The Traitors Season-Premiere Recap: Rocking the Boat
After a lauded and Emmy-winning second season that turned Phaedra Parks into America’s sweetheart, The Traitors is finally back on our television screens. The appeal of the hit Peacock competition show is twofold. The game itself — essentially mafia but with more kilts — in which secret Traitors must kill off the Faithfuls each night without being found out, is entertaining enough in its own right. But what really ups the ante is to watch it be played among an eclectic group of D-listers from different walks of life (by which I mean different reality shows and franchises).
As this year’s batch of fresh meat, which includes everyone from Real Housewives to a gay royal, pulls up to Alan Cumming’s ominous manor, we see them start to squirm upon passing cloaked and masked figures à la Eyes Wide Shut. But the scariest part of rolling up to The Traitors mansion isn’t this army of haunting mystery figures; it’s the prospect of not being recognized by your fellow celebrities. One of the great joys of this show is getting to watch these (for all intents and purposes) famous people try to gauge whether or not they have to introduce themselves. Carolyn Wiger (from Survivor 44), for example, is surprised and thrilled that legendary Survivor alums Tony Vlachos and Jeremy Collins know who she is. Bob the Drag Queen appears to not know Bob Harper but bonds with him over being Bob. Meanwhile, Dylan Efron (brother of Zac) knows to introduce himself from the jump.
However, these (sometimes awkward) introductions, paired with the contestants trying to place one another, are also helpful to us as the audience. Because these contestants are all pulled from different shows, networks, and franchises, it’s entirely likely that even the most esteemed reality-television aficionado doesn’t know them all. For example, I know every Bravolebrity on this cast like the back of my hand. Chrishell Stause is someone I view as a sister, and I’m very well-versed in my Survivor players. But my biggest blind spots are Big Brother and Bachelor Nation, so this marks my first time meeting players like Britney Haynes and Wells Adams.
Because of this, everybody’s viewing experience can be quite different since we’re all watching the show with different levels of knowledge about each player’s lore and backstory. My preconceived notions about Tom Sandoval or Dolores Catania will impact how I view their gameplay, whereas I can only judge a player like Gabby Windey by what she does at the moment. That being said, the show does do a good job of trying to catch us up on everybody’s reputation and their dynamics with other players — like explaining the Big Brother bad blood between Danielle Reyes and Britney.
But just when we’re starting to get a handle on all of these new faces, Alan Cumming rides up on a horse, and all but one of the hooded figures leave. That last figure standing, Alan explains, is a potential new player who will be permitted to enter the game if just one of our contestants wishes, but the catch is they have to trade away someone in return. When it’s revealed that the mystery candidate is none other than Boston Rob, all eyes turn to his fellow Survivor alums. While Carolyn has some interest, nobody steps forward to secure Rob a spot in the castle — understandably, given his reputation as a Survivor winner and a major threat — so off he goes, like an alternate juror.
Once inside and free to explore, the cast gets to know each other a bit more, and naturally, they’re drawn to the person they (and presumably much of the audience) are least familiar with — Lord Ivar Mountbatten. He’s second cousin to the king, which I thought all British people were, and explains that his real claim to fame is that after his marriage to a woman, he married “a bloke,” which is British for man. This resonates with Chrishell, who is also a queer royal, as well as Gabby Windey, who started dating a woman after her turn on The Bachelorette.
But enough queer bonding — it’s time to find out who our Traitors will be. In their little one-on-ones with Alan, everybody makes their case, trying to convince him to make them either a Traitor or a Faithful. Naturally, Survivor game players like Carolyn and Tony beg to be Traitors, while Tom Sandoval ironically wants to be a Faithful. First time for everything! When he says he’d feel betrayed if Alan did tap him on the shoulder, Cumming replies, “Doesn’t feel so nice, does it?” Drag him! Luckily for Tom, he’s spared, and Alan instead chooses Danielle, Bob the Drag Queen, and Carolyn to be our Traitors. While I hate not to see a Housewife get to don a cloak, this is a perfect mix. Fingers crossed they somehow recruit Dolores Catania down the line.
Right away, the players start to speculate. Tom Sandoval immediately throws Chrishell’s name out there, and when word gets back to her, she suspects it’s because he knows she’s friends with his ex Ariana Madix. But if Tom got rid of everybody in that house who’s Team Ariana, he’d have nobody left. Well, maybe the royal — that family is usually pro-cheating.
