with each passing day. It seems like Craig doesn’t want to make up with Austen. Why not just invite him to the party? Show Austen how fun it is to hang out with Craig at Craig’s house and maybe he would want to come around more. But no, Craig wants to be upset because his hustle was so knocked that he can’t even give Austen that comfort. It’s no wonder guys don’t have many friends. At this point, I would rather hang out with JT, Donald Trump Jr. Jr. himself, than be friends with Craig.