Canadians Politely Decline Statehood

“Trump threatens ‘economic force’ to make Canada ‘51st State’ after PM resignation.” — The Independent

America, you know Canada as your hat. We’d like to keep it that way.

As you may be aware, Donald Trump has been flirting with illegal expansionist fantasies again. They include possibly invading Panama, taking over Greenland in some kind of rent-to-own scheme, and, of course, making Canada the fifty-first state.

We are flattered to be asked, but think maybe this whole thing is moving a little too fast. We’re super busy with work, and there’s that thing with our mom, who is now our dad. It’s complicated.

Canada has been right here, hanging out with America’s frosty bits, for 157 years. It’s been great, mostly. You seem to like us when you remember us. Everyone needs a friend who can explain the rules of curling. And we love you too. Or, at least, we love certain aspects of you.

In true Canadian form, we tend to steer clear of the parts of you we love somewhat less, like The Masked Singer or LaGuardia Airport. We enjoy Florida by simply avoiding the hurricanes and the con men. The swamp mosquitoes are nothing compared to the maple syrup suckers we have buzzing around Tuktoyaktuk.

The problem with becoming the fifty-first state is that it becomes impossible for us to ignore you. You already make it a challenge, but we manage. We call it the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Us Aboot It” policy. If you haven’t already noticed, much Canadian stuff is just ripped-off American stuff, only less exciting and toxic.

Something American that most Canadians dislike very much, Donald Trump, is making himself most difficult to ignore with his gracious offers to join your Great Nation.

We realize not all Americans embrace President Trump and his… ideas. In a way, your relationship with Trump is like our relationship with Nickelback. They’re both living symbols of our countries that we desperately wish weren’t living symbols of our countries. They’re both things we don’t know how we created, somehow managed to get rid of, and now seem okay with having back again, despite all previous evidence.

Some of you point out that the United States is vastly superior to Canada, a point we’re hard-pressed to argue. You have Captain America; we have Dudley Do-Right. You sent a man to the moon; we sent our troops to Afghanistan armed with Nerf guns and shitty coffee.

We deeply admire your boldness and your sheer nerve. Like the way you serve Cool Whip unironically and seem to have a bottomless supply of Fast and the Furious films.

We concede to your efficiency. Just go up to any American and say, “Thank you.” Instead of wasting time and effort forming the actual words “you’re welcome” like some Canadian chump, Americans lift nary a lip, grunting an efficient “uh-huh.” You don’t even have time for eye contact. Saskatchewan could never.

We share a lot of the same societal ills too. Like headlights being way too bright and convenience store cashiers suddenly wanting a tip because of the criminally unaffordable cost of living, which is something else our great democracies have in common.

The problem with the United States is that while so many things are undeniably awesome, there are simply too many things that are unexplainably terrible. Canada would not enjoy or improve this situation. We think you’ll agree with us if you think it through.

Are you sure you want to absorb a country with a population larger than California? Especially when most of our citizens are resigned to paying 60 percent income tax in exchange for mediocre health care and a military armed with bear spray and lacrosse sticks?

That’s forty million people who believe that no one should be allowed to own a handgun, but everyone should know how to take down a charging polar bear.

In fact, the only place we allow concealed carry is Churchill, Manitoba, because the polar bears wander right down the main street, and we can’t lose any more kindergarteners. Concealed carry is the only option when it’s minus fifty, and your rifle needs to be under your parka, or else it will freeze.

While we deeply appreciate the offer and are sincerely flattered to be included, we apologize. We must decline. We simply do not have the intestinal fortitude it takes to be American.

We Canadians long for the days when Stormy Daniels was just the weather guy on CBC Moose Jaw’s Action 6 Accuweather, when our nation’s greatest shared challenge was how to promote trickle-down economics without actually allowing any trickle, and when bacon was just bacon.

We hope you understand. We’re happy to revisit this subject next Thanksgiving. Which is in October, motherfuckers. Look it up.