They head to the loch for their first challenge and first chance to add money to their prize pot. But as Alan explained the rules, my mind wandered, and I instead tried to remember if Robyn Dixon had spoken at all in this episode. Probably not, and I love that for the infamously drowsy former Real Housewife of Potomac. Next thing I know, they’re rowing a boat, barely. Bob the Drag Queen teaches them how to heave-ho, and when they get to the first dock they have to exchange two players (who in turn will not be safe tonight) for fuel.
Who would ever volunteer for that? Robyn Dixon, that’s who — “I’m a selfless person,” she says, but knowing Robyn, I suspect she’s also just tired of rowing. She’s joined by Chanel Ayan (The Real Housewives of Dubai), and at the next dock, Dorinda Medley (RHONY) and Dolores Catania (RHONJ) sacrifice themselves. Housewives are so generous and brave.
But that’s not the only pattern emerging. Lord Farquaad, or whatever his name is, keeps calling for the women to be the ones left behind — much to Chrishell’s chagrin — and eventually, Bob the Drag Queen rips into him and insists that a man get off instead. That’s fighting for women’s rights! Ultimately, Bob and Danielle sacrifice themselves, but not really since they’re both Traitors — though they don’t know that just yet.
Bob Harper and Sam Asghari volunteer next, but after that they realize nobody else will be willing to get off at the next dock, so they decide to just head back, leaving money on the table. That ultimately leaves only six players at risk of being murdered that night, so naturally that decision to turn around doesn’t go over well with the players who sacrificed themselves. “If I’m not murdered tonight, by the grace of God, I’m going to remember every one of those faces on that boat tonight,” a fuming Dorinda says. (She’s startin’.)
To make matters worse, back at the manor, they started dinner without them — so Dorinda tears into them. Poor Dylan Efron didn’t know what he was getting himself into. For their part, Bob the Drag Queen and Danielle do a phenomenal job performing annoyance as well, ensuring that they look like Faithfuls. But Dorinda’s still going. She rightfully turns her ire to Lord Mountbatten, who’s quickly becoming the show’s villain after that misogynistic boat ride — which must be a great relief to Tom Sandoval. It’s only fitting that Dorinda — widely regarded as the Princess Diana of Bravo both because of the resemblance and their shared grace — is fighting with a royal.
With the first day of treachery and drama under our belts, it’s bedtime, which means it’s time for my favorite part of the show: the staged B-roll they shoot of the cast getting ready for bed. It’s art in its truest form. Sam showers, Chanel files her nails, Robyn lounges in a bubble bath with a glass of red wine like a Shonda Rhimes character — all of which is meant to suggest that they’re staying in the castle rather than some Ramada Inn down the street.
As the episode nears its end, it’s finally time for our Traitors to make it official by receiving their cloaks — which I’m surprised you can’t yet purchase at the NBC Experience Store. I would like one just for lounging around the house. “I feel deliciously wicked,” Danielle says, much like Elphaba at the end of “As Long As You’re Mine.” The first to reveal themselves to one another are Bob and Danielle, reunited from their stint on the dock, and each reveling in their respective performances. They’re equally thrilled when Carolyn enters, convinced nobody will suspect her, and Danielle calls them a “wicked crew.” Okay, what is going on with this NBCUniversal synergy? As if that’s not enough, Alan hits us with a, “Something wicked this way comes.” Is Cynthia Erivo about to join the game? Probably not, but someone else is — not from Oz, but from a far more dystopian land: Boston.
Just because nobody chose to bring Boston Rob into the game at the beginning of the episode doesn’t mean his time is done. In fact, Alan tells us that despite being cast aside, he’ll be entering the game tomorrow … as a Traitor. Seeing Rob hear that news is like watching a child open their gifts on Christmas morning. But that’s not all; Alan says he has two other players standing by waiting to join as well. Will they be fresh faces? Or fan favorites from the last two seasons? We know Parvati Shallow and Kate Chastain will be returning, but their appearance in the trailer suggests that they’ll be more in a guest or mentor-type role rather than as players. Whoever these hooded newbies are, Alan keeps them and Rob in three cages suspended in the air — as one does. And while we don’t know who two of these caged additions are just yet, we see Rob react to their identities with a look of excited recognition.